How to Navigate Sexual Issues While Single

Think about how much you really want to have sex with other people. If you sometimes feel different than other people because you feel content being single and celibate, ask yourself the following: Do you find that you lack any desire for or attraction to members of either gender? You may think some people are good looking, but do not feel "turned on" by looking at them the way your friends seem to be. Or are you attracted to some people of the same and/or opposite gender, but you do not actually want to have sex with those people? Did you try making out with, or having sex with people you felt attracted to, and find you did not enjoy the experience? If you answered "yes" to one or more of these questions, you do not need to feel alone or abnormal. There are many others who are asexual like you. Asexuals sometimes enjoy romantic relationships without sex, or with limited sex. Asexuals may seek out just cuddling and physical affection, or they may only want platonic friendships in their life. There is a strong online support community for asexuals that you may want to reach out to, to seek advice and support on how to handle feeling "different" than your single and "coupled" friends, and to seek advice on how to pursue the kinds of non-sexual (or quasi-sexual) relationships you want in your life.

Think about how "monogamous" you want your next relationship to be. There is a great deal of diversity in the types of relationships people share. Maybe you are not cut out for some kinds of relationships, but you are for other kinds of relationships. Think about how many different sexual partners you would ideally like to have at any given point in time. If you are imagining a mix of several different long and short term sexual partners, you may be on the non-monogamous end of the monogamy <--> non-monogamy spectrum. Many people with these preferences become polyamorous, because polyamory allows them to find partners who are comfortable being in relatively "open" types of relationships in an ethical manner (i.e., without exposing anyone to sexually-transmitted-disease risks without their explicit consent). If that seems untenable to you in the long run, maybe you imagine instead sharing a long-term, stable relationship with someone, but that you and your partner are not completely closed off to other relationships. Maybe as a couple, you engage in swinging, or perhaps both of you are free to form meaningful, long-term sexual and romantic relationships with others. If this sounds like your idea, you may be happiest pursuing either a polyfidelitous relationship, or a more conventional type of relationship with someone who enjoys swinging or visiting sex clubs on occasion. There are poly-oriented online communities and local support groups in many areas for polyamorous individuals. The most popular dating site for those seeking poly relationships is ok cupid. If none of these non-monogamous types of relationships appeal to you in concept, and instead, your ideal relationship would be sexually exclusive, you may be on the monogamous end of the non-monogamy <--> monogamy spectrum. If you tend to feel jealous when someone you like flirts with someone else, and if you often imagine the object of your affection loving you, and only you, these are good indicators that you have strong (serially) monogamous tendencies. If you can hardly think of anyone else in a "romantic" way when you are in love with someone, this is also a good indicator that you are (serially) monogamous by nature. It is important to understand that you cannot convert someone to become polyamorous any more than you can convert someone to become gay or monogamous. It is part of who someone is that typically lasts a lifetime and cannot be changed. You are more likely to be sexually compatible with someone in the long run if you are both on the same end (or middle) of the non-monogamy <--> monogamy spectrum.

Ask yourself how "kinky" you want your next relationship to be? There is a lot of diversity when it comes to sexual desire, so there really is no such thing as normal and abnormal sexual desires, just rare and more common sexual desires. Desires you may think of as rare may not be as rare as you think. Do you only enjoy fantasizing about sex while being somewhere unique, or doing something less than conventional, such as imagining having sex in public or while dressed in Victorian-era costumes? You may be "kinky" and have a fetish. Many if not most people have fetishes, whether they are aware of them or not. Just because you like imagining a particular "fetish" scenario does not mean you ever need to or even want to enact it. Then again, you might! Figuring out where you fall on the various sexual and "kink" spectrums is another key step in learning how to explore and enjoy your sexuality with yourself and with others. It is also a key step to finding a partner you will be sexually compatible with in the long run. There are many online communities devoted to helping adults explore their kinks. On these sites, you can find information about "munch-ins", which are meetings at coffee shops devoted to discussing kinks with like-minded, "fetish-friendly" people.

