Practicing Authenticity
Believe in yourself and let other people get to know the real you. People are attracted to others who know who they are, and pretending to be someone else might make others think you just want approval or attention. Recognize your strengths and be true to who you want to be, no matter what situation you find yourself in. If you feel nervous, try some of these confidence-boosting strategies: Practice good posture and avoid looking at the ground when you walk. Make eye contact with others without staring them down. Be the first person to say “hi” to the new kid or to initiate a conversation. Stick up for others instead of teasing or bullying them. Avoid apologizing for things you don’t actually need to apologize for.
Focus on staying present with the people around you. Staying present can help you connect with others. It isn’t always easy, but if you can master this skill, you’ll make the people around you feel more seen and appreciated. If you’re always waiting for the next cool thing to happen, others might feel like they’re second best. Try to practice awareness of your surroundings and minimize distractions, like using your cellphone, when you’re talking to someone. If you focus on being present with others, they’ll sense that you’re a genuine person. If you struggle to put your phone away, like many of us do, try turning the ringer on silent when you are in a situation where you should be focusing.
Share your passions with the people around you. Passionate people are automatically more attractive to others—their enthusiasm is contagious! Even if you think that your passion is silly or nerdy, go after it with gusto. You’ll be surprised at how inspiring it can be to others to see someone chasing after their dreams. If you want other people to love you, you have to love yourself. That includes accepting and embracing all parts of yourself, including your passions. Make time to do the things you love. Set aside time every week to practice or enjoy your particular passion.Tip: If someone makes fun of you or mocks you for doing something you love, think again about whether or not you really care if they love you. The sort of people you want to have in your life won’t treat you like that.
Spend time with people who are genuine and who support the true you. Not everyone will love you, but the people who matter will. Part of being an authentic and loved person means that you have to make good decisions about who you’re going to surround yourself with. Don’t participate in toxic relationships or pursue others who ignore you or are mean to you. It can be hard to find good friends. If you’re struggling, try joining a club or going to local events. Be friendly and confident and remember that it can take a while to get to know new people.
Offer a warm smile to the people you see every day. It’s simple but true: a smile can brighten someone’s day. Smile with your eyes and don’t be afraid to show your teeth. If you’re worried about how you look, practice in the mirror. There may be times when you just can’t bring yourself to smile, and that is okay. If you’re feeling sad or worried, accept those feelings and don’t force yourself to appear happier than you really are.
Showing Kindness
Listen to others to really understand what they’re trying to communicate. Just like you want to be heard, so do the people around you. Being a good listener will deepen your connection with others and help you be a better friend. When someone else is talking, try not to focus on what you want to say next. Keep your attention on the other person. Follow some of these top listening tips in your next conversation: Avoid one-upping someone else’s story with one about yourself. Be an empathetic listener rather than a problem-solver. Ask if the person wants advice before giving it to them. Listen actively by nodding your head occasionally, maintaining eye contact, and giving small verbal cues. Do your best to remember details from the conversation.
Ask questions and avoid talking about yourself all the time. Just like listening, asking questions is a really good way to show others that they matter. If you’re hanging out with a group of people, try to get to know as much about them as you can instead of monopolizing the conversation. It’s okay to share about yourself with others—that is how relationships are formed! Just be aware of how much you’re talking so that others feel important, too.Tip: If you are at a loss for what question to ask next, try saying, “Tell me more about that.” It’s a great line that draws people out and gets them talking more.
Offer to help others when they need something. Being a good friend is a great way to make others love you. You could volunteer your time, energy, or resources when they’re needed. For example, offer to give someone a ride when their car is in the shop, or offer to water your neighbor’s plants while they’re on vacation. Actively look for opportunities to do nice things for others. Whether that’s baking cookies for your class, taking a meal to a new mother, or offering to babysit for free, there are lots of little things you can do every day to make a difference in someone’s life. On the flip-side, be careful that others don’t take advantage of you. If someone only talks to you when they need something, that may be a sign of an unbalanced relationship.
Celebrate others when they do well. If you want others to like you and support you, you have to do the same for them. When someone does well on a test, gets a new job, or starts a new relationship, wish them well and celebrate their success. Even small things, like making a difficult phone call or finishing a project, are important to acknowledge. Jealousy is a normal feeling, but it doesn’t mean you can’t also be happy for another person. Remember, someone else’s success doesn’t diminish your own!
Respect others even when you don’t understand them. Even if someone is different than you, they still deserve to be respected. When you treat others well, the people around you see that and know what kind of person you are. Make it a point to be kind to people who are different and do not mock, tease, or bully them. Let others have their own opinions and beliefs, even if they don’t match your own. Respect people’s boundaries and don’t push them to do things they’re not comfortable with. Don’t shame people for liking things you think are weird.
Accepting Yourself
Believe that you deserve to be loved. This is a lofty goal, but it’s super important. If you are seeking love from others but don’t love or even like yourself, you’ll never be truly satisfied or fulfilled. Learn to value yourself and believe in your inherent worth. Give yourself time to learn how to love yourself. It’s not something that will happen overnight. If you are struggling with self-love, try talking to someone about it. Opening up to a friend or even to a therapist could make a big difference in how you see yourself.
Replace negative self-talk with positive self-talk. Start by recognizing how you judge yourself and what your inner critic tells you. When you notice these thoughts, replace them with positive affirmations to help reframe your thoughts. For example, if your inner critic says, “You’re so stupid. Why would anyone love you?” take a moment to acknowledge that thought. Then, reframe it by saying to yourself, either out loud or internally, “I am worthy of being loved and people care about me.” Positive Affirmations: Try out some of these other affirmations. Repeat them to yourself throughout the day if you notice you’re being hard on yourself: I am strong and capable. I am a fun and loving person. People enjoy my friendship and I’m a good friend. I can do hard things.
Release yourself from the idea that you can ever be perfect. Accept yourself the way you are, flaws and all, and recognize that those flaws and imperfections are part of what help connect you to others. People feel intimidated by others who claim to have it all together, and people who try to be perfect all the time often come across as inauthentic. There is absolutely nothing wrong with trying to improve or better yourself, but there is a difference between self-improvement and perfection. Work at yourself, try to be a better person, but remember to give yourself grace and embrace your flaws, too.
Stop worrying about what other people think about you. You really can’t please everyone, and if you try to, you’re going to wear yourself out and lose yourself in the process. Try saying some of these affirmations when you find yourself fixating on whether or not other people like you: I am confident in myself. I can live my life without worrying about what other people think of me. I am happy with myself. I make my decisions for me, not for anyone else. I accept and love myself, and that is what is most important.
Understand that not everyone will love you and that is okay. Everyone wants to be loved and liked—that’s a normal and healthy part of being human. Not everyone will love you though, and some people may even dislike you. If you can accept yourself and focus on the positive relationships in your life, it’ll make it much easier to deal with the inevitable rejections and conflicts that will come up. Try thinking about it this way: do you genuinely like or love everyone you meet? Chances are, there are some people you just don’t click with for whatever reason. Not everyone is going to be for you, just like you won’t be for everyone, too.
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