Withdrawing Gradually from the Friendship
Don’t make drastic moves on social media. Immediately unfollowing/unfriending will make it pretty clear to all your mutual friends that you are severing ties with your friend, possibly before they even know that’s what happening. Removing them from all your social media makes your private decision to end this friendship public, and ruin the subtlety of fading out of their life. Instead of unfriending them on Facebook, consider unfollowing them so you no longer see their posts in your news feed.
Make yourself unavailable. When your friend wants to make plans, tell them you’re really busy. Homework, family, religious obligations—these are all reasons you can give for being unable to hang out. Be slow in responding to their texts and try not to talk on the phone as often. When you do talk, keep the conversations relatively short. Remember, don’t be mean or abrupt with them. You’re not trying to hurt their feelings here, so just keep it light and say things like “I’m sorry, I’ve really got to run!” If you’re uncomfortable pretending to be busy when your friend calls, then GET busy. Join a club or activity that interests you but not your friend. You can meet new people this way and have legitimate reasons for being too busy to hang out. Spend time with other friends, reconnect with family, or even venture out on your own.
Don’t share as much as you used to. If you used to tell them about every interaction with your crush, or confide in them about family problems, start to dial that back. Keep your conversations surface-level, sticking things like school work. If they want to chat with you for hours about their partner, try to find a way to avoid the conversation, or keep it really short. You can tell them you're busy and can't talk, or that you only have about five minutes to talk before you have to be somewhere else.
Determine if gradually phasing out your friendship is appropriate, or if you need to have a frank discussion with your friend. If the person is a long-time or best friend, this is usually not the best tactic for ending the friendship completely. If you just want to step back a little (maybe going from besties to just friends, or friends to acquaintances), the gradual withdrawal can work. But if you want your oldest friend out of your life, you owe it to the friendship to have a conversation with them. Still, you may want to start the process by putting a little distance between you and them. If the person is in your life 24/7 (you have every class together, hang out in the same group, and involved in the same activities), you probably want to try the gradual approach. Telling them point-blank that you don’t want to be friends when they're this entangled in your life will probably make a huge mess. If the friendship seems to be on its way out anyway (like if neither one of you seems to be able to find time for each other), just let it fade out on its own. It’s not necessary to tell them you no longer want to be friends. Don’t cut them off completely with no explanation. Gradually withdrawing from a friendship is different from “ghosting,” which means you ignore their attempts to reach out to you and basically pretend you don’t know them. This is hurtful, confusing, and will probably lead to some drama. Be aware that this method can still cause hurt feelings. Even if you don’t tell the person “I don’t want to be your friend anymore,” they will probably figure it out and feel confused and upset.
Being Frank
Plan what you will say. This is going to be a hard conversation, so you may want to write out the reasons why you want to end the friendship, or even write a script. Because you are trying to minimize hurt feelings, make sure your reasons are stated tactfully and that you’re not blaming them or being accusatory. You may want to discuss what to say with another close friend, sibling, or parent. This is fine, and probably a good idea, just make sure it’s someone you trust to keep things quiet. If they hears from someone else that you don’t want to be their friend—or worse, a few other people—it’s going to be very hurtful.
Sit down with your friend and tell them what is going on. If this person was your very close friend, you owe it to them to have a dialogue and give them a chance to respond, instead of emailing her or texting them. Be direct (but not mean) and don’t make lame excuses so they're left wondering what just happened. Choose someplace quiet and relatively private so they can react without embarrassment (there may be tears). The lunchroom is not the place for this discussion. It’s much too easy to misinterpret a letter or email, so try to talk to them in person or at least over the phone. Plus, there's always a chance they could show your private letter to other people. Try to be nice but stand firm. Don’t say, “Hey, you’ve turned into a jerk and our friendship is over.” Try something like, “Our friendship has become a really negative force in my life, and I think it’s best if we stop being friends.”
Allow them to react and respond. Your friend may have questions and grievances of their own. They may become defensive, yell, get angry, or cry. That’s okay—let them have those feelings (unless they become violent, in which case you should protect your own safety). Down the line, you’ll both feel better that you had an opportunity to say what you needed to say, even if it’s difficult in the moment. Your friend may feel terrible about how they acted and want to try to save the friendship. If you are willing, you two might be able to talk it out. If your friend tries to bait you into a fight, don’t do it. Don’t involve yourself in a big, dramatic scene. Even if they're calling you names, don’t retaliate. Stay with them until they're okay. Your friend may take this very hard, and you may need to stay by their side until they regain their composure enough to leave on their own.
