Listen to his feelings.
Your boyfriend likely wants to feel heard and understood. It’s really tempting to want to jump in there and “fix” whatever problem is going on immediately. Hold off for a bit, and pay close attention to what he’s saying. Encourage him to talk about his feelings and ask him about what’s upsetting him. “I’m here for you if you want to talk to me about what’s going on.” “Hey, what’s making you feel this way?”
Give him space to cool off.
You can have more productive conversations once he's calm. Even if he’s riled up, stay cool, and try not to take the anger personally. We know staying calm is easier said than done, but as long as he’s a good person and a good boyfriend, he’ll come back around once the initial anger goes away. Then, you’ll be able to have a better conversation to resolve the situation. Try to avoid saying anything to directly contradict him or blame him. Giving him space might look like physically leaving the room or saying something like, “It’s hard for me to talk to you when you’re angry. Let’s take a time-out and come back to this.”
Apologize if you upset him.
Saying sorry prevents the conflict from escalating. Even if you didn’t intend to upset him, an apology shows that you empathize with how he feels. Later, you can dive into the underlying problem and express your point of view, but for now, just let him know you’re sorry for hurting his feelings or making him angry. Try something like, “I’m really sorry I made you feel that way.”
Tell him you understand his perspective.
Use compassion to help you two move on from the conflict. Try to see things from his side. You might totally disagree with his perspective (and that’s normal and healthy). But put yourself in his shoes for now—it’ll help him feel understood. Tell him his feelings are valid and that you get what he’s going through. “I get how upset you must’ve felt when I had to cancel our weekend trip.” “I can tell that text really upset you. I understand why what I said hurt you.” “It’s fair that you feel like that. I’d be angry, too, if I thought someone was ignoring me on purpose.” Harville Hendrix Harville Hendrix, World-Relationship Therapist When your partner is angry, don't react defensively even if you feel unfairly attacked. Instead, let them vent while you listen quietly and attentively. When they finish, paraphrase what you heard and ask if you understood correctly. This simple act of listening without judgement can diffuse anger, and pave the way for rational problem solving.
Take him on a fun date.
Going on an adventure can help you two break out of a tense situation. Whether he’s angry at you or angry about something else, take a break to spend quality time together and get a change of scenery. Getting him out of the house should help distract him from whatever negative emotions he’s feeling. Go on a spontaneous road trip to a nearby town. Pack a picnic and check out a local park. Visit a new museum, arcade, or amusement park.
Bring him a small gift.
Make him feel special with a small surprise. Even if he’s angry, you can still show him you care about him and are there to support him. Try bringing him something small, like one of his favorite treats or something that reminds you of time you’ve spent together. Buy a silly greeting card and write a cute note inside. For a digital version of this, make him a playlist and tell him why it reminds you of him.
Offer him food or something to drink.
Food can be comforting, and this small gesture shows him you care. Cook something together, or offer to pick up his favorite takeout. If he’s not very hungry, ask him if you can bring him coffee or a cup of tea. Bring him a few chocolates or go out for ice cream for a fun take on this option.
Have a cuddle session.
Physical touch is proven to boost your mood and relationship satisfaction. Hugging, kissing, and holding hands are great ways to de-stress and get your boyfriend’s mind off his anger. Physical touch reduces our fear and stress response levels and releases feel-good hormones! You can even offer to give him a back massage.
Go exercise together.
Exercise is one of the best ways to de-stress and de-escalate conflict. When we exercise, our bodies release endorphins, which are natural painkillers and stress relievers. Help your boyfriend burn off stress by suggesting a workout or outdoor excursion. Check out these other activities you can do together: Go for a walk or a hike. Take a yoga or spin class. Hit the gym together.
Suggest doing one of his favorite activities.
This is a great way to show you’re putting effort into the relationship. Try a fun hobby together to take both your minds off the conflict until he cools down. Sharing your interests with each other can even help you bond and feel closer to each other. Ask him, “Hey, what’s something you’ve always wanted us to try together?” Ask him to teach you about one of his interests, like, “Will you show me how to play FIFA?”
Make a list of reasons why you appreciate him.
Compliments can refill the supply of good feelings in your relationship. Anger and conflict take a toll on your emotional reservoirs, but gratitude and appreciation can bring positive feelings back! If something outside the relationship upset him, a sweet gesture like a list of reasons you’re grateful for him might cheer him up. If he’s mad at you, telling him how much you value him might remind him that you’re a caring partner who values the relationship and wants to make it work.
Joke around a bit.
Humor can relieve tension and strengthen your bond. Try to bring up an inside joke or use self-deprecating humor instead of making a joke at his expense. Just don’t joke about serious situations or make fun of his feelings. Poke fun at yourself! Tell him about a time when you did something embarrassing or silly. Send him a funny video or GIF based on a show or movie you both like.
Talk about preventing conflict in the future.
Once he’s calmed down, work together to solve any underlying problems. By talking about the issues that made him mad, you can take steps to make your relationship stronger and happier. Ask him what he needs to feel supported and loved. Then, tell him what you need to feel the same way, and see if you can find a middle ground. Try starting the conversation with something like, “What do you think we can do in the future so you don’t have to feel this way?” Ask for more information if you don’t understand the issue. For instance, you could say, “Could you tell me more about why it upset you when I didn’t text back on Friday?” Suggest a compromise by saying something like, “Could we try splitting the difference between what we both want? We could try setting aside time together on the weekends, but we could leave Friday nights free so that you can have time with friends.”
Watch out for a pattern of angry behavior.
Anger should not pop up consistently in your relationship. Everyone has bad days, but it’s not fair to you (and it’s not healthy) if your boyfriend is continually angry at you. You deserve love and respect! If your boyfriend gets angry with you a lot, that’s a sign he needs professional help, and you should consider leaving the relationship. Here are just a few red flags to look out for: Calling you names and putting you down Embarrassing you in public or in front of others Physically damaging property (kicking doors, punching walls) Continually blaming unhealthy behavior or anger on your actions Threatening to hurt you
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