Building Your Confidence
Practice talking to the person. You can feel more confident standing up to the person if you practice what you are going to say and how you are going to say it. Think about what you are going to say. Write it down if you need to, so that you can get your wording just right. Practice what you want to say at home in the mirror, or even in the bathroom mirror at school, if you need to. For example, you might look in the mirror and say, “I am confident and I can stand up for myself.” You can also ask a friend of yours to practice with you. You could say, “Barbara, will you help me practice what I want to say to Emile?”
Act with confidence. Even if you don’t feel so confident, you can stand up to someone if you act like you are confident. Whenever you are around the person, act as if you are sure of yourself. Take a deep breath or two to calm yourself down. You’ll act more confidently if you’re calm and relaxed. Stand up straight, loosen your shoulders and push them back a bit. Relax your arms and hands. If you are carrying something, then just hold it — don’t grip it like your life depends on it. Hold your head up and look forward and around you when you are walking. Look people in the eyes when you talk to them. Nothing shows confidence more than a great smile. If it helps, think of something funny to make yourself smile. For example, when you are going into the lunchroom and you know someone you don't get along with is there, take a deep breath, hold up your head and smile as you walk through the doors.
Boost your self-esteem. When you feel good about yourself you will find it easier to stand up for yourself. So, make sure to do things that improve your self-image and your opinion of yourself. Use positive self-talk. Say things to yourself like, “I’m a great person. I am brave, smart, and people like me. Most important, I like me.” Make a list or a journal entry describing all the good things about you and the things that you can do. For example, you might write, “I’m caring, friendly, and I can play soccer, basketball, and football.”
Surround yourself with people that care about you. Being around your family and friends can give you the courage and support you need to stand up to bullies and advocate for yourself. They can help you feel good about yourself and help you figure out ways to deal with people you don't get along with. Talk to the people close to you about what is going on. Ask them for suggestions for dealing with it. You could say, “Can I talk to you about someone at school?” Spend time doing things that you enjoy like watching a movie or going for a bike ride. Doing things with people that care about you will improve your mood and self-esteem. If you don’t have time to get together in person, then make the time to call or video chat your friends and family.
Stay calm and in control when you talk. If you start yelling and screaming at the person, or get physically violent, you will be giving them the reaction they want. Instead, stand up to the person by talking to them in a calm, confident, controlled voice that lets them know you are serious. Look the person in the eyes and speak in a clear, assertive voice. You don’t have to sound mean, but you don’t want to sound scared either. For example, if someone calls you a rude name, don’t start yelling rude things back. Instead, look them in the eyes and stay calm. Try saying, “I’m tired of you bothering me at school. I don’t have time for it, so just leave me alone.” Or, you might try, “This is childish. I have better things to do than waste time with you, and I’m sure you do too.”
Keep your interactions short. The less time you spend around bullies or people you don't get along with, the less time they will have to say something to get on your nerves. You can stand up for yourself if you say what you need to say and then move on. Don’t give bullies time to say anything bad about you or give you a hard time. Act like you are busy or on the way somewhere when you see them. For example, a bully is coming into class when you are leaving and they say something rude, just say “Whatever” or ignore them and keep walking out of the door. If you feel threatened or like the situation is getting violent or out of hand, you should just leave. Go somewhere where other people are around or that you feel safe.
Reframe your thinking. Thinking of someone as your "enemy" makes things very black-or-white — it ignores that people are complicated and not simply "good" or "evil." Ask yourself — why do you consider this person an enemy? What have they done or who are they to you that makes them your enemy? Try to view them as people, the same as the you, and shake the good vs. bad label. When someone does something rude or mean, it can help you keep your cool and not take it personally to remember that they're just a person and they are probably taking something out on you. Developing empathy can help you ditch the black-or-white thinking. Empathy allows you to put yourself in someone else's shoes and try to understand their perspective. If, for example, a classmate is rude to you, instead of taking it personally and getting hurt or mad, you might think, "Our teacher yelled at him earlier today, and I could tell he was embarrassed. Now he's trying to take that out on me. This has to do with him feeling embarrassed and nothing to do with me."
Handling Frenemies and Rivals
Turn them into friends. There are some people at your school that you may pick on and make fun of as much as they pick on you and make fun of you. You might compete against each other, but you aren’t afraid of them. These people can be called frenemies (a mix of the words "friend" and "enemy"). You may want to change your thinking and your relationship to this person, turning your rivals into friends. Once you know what’s causing the conflict, you can try to resolve it and work on becoming friends. Tell the person you want to have a mature talk about the problems between you. Talk in private so other people don’t influence the conversation. For instance, you could say, “Denise, I want to talk to you after class about the rivalry between us without being mean to each other.” Talk about the problems between you and what you can do to solve them. You might say, “Why do you think we don't get along? I think it’s because we act so much alike. What can we do to get along or at least stop being mean to each other?”
Apologize if you need to. Sometimes the reason that you don't get along with someone is because you did something to them that upset them. It doesn’t matter who started it, you can be the better person by apologizing. In these cases, the best way to resolve this conflict is to say that you are sorry for what you did. Ask the person if you can talk alone. Try saying, “Eddie, can the two of us talk after school?” Be sincere and specific when you apologize. Don’t just say “Sorry,” actually say what you are apologizing for. For example, “I want to apologize for the rumor I started. It was really immature of me. I didn’t mean to hurt your feelings and I’m really sorry.”
