How to Tell if You Are Self Absorbed

Determining If You're Self-Absorbed

Evaluate your conversations. Characteristics of self-absorption are most likely to become apparent as a result of interactions with others. If you begin to become more aware of the nature and development of conversations you have with others, you can get a sense for whether you are self-absorbed. After conversations with others, ask yourself some of the following questions: Who did most of the talking in the conversation? Who seemed to “steer” or dominate the discussion? Did you learn anything new about the person with whom you were talking? Did you ask any questions about the other person that were unrelated to your own life or experiences?

Rate your listening skills. Self-absorbed people tend to move the conversation back to themselves, instead of listening to and appreciating what others have to say. In fact, if you're self-absorbed you may not even appear to listen to anything someone else says. Think about whether you are a good listener who really engages with the other person rather than waiting for a break in the conversation so that you can steer the topic back to yourself. Ask yourself if you listened to what the other person was saying as well as how she was saying it. Did she tell you anything you didn’t know about her? Did you ask questions, nod, or acknowledge parts of what she said to draw out the conversation? If she was upset, did you notice? If so, how long did it take you to notice?

Be aware of your feelings after interactions with others. Does a conversation feel more like a competition? Did you feel like you were arm-wrestling for talking time, or having to interrupt or talk over the other person to be able to get your ideas out? Do you feel like you need your story to be more dramatic or powerful than someone else’s? These could be signs of self-absorption. Another sign you might be self-absorbed is that you're more focused on being right or winning an argument than understanding the other person's position or ideas. If you feel drained or exhausted after having a conversation, this may describe you, especially if you become moody or sulk if you feel as though you have not “won” a conversation.

Think about how much time you spend considering the feelings of others. One classic sign of a self-absorbed person is the inability to put yourself in someone else’s shoes. If you rarely think about how your friends or family are feeling, you may be self-absorbed. It’s okay to think about keeping yourself feeling happy and content, but others (especially loved ones) should never feel invisible or ignored by you. If you routinely upset people with your behavior and are pretty unaware of how you’re making people feel, then you may want to work on developing empathy and being less concerned with yourself.

Ask yourself whether you spend much of your social interactions wondering how you are perceived by others. Self-absorbed people tend to go into social interactions wanting to come off as interesting, charming, cute, or somehow exceptional. You might be self-absorbed if you’ve frequently found yourself walking away from a social interaction thinking that you did a great job of sounding smart, cool, or interesting without giving a second thought to the people you spoke to. Do you spend a lot of time rehashing what you said, remembering how many times you made people laugh, or thinking about which people in a social situation were clearly attracted to you? These are characteristics of self-absorption.

Evaluate the way you respond to constructive criticism or feedback. People who are self-absorbed tend to distrust or dismiss feedback from others. While it's generally a good idea not to let negative feedback get you down, letting negative feedback get to you can damage your work and personal relationships if you never listen to others or respect their opinions. Notice if one of your first responses to feedback is getting defensive or angry rather than attempting to understand another’s perspective.

Think about whether you often blame others when something goes wrong. If you forgot to pay the bills or a work project wasn't finished on time, do you automatically blame everyone else? If this is your natural reaction, you may be self-absorbed and truly believe that you are incapable of fault or making mistakes.

Consider generational differences. Research suggests that young people today are more self-absorbed than generations before. Millennials (those born between 1980 and 2000), came into a world of crises that have affected their lives in profound ways. What may appear as self-absorption may actually be their way of coping. However, this is an explanation, not an excuse. Caring about and loving others can be an even better way to cope, and can even help you find out who you are. Generational differences aside, no one wants to spend time with people who are so self-absorbed that they don’t care about anyone but themselves. Thinking and showing caring concern for others is learned behavior and it’s never too late to learn.

Letting Go of Self-Absorbed Behaviors

Stop wanting or expecting praise. People who are self-absorbed are usually waiting for people to compliment them. If you not only love compliments but live for them, then you may be self-absorbed. It's normal if you take a compliment as an unexpected delight or surprise, but feeling that you’re owed a compliment because you're so great is characteristic of self-absorption. Compliments should be happy “extras” that give you a boost, not expectations.

Be flexible about different ways of doing things. If you have trouble accepting other ways of doing things, you may believe that you are the only one that knows best. Whether you’re planning a project at work or organizing a dance at your school, if you think that you know exactly how to do things and hate it when other people take the reins, then you may need to work on becoming more flexible. You might hate not being able to take the credit for something or admitting that someone else was right, but doing so can help you become more open. For example, if you find yourself feeling angry, annoyed, or even livid that someone else is trying to do things a different way, even if it’s just a lab partner who has a new idea for a project, your ego may be getting in the way of your progress.

Let go of jealousy over others’ accomplishments. People who are self-absorbed may have trouble feeling happy for others who are receiving praise or recognition. If someone in your circle receives praise, whether it’s your sibling getting praise for a good grade or a co-worker for wrapping up an amazing project, then your natural reaction should be to feel happy for the person. If you find yourself feeling jealous, angry, or confused about why you’re not the one getting the credit, then you may need to work on becoming less self-absorbed.

