Determining and Discussing the Problem
Pay attention to her behavior to figure out what’s bothering her. Notice when she acts strange or distant. Is it when you start talking about the new girl in class? Maybe she’s jealous. Or does she sigh every time you say you’re playing video games? Maybe she wishes you’d spend more time with her. Analyze the signals to see if you can uncover the issue. Listen to the tone in her voice or any changes in how she communicates with you. For example, if she usually texts you back right away but doesn’t respond to messages whenever you mention meeting her mom, maybe you need to slow down the pace. Additionally, watch her nonverbal cues to help you understand what she's feeling. For example, she may be pulling away from you and refusing to make eye contact if she's upset. Do not ask her friends if they know what's wrong. It could backfire if they tell her and she interprets it as you going behind her back!
Find a time and place for the two of you to talk privately. Figure out when she has a chunk of time available, preferably at least 30 minutes so you don’t feel rushed. Ask if you can get together to talk somewhere that you won’t be interrupted or overheard, like at the park or in your living room. For example, call her and say, “Hi Ally. Do you think you could come over to my house tomorrow after school for like an hour?”Warning: Do not text her asking what’s wrong. This is a conversation that is best to have in person, even if it makes you a little uncomfortable.
Address the issue directly. Though you may feel awkward or nervous, it’s best not to beat around the bush. Tell your girlfriend that you’re worried you’re going to lose her or that it feels like something about your relationship has changed. Be as specific as possible, but try not to blame her. You could say, “I feel some distance in our relationship and it worries me. Have I done something to upset you?” or “Has something been bothering you lately?”
Use "I" statements and specific examples to keep the focus on the issue. Don't say things like "you always do this" or "you never do this." Shifting the blame may make her feel defensive, which can make it harder to work out the problem. Instead, give her examples of what you're talking about. Say, "I noticed that you've been really quiet the last few times that we've hung out. Is something wrong?" or “I feel like you’re not that into me anymore. Have your feelings changed?”
Maintain open and friendly body language so she doesn't feel attacked. Sit in a relaxed position with your arms uncrossed and your body relaxed so she feels comfortable. Maintain eye contact to convey that you're listening and that you're interested. You can also lean in slightly or hold her hand to show you're completely focused on her. Avoid negative signals, like looking away, pursing your lips, or furrowing your brow.
Be a good listener by allowing her to share her feelings. Even if she starts accusing you or if she says the problem is your fault, let her talk and get it out. Don't become defensive. Sit and listen to her and try to put yourself in her shoes so you can understand where she’s coming from.
Ask questions if you need clarification or don’t understand her point of view. If you don't understand why she’s upset or if you aren't sure what she expects from you, ask! Be open and honest while you talk and ask her to do the same. You can also ask questions to show her that you’re listening. For instance if she says, "I'm just a little frustrated because we never get to spend time alone," you could respond with, "I didn’t realize it bothered you that we do stuff with our friends so often. Do you want to set aside a few nights a week just for us?"
Resolving the Issue and Moving On
Apologize sincerely if you’ve done something to upset her. Set your ego aside and say "I'm sorry" for anything that you've done wrong, making sure to state it out loud so she knows you were listening. Do your best to accept responsibility for your mistakes, however minor they may seem to you. Remember that they're clearly important to her and holding onto any resentment will just hurt your relationship. Don't be afraid to be the first to apologize, even if you don't think you're in the wrong. In some cases, you may have done something to hurt her without realizing it or intending to hurt her. It's important to recognize how she feels and show her that you didn't mean to hurt her. For instance, if she is upset that you don’t get to see each other very often, you could say, “I’m really sorry, Shelley. I’ve been so busy with school and baseball practice that I haven’t gotten to hang out with you much lately.”
Come up with a solution that works for both of you. Be prepared to negotiate and discuss the problem to come up with something that makes you both happy. Try to be patient and understanding, and hear her feedback when she has concerns instead of arguing or lashing out. Understand that compromise involves sacrifice and that you won't always get your way. Remember that she's giving up things, too, and that there's no "winning" or "losing." For instance, if she’s upset that your friend is always hanging out at your place, say "I understand you don't want Chris with us all the time. But he's also my best friend and struggling with some personal stuff right now so I don't want to just cut him off completely. How do you feel about letting him hang out with us 2 night a week from now on?” Keep in mind that some problems can't be resolved and there's a possibility that your relationship may end. While this is difficult to face, it may turn out to be for best in the long run.
