Dealing with the Fight in the Moment
Think before you speak. In the heat of an argument, it’s easy to lose your cool and blurt out the first thing that pops into your head. But words really can hurt, and you don’t want to say anything that might make the fight worse or permanently damage the relationship. Force yourself to slow down and choose your words carefully. Before you say something, ask yourself if you really mean it and if it’s really necessary to say it. For example, you may find yourself wanting to say, “You’re a terrible friend!” Do you really think that? Will saying it help resolve your fight? If the answer to either of those questions is “no,” don’t say it! Try mentally rephrasing what you want to say before you say it so you focus on their behavior. For example, instead of “You’re a terrible friend,” say, “I feel really frustrated with the way you’ve been acting lately.” This shows your friend you're concerned about how they're behaving but doesn't attack your friend.
Try to stay calm. Staying calm during a fight is easier said than done. But if you can manage it, it will go a long way toward keeping the fight from escalating and getting out of hand. Take a few deep breaths or count to 10 in your head if you feel like you’re losing your cool. You can also try grounding yourself by focusing on things in your environment. For example, take a second to spot 5 blue things in the room, or focus on the physical sensations inside and outside your body. If you have to, walk out of the room for a few minutes and come back when you feel calmer. You could even say to your friend, “I’m feeling really upset. I need a minute to myself.” Reader Poll: We asked 172 wikiHow readers about the best way to deal with anger, and only 9% of them said visualizing a happy place. [Take Poll] While this can still be helpful, try doing deep breathing exercises instead.
Use “I” language. If your friend feels like you are blaming or labeling them, they will probably react defensively. Using language that focuses on you and your feelings will help you feel more in control of your reactions, and will also feel less hostile to your friend. For example: Instead of saying, “You’re always standing me up! You’re unreliable!” say “I feel really disappointed and upset when we make plans and then you don’t show up. I have a hard time feeling like I can rely on you.”
Keep it civil. Your best friend probably knows how to get under your skin better than anyone, and you can probably give back just as good as you get. Don’t give in to the temptation to belittle your friend or call them names. Even if they’re not fighting fair, taking the high road and being the bigger person will help you feel better and may help your friend calm down, as well. Never insult or threaten your friend during a fight. Even if you’re really mad at your friend about something, try to focus on their negative behaviors rather than who they are as a person. Try to be respectful of your friend by not interrupting them or shouting them down when they’re trying to speak. Avoid exaggerations and absolutes, such as “You never listen to me!”
Take a time out for a bit, if you have to. Not all fights are going to be resolved in a single argument. If things are getting out of hand and you just aren’t making any headway, it might be time to walk away from each other for a while—even if it’s for a few days or a few weeks. Try again when you’ve both had a chance to cool down. You might say to your friend, “Fighting like this isn’t getting us anywhere. Let’s take a break and talk about this later.”
Making Peace with Your Friend
Identify the cause of the fight. Before you can get out of an argument with your friend, you have to figure out what’s causing the problem. Sometimes it’s a simple misunderstanding, or maybe one of you did or said something insensitive or hurtful. Take some time to think it over and work out the root of the issue. Think about what started the fight. Is this an issue you’ve argued about before? Was it a simple event or act that triggered the fight, or is it part of a larger pattern? For example, maybe you and your friend disagreed over which movie to watch, and it turned into a big blow-out. Is there a long-standing pattern of one of you always deciding what you do together? If so, the friendship may be imbalanced, which can lead to tension.
Acknowledge your part in the disagreement. There are 2 sides to every conflict, and it’s possible that you are at least partially at fault for what happened. It can be hard to admit when you’re wrong, but it’s an important part of dealing with conflict in a mature and effective way. Even if you didn’t start the fight, reflect on how you handled yourself during the argument. Is there something you could have done better?
