What is sexual chemistry?
Sexual chemistry is what you feel when you're attracted to someone. You have physical attraction, which causes arousal, emotional attraction, which causes your heart to skip a beat, and mental attraction, which makes you feel nervous. When the mind, heart, and body are in alignment, people say they have sexual chemistry. It tends to fade relatively quickly, potentially to be replaced by feelings of love. When mutual sexual chemistry leads to consensual sex, you'll potentially enjoy a higher rate of happiness, improved sleep quality, and stress relief. Sexual chemistry also has some drawbacks. It can cloud your judgment and make you ignore red flags when you have intense chemistry with someone. Sometimes one person will feel chemistry and the other won't. At the extreme end of the spectrum, this could lead to stalking—but usually it's just an awkward and uncomfortable situation.
Signs of Sexual Chemistry
Nervousness You get tongue-tied and sweaty. You can't seem to string together a correct sentence whenever this person is around. You feel your heart racing and you're sweating profusely. These are all signs of nervousness, which typically happens when you feel sexual chemistry with someone. Dating coach Kristina Mirgorodskaya agrees that you can tell you have chemistry with someone if "you get butterflies in your stomach. You always feel happy and satisfied with yourself." Despite the fact that your nervousness makes you feel uncomfortable around the person, you'll still very much look forward to seeing them if you have strong sexual chemistry. Other physical symptoms that you're experiencing sexual chemistry include dilated pupils and flushed cheeks. You might feel like you've never blushed more easily than when you're around them!
Magnetic attraction You might feel as though you're literally being pulled to the person you're attracted to, but it can also be more subtle than that. You might find that your eyes are drawn to them as soon as they walk in the room or that you can sense when they're close by even if you can't see them yet. This feeling of attraction isn't something you can control or direct. This attraction can be even more noticeable when it's someone that you don't particularly like, or someone who doesn't seem to particularly like you. It can be very confusing to feel drawn to someone who you don't even enjoy being around.
Physical arousal Sexual chemistry often, but not always, comes along with some signs of physical arousal, such as erections or vaginal lubrication. When you have strong sexual chemistry, your body is essentially getting ready for sexual activity. But one thing to keep in mind about physical arousal is that you can get aroused around someone without them necessarily being the cause of that arousal. Studies show you're likely to be more attracted to someone if you believe that they have caused your arousal. But here's the funny thing: when you're really attracted to someone, you're also really likely to attribute your arousal to them, even if you actually became aroused for some other reason.
Obsessive thinking When you're this attracted to someone and feel sexual chemistry with them, you typically can't get them out of your head. It seems like every waking moment of the day you spend thinking or fantasizing about this person. Typically, you can't control these thoughts—you might even actively try to think about something else, only to find that your thoughts drift back to them. Is the other person feeling it too? Mirgorodskaya advises that if they are, they'll "pay a lot of attention to every detail and make sure that you're feeling happy with them." Licensed clinical psychologist Chloe Carmichael notes that one danger of this is that when you think about or fantasize about someone, you're "literally deluding yourself into feeling that you're actually with that person and spending time with that person," which can cause you to become attached to them too early.
Causes of Sexual Chemistry
Biological factors Generally speaking, people tend to be attracted to and have sexual chemistry with other people who resemble them in basic physical and mental ways. This isn't to say that you're going to be attracted to everyone with your eye and hair color, but some combination of these traits definitely plays a role. The attraction might be based on both physical and mental traits—for example, you might find that you tend to be attracted to people who have college degrees like you do because a degree indicates a similar level of intelligence. A lot of this attraction is subconscious, which means a person you're attracted to might share personality traits with you that you weren't even aware you had!
Social factors As with the biological factors that can trigger sexual chemistry, social factors are mainly focused on a degree of similarity. The more you have in common with a person, the more likely you are to have sexual chemistry with them. You'll weigh those commonalities in terms of your core values, so some things will be more meaningful to you than others. For example, if travel is one of your core values and you go on at least 3 or 4 international trips a year, you wouldn't likely be attracted to someone who's a homebody or afraid of flying. A mismatch of social factors can also trigger a "star-crossed lovers" sort of scenario—think Romeo and Juliet. Typically, you're talking about something that the two people in the relationship don't value very highly, but their families or communities do.
Past dynamics People often repeat past relationship dynamics with new relationships. Often, they'll be attracted to people who are similar to the person they had a previous relationship with. This could be a previous romantic or sexual relationship, but it could also be a family relationship. You might notice this in someone who always seems to fall for the same type of toxic person. They might even see the pattern for themselves, but they seem helpless to break it. This can have a positive effect as well. For example, if you had a healthy, wholesome relationship with your uncle, you might look for similar relationship dynamics with potential romantic or sexual partners.
Unresolved family or childhood trauma This doesn't necessarily mean that you were abused as a child—there are all sorts of traumatic events that can happen through your childhood and shape who you are and who you're attracted to. This has a primarily negative effect when you have traumatic experiences that you haven't acknowledged, processed, and healed from. For example, if your father shouted a lot, you might find that you have sexual chemistry with men who shout a lot. It can be really tough to get away from this, especially if you realize that you have chemistry with people who aren't good for you and shouldn't be in your life. It's totally normal to feel chemistry with someone who you don't even like. Just tell yourself that while you can't necessarily control the feelings that come up, you can control how you react to them.
Is sexual chemistry always immediate?
No, sexual chemistry can also develop over time. You might feel those sparks the first time that person brushes by you in a crowded hallway—but you can also develop attraction to someone after getting to know them a little better or after seeing them frequently. And sometimes, someone you've never looked at "that way" before can say or do something that triggers a sudden spark. Sexual chemistry also ebbs and flows in a relationship. If you're with someone for a long time, you might feel as though you've lost the "spark"—even though you still love your partner very much. Fortunately, there are many ways to rekindle that spark by increasing the intimacy and quality time you spend with your partner.
