How to Deal With Disrespectful Children

Dealing in the Moment as a Parent

Point out the behavior right away. If a child is being disrespectful, you should acknowledge the behavior right away. Ignoring the behavior will encourage them to continue until they get your attention. For example, if they're interrupting you while you're on the phone, you could say: "Sweetie, I know you're trying to get my attention, but I'm busy right now." This shows them that you see them and aren't ignoring them. You could even add: "...so you'll have to wait until I'm done." This will tell them what to do in the meantime and promises them that you won't forget about them.

Give the child a reason. If you tell your child to stop with no explanation, they may not see a reason to stop. Once you have identified what your child is doing, explain to them why their behavior is wrong or disrespectful. This will help your child understand the necessity of good manners. Continuing the phone example: if they keep interrupting, say something like, "I'm on the phone. It's not nice to interrupt me while I'm talking to someone else as I'm unable to give them my full attention." You can also suggest an alternative behavior. For example, say something like, "Can you wait for a pause in the conversation if you really need something?"

Explain the consequences. If you try to talk rationally with disrespectful children, and they still continue to misbehave, you need to explain the consequences of their actions. Then, if they continue to disrespect you, make sure you carry out the consequences. Always follow-through on the consequences. If you don't, your child won't take you seriously next time and continue to misbehave. Make sure you tell them a consequence that can be definitely carried through. Think about it carefully and choose your words wisely. For the most impact, choose consequences that are directly related to the behavior in your child you want to change.

Discipline appropriately. If you have to discipline a child, make sure you do so appropriately. Not all forms of punishment work and punishment types depends on the age of the child and the severity of his or her behavior. For example: Avoid physical punishment, like spanking, which can be frightening to a young child. Isolation is another form of punishment that should be avoided since it doesn't let them come to terms with their behavior. Ideally, punishment should teach children how to connect, communicate, and work through negative behaviors. Think less in terms of discipline and more in terms of consequences. Taking away a favorite toy may not teach a child why interrupting your conversation is wrong, but having them dry dishes will show them the value of time.

Responding in the Moment as a Teacher

Tell the child what he or she is supposed to do. As a teacher, especially if you're working with young children, it's better to offer an alternative behavior than scold a child for disobedience. Provide direct, clear instructions on how a child should behave when you see him or her behaving poorly. When a child is behaving poorly, explain how they should be behaving and tell them why the behavior you're suggesting is better. For example, if you see one of your students running at the pool, don't say: "Mason, no running." Instead, try: "Mason, it'll be safer if you walk, as you'll avoid falling and getting hurt." Children tend to be more receptive to being told what to do rather than simply being scolded for bad behavior.

Try a "time in." Timeout is no longer popular disciplinary practice for young children as isolating a child can be frustrating. However, a time-in can remove a child from a distressful situation. If you suspect one of your students is behaving poorly due to stress or overexertion, propose a time-in. Create private, cozy areas in your classroom where kids can sit and relax if they're being disruptive. Provide pillows, books, stuffed toys, and other calming items. The idea is that the child is not being punished, but learning that he needs to regulate emotions better if he wants to participate in class. Discipline should be a learning opportunity. When you have a moment, tell the child why their behavior was disruptive and brainstorm ideas on how to better cope the next time they get emotional or rowdy in class. Parents could benefit from a time-in as well! If you're a parent, have a designated time-in space in your home where your child can go to calm down if they're struggling to regulate their emotions.

Stay positive. Use positive statements and avoid negatives. Children may be disrespectful if they feel they're being disrespected. Don't use statements like, "I'm not going to help you with that problem until you try to work it out yourself." This will make the child feel he's done something wrong by struggling. Instead, say "I think you'll learn more if you try to work out the problem yourself first. Once you do that, I can try to help you." Using statements that are positive will reinforce the idea that you respect the child and are treating him or her like an adult.

Don't take it personally. If a child treats you poorly or disrespectfully, try not to take it personally. Teachers often feel stressed out if children are mean to them or act out in class. It's likely your child is just trying to assert his or her independence or is dealing with something else and are taking it out on you. Children often react in rash ways. Just because a child says, "I hate you," doesn't mean it's true. Remember, children often disrespect their parents or authority figures as a way of testing power structures. Don't get sidetracked. Keep your focus on the behavior your want your child to improve and not on the punishment.