Avoid making assumptions about your friend’s intentions. You might be feeling like your friend is a rude jerk right now, but sometimes the truth is more complicated than you think. Don’t rush into a confrontation with your friend with a bunch of expectations and assumptions about what they are thinking and feeling. Instead, give them a chance to explain their side of things. For example, maybe your friend has a habit of telling rude jokes in front of your girlfriend, and it’s really starting to tick you off. Is your friend like that around everyone? If so, maybe they just aren’t aware of how you and your girlfriend feel about it. If not, maybe it’s a sign that they feel insecure about your friendship.
Give yourself and your friend some time to cool down. If you’ve just had a major fight, you and your best friend might not be ready to have a calm, civil conversation just yet. Wait until you’ve both had a couple days to reflect and get some distance from each other and the argument. Trying to talk about things too soon could just set off another round of fighting. Don’t go too long without reaching out to your friend, however. If you don’t address the issue, bad feelings may continue to fester, and this could lead to an even worse fight.
Reach out to your friend for a conversation. Give your friend a call, send them a text, or shoot them an email. You don’t need to say much—just let them know that you’re feeling bad about what happened and are ready to talk. For example, you could say, “Hey, I’m feeling really down about our argument a couple days ago. Our friendship is so important to me, and I just want to have a talk and clear the air. Can we meet up this week and chat?” Your friend may not be ready to talk. If they say “no” or give you the brushoff, respect their need for space. If they don’t reach out to you first, try again in a couple weeks. If they still aren’t ready, wait for them to make the next move.
Apologize to your friend for your part in the fight. Apologizing can go a long way toward showing your friend that you’re serious about patching things up. Once you and your friend are ready to sit down and have a talk, start by expressing your regret over what happened. Make your apology sincere, and don’t make excuses for your behavior. Don’t offer fake “apologies” that put the blame on your friend, such as, “I’m sorry you think I was being rude, but you shouldn’t have stood me up.” Instead, say something like, “I’m sorry I lashed out like that. I was frustrated, and I said some things I shouldn’t have.” If you really feel that you were completely in the right, you can still express sincere regret over the situation. For example, “I feel bad that we’ve been arguing so much. I don’t want our friendship to be damaged.” If you apologize first, your friend may then offer an apology of their own. Try not to get too upset if they don’t apologize right away, though. They may still need some time to simmer down.
Listen actively to your friend’s side of the argument. Once you’ve expressed your regret, give your friend a chance to talk and explain their side of the situation. Avoid interrupting them, even if what they’re saying upsets you. Try to keep an open mind, and really make an effort to hear and understand what they have to say. This will not only help your friend feel better about things, but may also help clear up any misunderstandings between the 2 of you. Show your friend you are really listening by using receptive body language (nodding and making eye contact) or verbal cues (e.g., “Right,” or “I hear you.”). After your friend has finished speaking, try rephrasing their main points to make sure you understood them correctly. For example, “It sounds like you feel like I try to take control all the time when we do things together, and never let you choose what to do. Is that right?” If you don’t understand something, ask for clarification. Say something like, "Help me understand how my decision to invite Maisie made you feel bad."
Talk to your friend about your feelings. No matter what happened or who is at fault, it’s okay for you to feel upset after a fight with your best friend. Your feelings are valid, and you have a right to express them. Tell your friend how you feel, and explain where you are coming from without labeling or accusing your friend. For example, “When we got together last week, I felt like you weren’t interested in what I had to say, and I feel like that a lot when we’re together lately. I let my frustration get the best of me, and that’s why I stormed out.”
Work together to solve the problem. Once you and your friend have a clearer idea of what went wrong between you, put your heads together and look for a way to keep it from happening again. This doesn’t necessarily mean deciding that 1 of you is right, or that you both have to agree with each other. It could be something as simple as setting a few ground rules for behavior or topics of conversation when you’re together. For example, you might say, “Okay, we’re never going to see eye-to-eye on veganism, but I don’t want that to put a wedge between us. Let’s just agree to respect each other’s lifestyle choices and not talk about it when we’re together.” If you fought because of something hurtful that you said or did, make a commitment to your friend that you won’t do it again. E.g., “I’m sorry that I complain about your parents so much. I know it bothers you, and I’ll avoid doing it from now on.” If you fought because of something your friend said or did, let them know what they can do to make things better going forward. For example, “Please don’t tell rude jokes around my girlfriend from now on.”