Take the initiative to pursue the kind of relationship you want. The most important step you can take to increase your odds of finding someone to share a relationship with is to live in or move to a medium to large city. The more interested you are in alternative types of relationships, the important it is that you live in a community that is large enough to include people with similar interests. Across the United States, 28% of adults live by themselves, but the proportion of adults who live alone in large cities like New York and Washington D.C. is closer to 50%. A large proportion of those living alone are single. Internationally, the percentage of those living alone are fairly similar in large cities. Following are some of the most important steps you need to take in order to take the initiative to find a relationship: ask people out on dates (the more you do it, the easier it gets); get involved in social activities you enjoy that are with the kinds of people you want to date; put yourself out there (post a profile on an online dating site, let your friends know you are single and looking); be flexible about the terms of the relationship (e.g., agree to casually date someone for the first few months of the relationship); and try to reassess and adjust your more superficial preferences (ask a good friend to help you decide what preferences you have that are a little silly - like hair color - that might lead you to overlook a great potential partner).

Many people who complain about all the good guys or women being “taken” are usually referring to funny, kind, attractive, interesting people whom they imagine meeting relatively effortlessly, who share similar relationship goals with them, and whom they feel a mutual spark with right from the start. While this does happen time to time, most people have to take some of the steps outlined above if they realistically hope to meet someone they could be happy with in a relationship.

Determine whether you are sexually compatible with your new partner. Here are some initial questions to ask yourself as you enter into, and then become more deeply involved in a long-term relationship: Do you often feel rejected by your partner when you try to initiate intimacy? Does your partner complain often of feeling rejected in this way by you? Do you feel as if your partner is only intimate with you out of a sense of obligation? Or does your partner complain that you do not seem to really enjoy sex? Do you and your partner have vastly different sex drives? Do you and your partner seem to enjoy very different things in bed, enough that you end up arguing a lot when you try to have sex? If you answered yes to any of these questions, it may be a sign that you are sexually incompatible with someone, at least to a degree worth discussing with your new partner. It is possible you could work through these issues through communication, or you might find the problems just get worse over time. Remember, sexual compatibility is generally undervalued in our society (especially among young women who have not reached their sexual peak) and many relationships end due to sexual incompatibility issues. Even if you are saving sex till marriage, in premarital counseling, many pastors and priests encourage engaged couples to talk through many of these types of issues to make sure they are on the same page before they make a lifetime commitment to each other. Many believe it is possible to get a good sense of your sexual chemistry and compatibility with someone without having intercourse, since intercourse is only one part of sex. In general, traits like conscientiousness, responsiveness to needs, and willingness to go out of one's way to make someone else happy are traits that carry over into the bedroom, especially with time and experience.

Avoid settling. Many people admit to having settled for a less than ideal sex life in order to maintain a long-term, monogamous romantic relationship. It can be especially disappointing for those individuals if an infidelity or romantic betrayal occurs, because they may have felt like they would not have been willing to make those kinds of compromises about their sex life if they had known their partners would not stay true to their word: As a rule of thumb, your relationship should be so sexually and emotionally satisfying that you think you could imagine forgiving that partner if s/he cheated on you once, since there is a high likelihood s/he will (see Warnings section). If you cling to an unsatisfying, dysfunctional relationship just because you think your partner will be sexually faithful, that is not much of a basis for a relationship (and you may be wrong). If you know you are sexually incompatible from the beginning, the decision to leave may be easy. If you are having sexual problems with a long-term partner, though, it is important to assess whether the problem can be fixed with time. Be gentle and patient, because you do not want to give them a complex and make matters worse: You might consider seeing a sexual counselor, which is a therapist who specializes in talking with couples about sexual issues and assigning them "homework" to do, to work toward resolving sexual issues. Take your time, because you may not immediately uncover the causes, which could range from temporary depression to your partner just sticking around for financial support even though s/he does not love you anymore. If you suspect your partner is not being up front about the causes, or you do not think you can tolerate the sexual problems in the long run and have tried for several months to address the problem, sometimes it is better for both people to end the relationship.