Is sexual chemistry necessary in a relationship?
No, but this depends on your sexuality and the relationship dynamic. People who identify as asexual experience sexual attraction rarely or never—but this doesn't mean that they're incapable of having loving, healthy relationships. You can have a happy relationship regardless of your sexual chemistry as long as you and your partner are on the same page. It's also totally normal for your sexuality and sexual needs to change over time or depending on other circumstances. So it's possible for you and your partner to start out on the same page and end up feeling very differently. Keep your sex drives in mind as well. For example, someone on the asexual spectrum might be happy with someone who naturally had a very low sex drive because chemistry wouldn't be as important to either of them. On the other hand, if you and your partner both have very high sex drives, sexual chemistry is going to be pretty important if not absolutely necessary in your relationship.
Cultivating Sexual Chemistry
Talk to your partner about common interests. Biologically and socially, you tend to have sexual chemistry with people you have a lot in common with. Sometimes in a relationship you get too caught up in your differences and forget to focus on your commonalities. The more similarities you have, the more sparks will fly. For example, if you and your partner both love the same band, you might listen to the band's latest album and discuss it together. Some of the most important commonalities typically relate to your core values, how you live your life, and what you want out of life in the future. Professional matchmaker and dating coach Lauren Sanders agrees that you should "see if you can establish common ground at all," noting that in relationships that go the distance, the partners "have common goals for the future. And that does help to increase their chemistry because they can see a future together."
Be emotionally vulnerable with your partner. When you're open and honest with your partner, you show that you trust them and feel safe with them. Couples tend to have stronger sexual chemistry when they trust each other to this extent. Clinical psychologist Susan Pazak agrees that being emotionally vulnerable is key. If you want to improve the chemistry in your relationship, be willing to "communicate your innermost thoughts, your craziest dreams and fantasies."
Show appreciation for your partner. If you've been with your partner for a while, you might've gotten out of the habit of telling them all of the things you appreciate about them. Start simple—thank them anytime they do something that makes your life a little easier. You'll feel that chemistry starting to build. For example, you might thank your partner because they took out the trash in the morning or because they cleaned the kitchen after you cooked. A simple "thank you" is all that's necessary for your partner to feel noticed and appreciated. Pazek encourages you to "release any negative thoughts, resentments, or unforgiveness toward your partner. Focus on all the things you love, adore, and respect about your partner." This also works in the other direction! Sanders notes that "if you're in the early stages of getting to know somebody... you can run them an errand, or cook a nice meal for them, or just do something that's, you know, thoughtful, that's a way you can help increase chemistry[.]"
Spend quality time with your partner. "Proximity" is one reason we develop attraction to people, so if you want to increase your sexual chemistry with your partner, make sure you're spending plenty of time together. But not just any time—quality time in which you focus on and engage with one another. Simply putting away your phones to have a conversation at dinner can be enough to boost your sexual chemistry a little. Sanders agrees that if you want to develop chemistry, you need to "spend good quality time with one another." Pazek suggests that you "communicate with your partner your desires to reignite the romance and move [back] into the honeymoon phase."
Just sexual chemistry or the real deal?
Do you look forward to meeting each other's friends and family? If this is love, the two of you are going to be really excited to integrate each other into your individual lives. You can't wait to meet your partner's friends and family and you're really excited for all of your friends and family to meet them as well. On the other hand, if it's just sexual chemistry and nothing more, you might not even care to get to know their friends or family. You might even be happy to keep your relationship completely private and separate. Similarly, going "public" with your relationship is a pretty good sign that you've got more than just strong sexual chemistry going on.
Do you both feel secure in your relationship with each other? When you're secure in your relationship, you don't worry that your partner is going to leave you as a result of the next disagreement or argument. The two of you have mutual respect for each other and are committed to working through any challenges. You understand that even healthy relationships have conflict and you don't try to avoid it. According to Carmichael, a lot of this relates to whether "you and your partner are on the same page regarding goals for the relationship." When you both have similar ideas for what you want out of a relationship, you feel comfortable getting closer. Sexual chemistry is a pretty volatile thing—if sexual chemistry is all you've got, it's not likely that you'll feel secure in the relationship. It's also likely the case that either of you would bail at the first sign of any trouble.
Are you interested in each other's lives outside of the bedroom? When you're a new "thing," it's totally normal for the two of you to spend most of your time exploring each other physically. But you've got to come up for air sometime! If you and your partner are equally interested in all the other things you've each got going on in your lives, that says you've got the potential to make it long-term. If sexual chemistry is all it is, you likely don't have any curiosity about what your partner does when they're not with you. It's possible you don't even know exactly what they do for a living or if they have any pets.
Do you frequently do things together that aren't sexually related? At least at first, you might've had a one-track mind. But if you've got more than just chemistry, chances are the two of you will be interested in doing all sorts of cool things together that have nothing to do with sex. Mirgorodskaya suggests that you'll know there's more than just chemistry if your partner "plans to spend their weekends with you and puts you first." Typically, if your relationship is blossoming into real love, you and your partner will want to spend as much time with each other as possible, regardless of what you're doing.
Do you feel comfortable being emotionally vulnerable with each other? When you're able to open up and bare your soul to your partner and know that you'll be safe with them, you also know you've got more than just sexual chemistry. If it was just infatuation, you wouldn't want your partner to know anything about you that might potentially paint you in a harsher light for them. It's easier to feel comfortable being vulnerable if you and your partner are both looking for the same things in a relationship. Carmichael notes that "it's hard for either person to feel secure and comfortable, to really open up and get vulnerable, because they know that... they're not on the same page."
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