How to Deal with an Alcoholic Parent As an Adult

Maintaining Healthy Interactions

Know the difference between alcohol abuse and addiction. While abuse can lead to addiction they are still separate things. Alcohol abuse means that a person uses alcohol more than they should, either through binge drinking or drinking too often. Addiction to alcohol means that a person's body is physically dependent on alcohol, so if they don't drink they will experience withdrawal. Look for the following signs of chemical dependence and addiction in your parent: Higher tolerance (requiring more alcohol to feel the effect) Inability to follow through with responsibilities and obligations Experiencing withdrawal symptoms when they don't drink Secretive about drinking or hides alcohol Inability to quit drinking Frequent binge drinking Physical injury or illness Blackouts Impulsive behavior Inability to cope with stressors Spending more time with others who drink while avoiding those who don't Dismissive when others talk about their drinking Legal consequences from drinking, such as a DUI

Recognize the immediate effects of alcohol. Alcohol affects the brain and can lead to blackouts and memory loss. Avoid arguing with your parent if they are drunk as this can make situations frustrating. Your parent may say things they wouldn't normally say and upset you, then later not remember saying anything. If you're upset with your parent while they are drunk, remove yourself from the situation. Say, “Let's not discuss this now. I'm going to leave and we can talk tomorrow.”

Accept that alcohol can cause family tensions. The more heavily your parent drinks, the higher the risk of problems with the family. Additionally, older adults may be more sensitive to the effects of alcohol, which may explain why situations may escalate as your parent ages. As long as your parent continues to drink, there will likely be family tensions. It's difficult to accept difficult family situations. However, it's impossible for you to change your parent's behavior. Do what you can to ease tensions by being a good listener, finding negotiations, and respecting your family members.

Avoid blame shifting. Some alcoholics believe that alcoholism is a disease that cannot be cured, but it can with proper treatment and a committed individual. They may claim that they have no control, but they do still have choices. Don't allow your parent to manipulate you by claiming they're just sick or by blaming you for relapses. People who suffer from addiction may hide behind illness to control the behavior of those who want to help them. This enables them to continue doing what they've been doing.

Create respectful boundaries with your parent. You may want your parent to be a part of your life and your children's lives, yet not want to place yourself in an unsafe or uncomfortable situation. Create some boundaries for yourself and your family and discuss them with your parent. For example, tell your parent that you will leave or ask your parent to leave if they are drunk or acting belligerently. If your parent relies on you to handle legal problems, say that you will no longer fill that role. Choose boundaries that help you feel safe and that protect your family. If you feel like your parent jeopardizes your children's safety, say that they are not allowed to babysit for the children or to drink in your home under any circumstance. Avoid interacting with your parent while they are drunk. Make all family gatherings alcohol-free. If your parent tends to drink at a certain time of day, avoid visits or phone calls after a certain time. EXPERT TIP Lauren Urban, LCSW Lauren Urban, LCSW Licensed Psychotherapist Lauren Urban is a licensed psychotherapist in Brooklyn, New York, with over 13 years of therapy experience working with children, families, couples, and individuals. She received her Masters in Social Work from Hunter College in 2006, and specializes in working with the LGBTQIA community and with clients in recovery or considering recovery for drug and alcohol use. Lauren Urban, LCSW Lauren Urban, LCSW Licensed Psychotherapist Recognize that you can only do so much to help your parent. Psychotherapist Lauren Urban says: "If you feel like your parent is asking too much of you, like asking you to cover for them or help you manage their addiction, those are inappropriate boundaries. You have to be able to live your life outside of this person without a lot of guilt. When you sacrifice yourself for someone else, no matter how much you love them, you'll start to resent them for it."

Approach your parent realistically. You cannot stop your parent from drinking. Often, people make promises to quit, but it's up to your parent to follow through on that decision. You may feel hopeful about your parent changing then feel let down when the pattern of alcohol abuse continues. Your parent can only stop when they are ready. You can talk to your parent about how their drinking affects you. State your feelings and perhaps describe a particular incident that worried you and that had clear and visible consequences.