Moving Forward after a Fight
Avoid repeating any behaviors that contributed to the fight. Even if you and your friend have cleared the air and made up, you will both need to put in some work to keep it from happening again. Continue to be conscious of the issues that led to the fight in the first place, and don’t be afraid to give each other gentle reminders if one of you starts to slip up again. For example, if you fought because your friend wouldn’t stop playing on her cell phone when you were trying to have a serious conversation, you might have to remind her to put the phone away now and then. You could say, “Hey, remember how we agreed to keep our phones in our bags during lunch?” Likewise, ask your friend to hold you accountable. For example, “Just tell me to quit it if I start gossiping in front of you again. I know it bothers you, but sometimes I don’t even realize I’m doing it.”
Try not to dwell on what happened. It can be hard to let go after a major fight, but you’ll feel better if you do. There’s nothing you can do to change what happened, but you and your friend can both learn from the experience and your friendship can grow stronger as you move forward. Focus on the positive things that came out of your argument. For example, remind yourself that you and your friend learned new things about each other, and be proud of the fact that you were able to talk it through and continue your friendship.
Have some quality time with your friend to help the friendship heal. After a fight, it’s important for you and your friend to reinforce the friendship and remind yourselves about the good aspects of your relationship. Make a date to do something with your friend that you both enjoy. For example, you might go see a movie you’ve both been looking forward to, then go out for dinner and have a fun conversation about the movie afterwards. Tell your friend specifically what you love about them.
Communicate honestly with your friend at all times. Good communication is key to maintaining a healthy friendship. Don’t expect your friend to read your mind, or make the mistake of thinking you can read theirs. If something is bothering you, speak up and let your friend know. Communication goes both ways. Communicate clearly and honestly with your friend, but also don’t be afraid to ask them for clarification if you don’t get what they’re trying to say.
Set boundaries, if necessary. Keeping your friendship healthy isn’t just your responsibility. Your friend also needs to be respectful and do their part to keep fights and friction to a minimum. Decide what you are and are not willing to put up with from your friend, and establish clear boundaries and consequences for when those boundaries are violated. For example, you might say, “I can’t go out to lunch with you anymore if you’re going to ask me to cover the bill every time. If you can’t afford to chip in, let me know, and we’ll plan to do something else.” Don’t be afraid to say “no” sometimes. You don’t have to feel obligated to go along with whatever your friend wants.
Accept that you can’t change your friend. You and your friend will never agree on everything, and you’re bound to do things that annoy or upset each other. You’ll have an easier time getting along with your friend if you recognize that you can’t change how they think, feel, or behave. While you can ask your friend to make changes, it’s ultimately up to them whether they do or not. Decide whether you can accept your friend as they are, and go from there. For example, your friend may never be as neat as you, and you might just have to accept that their house will always be a mess when you come over. If it really bothers you, try meeting at your place, instead. Likewise, your friend should not feel that they can control who you are. While they have the right to make requests of you, it’s ultimately your choice whether to agree to those requests. This doesn’t mean you have to put up with everything your friend does. If your friend does something you just can’t deal with, and they refuse to change their behavior, it may be time for you to move on from the friendship.
End the friendship, if you have to. Letting go of a friendship is one of the toughest things you can do, especially when it’s your best friend. Unfortunately, there are times when maintaining a friendship is more harmful than beneficial. It may be time to end the friendship if: Being with your friend feels more stressful or tedious than fulfilling or joyful. Your friend regularly belittles you, takes advantage of you, violates your boundaries, or refuses to respect your wishes. You don’t feel like you and your friend have that much in common anymore. You feel like you can’t be yourself around your friend. You and your friend don’t trust each other. You feel like you are putting a lot more work into the friendship than your friend is.
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