Give her space if she asks for it. Try not to be too clingy, especially following an argument or a rocky period. Even if you want to be with her 24/7, let her enjoy a night out with her friends or take some quiet time to herself so you don't suffocate her or drive her away. Tip: Use this opportunity to take some time for yourself. Pursue your own interests and hobbies, which will actually strengthen your bond as it gives you both time to miss each other.
Practice positive self-talk every day to feel more secure in your relationship. If your girlfriend drama has made you feel insecure, come up with a list of 2 to 3 mantras to tell yourself each morning in the mirror or whenever you’re feeling low. Pick phrases that empower you and make you feel good about yourself. For example, try things like, “I am strong” or “I can handle whatever comes my way!” Keep them on a note-taking app on your phone or set your phone’s wallpaper as one of the mantras to keep as a reminder. Remember that part of what makes a happy couple is if both people are confident and like themselves first. Insecurity isn’t attractive and it can sabotage a relationship.
Treating Your Girlfriend Well
Spend quality time with your girlfriend without having to be asked. Make your girlfriend feel special by making her a priority. Choose something as simple as hanging out and watching a movie or going for a walk after school. Be willing to make time for her, no matter how busy your schedule gets. Quality time means your attention is focused on her, not on another activity, such as gaming. If you’re constantly doing other things when you could be with your girlfriend, you’ll send the message that she isn’t that important to you. Keep a balance between spending time with your girlfriend, your friends, and your family.
Compliment both her inner and outer beauty to show you appreciate her. Don’t miss an opportunity to tell your girlfriend how beautiful, kind, thoughtful, or funny you think she is. This is also a good way to remind yourself of the things you like about her. For example, you could say something like, “Wow, that new dress looks great on you,” or, “I love that we can have deep conversations.” If you give her compliments she doesn't hear often, they will likely mean more to her and will show her you're paying attention. You might say, "I like the way you always make the barista smile when you're giving your order," or "I'm really impressed that you read so many books last month." Avoid giving your girlfriend too much mindless praise, or it could come off sounding forced and eventually lose its meaning. Always be sincere.
Let her know you’re thinking about her from time to time throughout the day. Call or text her just to say hi. Or leave a sweet message for her on social media to tell her that she’s on your mind. She’ll appreciate the gesture. Keep up with what’s going on in her life to show her that you care enough to remember things. She’ll be thrilled to hear, “Did you get that internship you wanted?” or “How did your test go?” after a difficult exam.
Surprise her with thoughtful gifts or flowers to remind her how you feel. Give her a small present for no reason at all to emphasize how much you care about her. When choosing a gift, pick something meaningful, like a notebook with her favorite sloth meme on the front, rather than something expensive. You don’t have to spend a lot of money to show you care; you could write her a note, poem, or a song, make her a bracelet or a painting, or bring her favorite candy bar or snack to school for her. Other gift ideas that won’t break the bank include a candle in a scent she loves, a framed picture of the two of you, a fancy pen if she likes to write, a succulent or single flower, a funky pair of socks, or a new pin for her backpack or purse. An experience that the 2 of you can do together, like going on a camping trip or taking her to see her favorite band in concert, also make great gifts.
Go on a special date occasionally to keep the romance alive. Schedule some time for you to be alone together, whether it's a trip to the local art museum, a picnic in the park, or a movie night. Plan the date yourself to show her you can take charge or take turns picking what you do. You don’t have to spend a lot of money to be romantic. Make her dinner, take her somewhere to see the stars, or stroll through town hand-in-hand. She’ll appreciate spending time with you regardless of what you’re doing.Tip: To make it even more exciting, pretend like you're doing something boring, like chores, and then surprise her with the date!
Keep her interest by maintaining your appearance and attitude. Some guys will pretend to be confident and positive to land a girl, then drop the act and let their insecurities and neediness show. This can turn a girl off and make her less interested in you. While it’s okay to be vulnerable, you also want to show your girl that you’re the same strong, capable guy she fell for. Similarly, don’t let your personal hygiene fall by the wayside once you have a girlfriend. Groom yourself regularly and go the extra mile for date nights, if you can -- get a haircut or style your hair, wear a nice outfit, and put on some cologne.
Don’t pressure her into doing something she doesn’t want to do. Never ask your girlfriend to do anything she’s not comfortable with, sexual or otherwise. Doing so could damage her trust or hurt her in some other way, creating serious problems between the two of you. Never expect sex from your girlfriend. Respect that if she says no to something, she means no.
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