See if you remember birthdays, milestones, or other important events in other people's lives. If you routinely forget birthdays, high school graduations, promotions, or other important events in your friends' lives, but still expect others to remember personal milestones, then it may be because you’re too focused on yourself. While we all get busy and miss the occasional milestone, consistently forgetting important events of your friends is a sign of self-absorption. Ask yourself about your organizational habits. If you forget these events and have trouble remembering daily appointments or meetings, you may just be generally disorganized. Or, if you have Attention Deficit Disorder or Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder, this forgetfulness can probably be attributed to the Disorder, not self-absorption.

Develop friendships with a variety of personalities. People who are self-absorbed don't like to hang out with other people who are outgoing, loud, or have lots of friends. They don’t like competing for attention and would prefer to be alone in the spotlight. People who are self-absorbed hate standing by someone who is better-looking or more interesting. They seek out people who are mild-mannered or shy to have as sidekicks so they can always steal the show. If you think you have this tendency, you should work on cultivating relationships with others who have a variety of personalities. It is good for you to spend time around people who are outgoing as well as more introverted, and you should be able to interact with many different people. This can be true for your relationships as well. If you hate dating people who tend to steal the spotlight, it may be because you hate having the attention taken away from yourself.

Be kinder to everyone. People who are self-absorbed tend to be rude to other people because they don’t think that they matter. If you’re curt with waitresses, flippant with people at work, or show up half an hour late to all of your dinner dates with your supposed best friend, you are sending a signal that these people don’t really deserve your time or attention. Even if that’s not your intent, it seems like you care more about yourself than others and makes you seem selfish. Self-absorbed people are horrified when they themselves are mistreated, but routinely give other people the cold shoulder without even recognizing the hypocrisy of their actions. Being aware of how you wish to be treated—and treating others the same way—can help smooth your social relationships and the way others perceive you.

Becoming More Caring

Develop awareness. Most of us are unaware that we are unaware of others and their feelings. You can become more aware by stepping back from your behavior and observing yourself. Once you become aware of your behavior, you can begin to make changes. To become more aware, begin by asking yourself the following questions after spending time with a friend: “What did I do make sure the conversation was not centered around me and my interests?” “What did I learn about my friend, her feelings, or her situation today?”

Start asking questions when you spend time with others. Asking questions of others shows that you are engaged in actively participating with another’s perspective. If talking to a friend or acquaintance, ask how she feels about the situation you are discussing. Ask how she accomplished a goal or completed a difficult task. People like to know that others care enough about them to find out how they handle situations in their lives. You may be surprised by how much people can open up with a few well-placed, open questions. In a work situation, you might try directly asking another person what she would do to complete a project. In this case, you should focus on listening to and caring about her suggestion, not pushing her to accept your own idea.

Apologize when you hurt someone. People who are self-absorbed usually don't care about hurting other people’s feelings, in part because they aren’t aware of others’ feelings. If you’re working on overcoming self-absorption, try putting yourself in another’s shoes and apologizing if you have done something that may have hurt her. Make your apologies genuine. It matters less what you say and more that you truly feel sorry and empathize with the other person’s feelings.If you’re new to apologizing or practicing empathy, your apology may be awkward; that’s okay. It will get easier as you have more experience, and the occasion for apology may lessen with time as well.

Be mindful when having a conversation. Take care not to interject your own experience before others are finished talking about their experiences. Listen to what is said by others, and try to enjoy and grow from conversations, even if you do not get the opportunity to contribute. You should have paid attention so well that you could repeat it back to them and be able to remember key phrases. These habits will let people know that you've heard them and respect them. It also helps if you're flexible when listening. Don't commit to a firm stance before a conversation. Instead, let yourself be convinced by another person's ideas or point of view. Try to pay enough attention so you can summarize someone’s story and explain how she felt about the circumstance.

Take a genuine interest in others.Start thinking and caring about your friends even when you are not with them. If someone you know is going through a challenging time, send her a message or do something nice for her to show that you’re thinking about her. Remember what your friends said the last time you talked. Follow up with questions or comments about what you talked about. Try doing little things that show you care. For example, pick up the phone to see how the person might be feeling. This will show them that you care about what's troubling or interesting them. Don't just tell someone that you are supportive or care about her. Show her that you do through your actions. This includes listening to her, but also going out of your way to value her opinions. For example, you might ask for her opinion about a big purchase you're considering. Asking for her advice will make her feel valued.

Do something for others. Take a break from thinking about yourself and do something for those who need your help. Consider volunteering at a local charity or food shelter. Practice doing things without expecting anything in return. This will develop your sense of empathy and concern for others. Make sure you're valuing your friendships for what they are and not what they'll get you. You need to stop using people or activities purely for your own gain.

Support good self-esteem, or self-love. The line between self-love and self-absorption is not an easy one to define. It is important to love and acknowledge yourself while making sure that you are noticed and heard by others. Self-esteem prevents others from disrespecting you or hurting your feelings, but this doesn't mean that you can harm others to your benefit. Self-love is all about balance. If you have compassion for yourself as well as others, then you are not self-absorbed.