Understanding Your Partner’s Needs
Acknowledge the deceased spouse’s place in your partner’s life. Your significant other loved (and still loves) her departed spouse. The loss will always maintain some level of presence in her life. If you are going to be in a relationship with her, you will have to keep mindful of this fact, cope with it, and learn how to support her as best you can. Understand that it’s okay to be uncomfortable at first. Death is already a touchy subject. It becomes even harder to digest when a death affects someone you care about. Avoid the temptation to shrug these feelings away.
Accept your partner's right to keep tokens of the deceased. These are precious belongings and your partner has the right to own these keepsakes. Be respectful instead of hostile, and try to avoid interpreting these items as a threat to you and your relationship. Should the two of you move in together in the future, you can mutually discuss what happens with these items.
Don’t brush off conversations about your significant other’s deceased partner. Let your partner express her thoughts and feelings about her loss. While it’s okay to feel uncomfortable, you should try to keep a sensitive and open mindset regarding your partner’s feelings. Avoiding the issue won’t help you, your partner, or your relationship. There will be moments that trigger memories of the deceased for your partner. If she wants to share those memories with you, listen openly and patiently. Encourage her to share these thoughts with you. In doing this, she is showing that she wants to bond with you. Engage with your partner during these moments of conversation. Show her that you’re listening by making eye contact and nodding encouragingly. Keep your ears and mind open. Don’t be afraid to try and learn more about your significant other’s deceased partner. Try to learn more about what kind of person they were and the life they shared with your partner. For instance, you could say, “It sounds like you had a wonderful time in Barbados. What other trips did you and George take together?” or “What were Derek’s hobbies?” Inquiring about them shows your partner that you care.
Respect moments when your partner wants to grieve alone. Sometimes your partner will resist sharing her grief with you. Don’t push her to open up if she is not yet willing. Some aspects of her relationship with her late partner, such as the events surrounding their death or their last few days of life, may still be too painful to share. She will talk to you about the past only when she is emotionally prepared to.
Take care in how you refer to the deceased spouse. Never call your significant other’s late partner her “ex.” By using that word, you imply that her relationship ended by choice rather than an unfortunate and damaging event. Instead, refer to the spouse as “late,” “deceased,” or “departed.”
Avoid using common platitudes to comfort your partner. You may be tempted to offer comfort by suggesting your significant other’s departed spouse is “at peace” or “is no longer suffering.” Take heed of the fact that these common sayings often fail to soothe feelings of grief. No matter the circumstances of the death or your partner’s current attempts to move forward, a part of her still yearns for the life she could still have with her late partner. Better ways to offer comfort would be to say “I know this is painful for you. Would you like to talk about it?” Alternatively, you could say, “I'm always here if you need some company.” Show your support by offering to be there when your partner needs it.
Be mindful of your partner’s emotional highs and lows. Even seemingly innocuous events may trigger sad moments for your partner. The sight of her late partner’s favorite food at the grocery store or a commercial of their favorite TV show may sadden your partner every so often. Ride these moments out with her, and don’t get exasperated with her for feeling upset. These moments are a completely normal part of grief, even several years after a loss.
Respect her grief during special occasions and anniversaries. Birthdays, wedding anniversaries, and death anniversaries may be hard for your partner. The most you can do is be there. Ask her if there is anything she would like to do to commemorate the date. Always ask first if she's looking for some company or if she'd rather be alone. If she says she wants to be alone, respect that.
Recommend therapy to your partner if her grief seems severely prolonged. You may want to look up the symptoms of complicated grief as part of your research on mourning and loss. This can include extreme grief reactions on a daily basis for several months, changes in sleep and diet, and deep yearning to be with the departed loved one - sometimes to the point of self-harm. Help your partner find professional support if her grief has escalated to this level.
Building Your Relationship
Take the relationship slowly at the beginning. Don’t go into the relationship expecting immediate commitment. Instead, take your time getting to know your partner and bonding with her. Dating after spousal loss is an intimidating process, so your significant other may have reservations about taking this step in the first place.
Ask your significant other what her expectations are for the relationship. Many people date with the intention of creating a long-term relationship, widows included. Be sure to talk with your partner about what you both are looking for in a relationship. If you both want a committed, stable relationship, feel free to proceed with each other. However, if you find you want different outcomes, it may be better to part ways. To start this conversation, you could ask: “Can we talk about where we see this relationship going?” or “Can we talk about whether we're interested in having a committed relationship?”
Build new memories and traditions with your partner. Your partner’s status as a widow does not have to define your relationship, despite its understandable impact. You can strengthen your relationship with your significant other by trying new things together. This won’t erase your partner’s memories of her deceased spouse; instead it will help her to look forward to a future with you. The two of you could go out to your favorite restaurant or pick up a new hobby together. Even small moments, such as cooking a meal together or sharing a joke, can go a long way in strengthening your bond.
Speak honestly with your significant other about each other's insecurities. Dating a widow may present new and unexpected challenges for the relationship. You may start to feel uneasy hearing about your significant other’s late partner and measure yourself against them. Your partner may worry about losing you just as she lost her spouse before you. Communicate with each other about your feelings, so you can work through them together. One helpful way to start this conversation would be: “I feel uncomfortable when you compare my new haircut to how Phil wore his hair. It's important to me that you see me for myself.” Be sure to place emphasis on how a specific behavior makes you feel; this gets to the heart of the issue.
Get to know your partner’s children if you decide to commit to each other. Let them adjust to you at their own pace. Children may feel easily threatened by the idea of a new stepparent. They may gain the impression that you are trying to take over their late parent’s role. Introduce yourself to them, but don’t try to join in on family activities right away. Your partner’s children will need to gradually get used to your presence. Follow your partner’s lead. She knows her children best. Talk with her about how to comfortably get to know her children and try to learn about their personalities and interests. It may be best to start off by coming over for dinner one night, or accompanying your partner and her children to one of their extracurricular activities. Participating in more casual activities will help to ease some of the tension.
Taking Care of Yourself
Avoid emulating your partner’s deceased spouse. You may feel tempted to try easing your partner’s loss by mirroring her late spouse’s appearance or taking up their former responsibilities or pastimes. You must remember you are a separate person. Do not try to act as a surrogate for your significant other’s late partner, as this role will be impossible to fulfill. You will only hurt yourself and your partner in the long run.
Remind yourself that the late spouse is not a threat to your relationship. Your presence in your partner’s life is a sign of her trying to move past her pain and loss. Your relationship symbolizes a new chapter that, with work, will hopefully blossom into a mutually fulfilling and wonderful experience.
Be assertive (but sympathetic) about behaviors that make you uncomfortable. Sometimes your partner may say things that hurt your feelings. She may openly equate you with her late significant other or refer to your relationship in a way that presents it as “unequal.” It is okay to have these feelings. Talk to your partner and try to come to a solution that meets both of your needs.
Look into counseling if you find yourself struggling emotionally. If you find yourself faced with enormous feelings of anxiety or sadness regarding where you fit into your partner’s life, there’s nothing wrong with talking to a professional. They can help you to better understand these feelings and learn how to manage them in a healthy way.
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