Ignore them. In some cases, no matter what you do, you can’t become friends with a person. That's okay — you don't have to be friends with everyone. You can deal with this person by not giving them any attention at all. Ignoring them is more mature than arguing and being mean. Also, it's very easy to mess up a comeback. They want to get a reaction from you, so don't grant them your attention. During class, ignore whatever they say or do. Focus on your classwork or your friends. Don’t even give them a glance. Before and after school and between classes, keep your attention on getting where you are going or whatever you are doing. For example, if you see the person coming down the hall, just keep walking without even looking at them. Or, for instance, if you are in the lunchroom, keep talking to your friends, eating your lunch or whatever else you were doing.
Standing Up to Bullies
Tell an adult about bullying. Although you may not really like "frenemies," you are probably not afraid of them. They might do things that make you mad, but not that really hurt your feelings. A bully, on the other hand, picks on you and makes you feel bad about yourself, afraid, nervous, or anxious. You should stand up to a bully by letting an adult know what is going on. You might do the same things to your bully that they do to you. But if someone is bullying you, you may be too afraid to stand up to them at first. Bullies may purposely do things to humiliate or hurt you, even if it doesn’t benefit them at all. If you are being bullied, tell a teacher, counselor, or your parents what’s going on. They can help you stand up to the bully and get the bully to stop. You might say to your teacher, “Mr. Jordan, another student has been bullying me lately. Can we talk about it?” Or, you could say, “Mom, can I talk to you about someone that has been bullying me at school?”
Go places in a group. Bullies generally like to bother people when their victim is alone, so try to always keep someone with you. Not only will having someone with you help you stand up to your bully, it will also make it less likely the bully will do anything to retaliate. Ask a friend or someone else you trust to walk with you before school, after school, and in-between classes. You might say to your friend, “Hey, could you walk to class with me? Dylan’s been bullying me and I’ll feel better standing up to him if I have someone with me.” If you do find yourself alone with your bullies, try to quickly go somewhere where there are other people around.
Tell the bullies to stop. Telling them to stop then walking away from them lets your bullies know that you don’t like what they are doing and that you aren’t going to take it. But, it doesn’t give them anytime to respond or do anything back to you. When the bullies say something to you, simply look them in the eyes and say, “Stop,” then walk away. Or you could say, “Just leave me alone,” and then leave the classroom or the area.
Avoid a fight. You may want to get physical and fight back as a way to stand up to your bullies at school. But, this isn’t a good idea. Fighting can result in someone getting seriously injured or in serious trouble — you could get suspended or even expelled. If you must, then defend yourself enough to get away from your bullies. If you think the situation is going to turn violent or you feel threatened, then leave immediately. Go find an adult and tell them. If possible, call emergency services, like 911, if you think you are about to be physically hurt. If the situation is getting physical, you may need to use self-defense to protect yourself long enough to get away.
Standing Up for Yourself by Staying Healthy
Get enough sleep. It will be much easier for you to stand up for yourself if you are well rested. Lack of sleep can make you irritable, slow to react, and easily confused. So make sure that you are getting plenty of rest each night. Teenagers need between 9 and 9 ½ hours of sleep to be healthy. Make sure you go to bed at a time that allows you to get this much sleep. (Most teenagers only get about 7 hour of sleep each night.) Do things like taking a warm bath or shower, reading a book, or sipping some tea to get ready for bed. Turn off your phone and other electronic devices so that you can sleep without alarms and alerts waking you up.
Eat nutritious meals and snacks. It will be hard for you to stand up to someone if you feel hungry, tired, or just generally bad because you aren’t eating right. Taking care of your body and eating right is one way to make sure you feel good. Make sure you are eating enough fresh fruits and vegetables because they can give you energy. Drink plenty of water and avoid drinks with a lot of sugar or caffeine. Try to eat three to four meals a day and have small snacks in between. Make sure you are eating breakfast to start your day off right.
Participate in physical activities. Doing something active can help you stand up for yourself by improving your self esteem, giving you more energy, and making you healthier. It can also help you release any tension or stress that you might be feeling because of the situation. Join a team sport like basketball, soccer, or hockey so that you can spend time around positive people. Try something like martial arts, yoga, Zumba, or a self-defense class. Go for a walk, jog, hike, or swim to be active and give yourself time to clear your mind.
Learn to deal with stress. Being bullied or having trouble getting along with others can cause a lot of stress, which may make matters even worse. Learning healthy, productive ways to deal with stress can help in many ways — improving your health, your mindset, and may even help you stay calm in the face of conflict. Try deep breathing to calm yourself in the moment or when you feel anxious or stressed out. Make sure you are giving yourself enough time during the day to relax and do things you enjoy. Avoid over-scheduling yourself and that you have a few nights a week and time on the weekend to relax and just watch TV, play games, or do whatever you feel like. Try meditation. Remember that exercise is a great way to de-stress, too.
Make friends outside of school. Sometimes people feel like they just don't fit in with their classmates. Your school may feel like it's your entire world, but there are actually tons of people out there to befriend. See if your town or city offers clubs that draw from multiple schools, things like boy scouts or girl scouts, 4-H clubs, book clubs, or clubs based on hobbies (chess, programming, knitting, etc.). Check the YMCA for sports or activity clubs. Try taking art classes at community centers or studios. Reach out to people at your place of worship. Get involved in volunteering and meet others through service. If you like gaming and/or comic books, look for a gaming store that has events, such as trivia nights or times when people get together to play card games or board games. Get a part-time job if you are old enough.
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