Seek help. If the situation is not improving, it may be time you seek help. The child may be dealing with something and unwilling to talk about it with you. Also, something may be going on at home and he or she may need space to talk it out. Talk to your school's principal or counselor if you're worried a child may have an underlying issue preventing him or her from behaving in class. If the child trusts you, you could try asking the child yourself. Don't break their trust, however, and tell them ahead of time that you may bring the issue up with the principal or guidance counselor, depending on the severity.

Addressing Deeper Issues

Prevent bad behavior before it occurs. Sometimes, the best means of discipline is simple prevention. Look for things that trigger bad behavior and find ways to modify those situations to make your child more comfortable. Consider what's triggering the behavior and if there's any way some of your child's requests could be met. Is there anything you can do in the future to avoid such an outburst? The most common reasons for tantrums are: hunger, exhaustion, fear, or confusion. If you'll be in a situation that might trigger these, consider bringing snacks or toys for the child, or even hiring a babysitter. Allow your child to have some control. If their request is reasonable, consider accommodating it to show them that you respect them. For example, if your kid loves her summer dress, you can let her wear it in the Fall with a jacket. If you're overwhelmed, ask a child psychologist about ways to modify your child’s behavior. Consider working in a foster a home or school to learn how to prevent such behavior.

Try to understand the root of bad behavior. You can't establish appropriate boundaries and discipline if you don't understand why your child is behaving poorly. Work to try to get inside your child's head and understand the roots of the behavior. When your child is upset, connect with them on an emotional level. Say something like, "It seems like you're feeling very angry about this. Why is that?" There may be reasons you didn't think of. For example, if your child cries every night at bedtime, it may not be due to the dark, but because they saw something scary on TV. Talk through your child's fears and reassure them that they're safe.

Teach empathy. Raising a child is about teaching positive behaviors and not just discouraging negative ones. One of the most important things you can teach a child is empathy. When your child is misbehaving, talk to him or her about why that behavior is hurtful to others. If you can, try to help them relate to another person; this is the groundwork for empathy. For example, if they stole another student's pencil, you could say, "I know you liked the bunny pencil you got last Easter. How'd you feel if someone took it from you without asking?" Let them answer. Once your child has considered the other person's point of view, have them apologize. Making your child consider the reason for the apology first encourages empathetic thinking.

Provide an example of appropriate behavior. Try to behave like the person you want your child to grow up to be. Practice good manners. Be kind to others. Stay calm during trying situations. Talk about your emotions openly and show your child how to deal with things like sadness, anger, and other negative feelings in a manner that's constructive and appropriate. Modeling is one of the best ways to teach children how to behave appropriately. This is especially effective on younger children, who learn best from examples.

Don't make assumptions. Take time to talk with him or her to find the real source of the problem. If you assume your child is just being moody, you may not respond with as much love. If you think the child is dealing with deeper issues, you may be tempted to excuse the behavior. The difficult thing about making assumptions is it may cause you to treat a child in a different way, which may not always resolve the problem. When possible, stay consistent with your consequences and your actions, but keep in mind that you may have to adjust them based on what you've learned.

Avoid the power struggle. The power struggle exists because two people are battling over who has power over the other. While you want to show your child that you have authority and need to be respected, you want to do so in a calm, respectful way. Avoid raising your voice at them, yelling at children or talking to them in the same way they are talking to you. If your child is throwing a tantrum, he or she likely hasn't developed adequate problem solving skills. Try to assess and address your child's needs rather than forcing him or her to obey your rules. Sit the child down and talk about what's going on and how you can work together to fix it. If the child is still acting disrespectful and refuses to engage in mature conversation, then give them time to cool off and don't engage in another argument. Don't let a child manipulate you. Children will often try to negotiate with you or manipulate you to get what they want, but make sure you stand firm while remaining calm.

Reinforce positive behavior. If you want your child to behave better, using positive reinforcement can help. Praise your child for small changes in behavior. This can help him learn what behaviors are appropriate. Focus on the behaviors you want to change. For example, if your child often interrupts others, explain why this is bad and then watch for small changes. For example, if you're on the phone your son interrupts you again, he may quiet down after the first time you ask him to. While he still interrupted, he's trying to change. When you're off the phone, praise him for this small change. Say something like, "Isaac, I really appreciated how you stopped talking when I asked." Eventually, he will learn what behaviors are desirable and act accordingly.