Dealing with the Fallout
Don't gossip if people ask you what happened. People may notice that you two aren’t friends anymore and ask you what went down. It’s okay to say something non-specific, like “we just kind of drifted apart,” but don’t get into the details. Talking trash about your former friend is mean and immature, no matter what happened to cause the friendship to fall apart. If your friend gets nasty, spreading rumors or gossiping about you on social media, try not to engage. There’s no point in dragging things out or defending yourself to someone you don’t even want to be friends with anymore. But most importantly don't do the same to them. If you talk behind somebody's back, word will most definitely come out. If anything, it shows that you made the right decision.
Be polite and civil when you run into them. Things might be awkward for a while, and your friend may be angry or hurt, but treat them with kindness and respect. Remember that this is someone who was once your friend—maybe even your best friend—so honor what you had. Don’t do the look-of-death thing or straight-up ignore them. Just give them a small smile or nod of acknowledgment and move along. If they talk to you, turn it into a friendly conversation that won't lead into getting closer. Try to keep talks short until they catch on to your disinterest in the conversation.
Don’t get drawn into any drama if your mutual friends get upset. Ending one friendship may cause ripples if you’re part of the same group. Mutual friends may take sides, ask you to reconcile with them, or even get angry. Try not to get upset if some of your mutual friends feel they need to take sides. This may happen, and it’s going to hurt, but those people are petty and looking for drama, and you don’t need them in your life.
Assessing the Friendship
Think about whether or not you really want to cut this person out of your life. Ending a friendship can have a major impact on your life (and theirs), so don’t make a rash decision when you are angry. Instead, take a quiet moment to sit down and list the reasons you are friends with this person, and then list the things that you don't like about the friendship anymore. This will give you some insight on whether or not the friendship can be saved, or if you should end things. Clearly defining the reasons you want to end the relationship will help you feel confident in your decision and communicate clearly with your friend. It will help you experience closure, a sense that you did what was best for your wellbeing. Remember that growing apart from people is okay and natural—it doesn’t make either of you bad people.
Consider if you want to end the friendship over something that can be resolved, or if it’s because of a major shift of personalities. A simple misunderstanding may be the cause of the conflict; your friend might not even know that she’s done something to upset you. It’s also possible you both have just changed and don’t have much of a connection anymore—if you became friends in kindergarten and now you’re teenagers, you may have grown to like and value different things, and not be the most compatible people anymore. Are you considering ending the friendship because they forgot to attend an important event or because they said something rude about your significant other? Unless this is part of a larger pattern of behavior, letting them know they hurt you may be enough to fix your friendship. If you feel bored by the friendship or dread spending time with them, it may mean your connection has faded. If you find you have little in common—you struggle to find things to do together or even things to talk about—then the friendship may have simply run its course. Are they a compassionate, thoughtful friend who sometimes flakes out on your plans or is always late? Think about whether or not your issues are things you can address with them to save the friendship. Is your friend is socially anxious, shy, or inept? Do you perhaps see a pathway for being someone who can guide your friend through these troubles?
Look for signs that this is a toxic friendship. A toxic friendship is an unhealthy relationship in which you feel you are consistently being taken advantage of. If your friend insults you, gets jealous of your other friendships or makes you feel bad about yourself after you interact, it might be time to end the friendship. Do you only hear from them when they need something? Do they use you as a therapist but never return the favor, or ask you to do their homework assignments for them? Do they only focus on the negative things in life? Consider whether or not this is situational—maybe they're just having a rough patch. But if it’s a pattern of behavior, they might be an unhealthy person to be around. Are they extremely competitive? Do they tend to pick fights with you? Are they excessively clingy and too demanding? These are all signs of a toxic friendship. Are they doing things that get you into trouble? If your friend is stealing, hurting people, or generally being bad news, and you seem to get dragged into it, then it's probably not your destiny to "fix" things here. Look after your needs first in this instance. Think about how you feel after you spend time with them. If, more often than not, you end up feeling bad about yourself, it’s probably not a healthy relationship.
Give your friend a chance to change. If the good in your friendship outweighs the flaws, then try talking to him about the things that upset or hurt you. The problems may be easily fixable, and you may not need to end the friendship after all. Remember, no one is perfect, and there might be some ways in which you can learn to be a better friend, too. In a private setting, let your friend know their behavior is endangering your friendship. Tell them, “It really bothers me when you flirt with my significant other.” or “Hey, it’s really hard for me to hang out with you when you’re always really late. Can you make more of an effort to be on time?” Ending a friendship without giving the person an opportunity to change can be very traumatic. If this person is a good friend, it’s probably worth addressing the problems before you decide to cut the cord.
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