Ask about medication interactions. Go with your parent to visit the doctor. During the appointment, ask the physician whether there are any unsafe drug interactions with medications your parent takes and alcohol. Many elderly people take daily medications, which can be dangerous if mixed with alcohol. For example, alcohol and aspirin can cause bleeding in the stomach and intestines, alcohol and antihistamines can cause increased drowsiness, and pain killers paired with alcohol can cause liver damage.

Practicing Self-Care

Put away your sense of responsibility. You may want to take care of your parent or take away their means of consuming alcohol. However, hiding the alcohol or pouring it down the drain can often anger the person and make situations worse. Do not blame yourself for your parent's drinking; it is not your fault and you did not cause them to drink. You did not cause your parent's drinking problem and you cannot solve it for them.

Accept your feelings as normal. You may experience many complex emotions around your parent and their drinking problem. You may struggle with feeling love, frustration, anger, hopelessness, or helplessness. You may love your parent but hate their drinking problem. You are not the only person who struggles with conflicting emotions, and you are not alone in your struggles. Journal your feelings about your parent. You may wish to write a letter to your parent detailing how their drinking affects you and what emotions you feel. You may want to write the letter and process your feelings, then decide not to send it.

Practice healthy coping for stress. Find healthy ways to cope with stress through adulthood. Instead of turning to drugs, alcohol, sleeping, or bingeing on food or television, find healthy outlets for your stress. Use exercise to get your body moving and relieve stress, such as dancing, going to the gym, or taking a hike. Spend time with friends by having a game night or going bowling. Do things that make you feel good and that are good for you. Have activities that you enjoy that you do regularly. This can include engaging a hobby, starting a yoga practice, or reading a book. Make time for yourself. Do some meditation, go for a daily walk, or savor a cup of tea in the morning. Take a break to help you put things in perspective.

Confide in someone. It's difficult to cope with the lifestyle and resulting feelings of having an alcoholic parent. Don't feel like you have to keep it all to yourself. Sharing your feelings and frustrations can help you feel better and not so alone. Find a friend who is willing to listen to you and approach the situation nonjudgmentally. Confide in a sibling or close friend. It's okay to talk to someone and it doesn't mean you're being disloyal to your parent.

Engage in meaningful relationships. Some adult children have difficulty engaging in intimate relationships and may tend to shy away. Interpersonal relationships may difficult due to a need for approval or low self-esteem. Having intimate relationships is an important part of connecting with others and creating meaningful relationships. Friendships contribute to overall happiness and stress reduction and can offer support when you need it. If you have difficulty meeting friends, try volunteering. It's a great way to meet people with similar interests as you and can provide an environment to meet people and get to know one another.

Getting Professional Help

Treat any existing drug problems. If, like your parent, you also turn to alcohol as a relief, get treatment. Many children of alcoholic parents also suffer from alcohol problems and cannot seem to get a handle on it. Decide that it's time for you to get help. Look into your treatment options and pick one that's suitable for you. You may choose to get inpatient therapy, like going to a recovery center, or do outpatient treatment, which might include seeing a therapist and/or medical doctor. If you are an alcoholic, then inpatient care may be the best choice. You will need to detox all of the alcohol out of your system, which can be harmful if done at home without medical care. A typical inpatient stay for detox is 5-7 days, depending on the person's needs. For more information, check out How to Overcome Alcoholism.

Join a support group. You are not the only person who struggles with an alcoholic parent. Reach out for support to connect with others who also have alcoholic parents through a support group. A support group is a great way to connect with others, not feel alone in your struggles, share your experiences, and support one another. Some support groups to consider include Adult Children of Alcoholics or Al-Anon Family Groups. If you seek treatment for your own issues with alcohol, look for support groups or group therapies through your doctor, clinic, or program. Some of these groups are run by licensed professionals, which could help your healing.

Get individual therapy. Children of alcoholics often experience low self-esteem, shame, isolation, and emotional distress. It can be difficult to handle these things on your own and you may want to seek the help of a therapist. A therapist can help you work through your emotions, change your mindset in how you approach your family and/or your parent, and help you to build skills to cope with stress more effectively. To find a therapist, call your insurance provider. You may also obtain a referral from your general practitioner or ask a friend for a recommendation.