How to Tell Someone You Are Bisexual

Having a Constructive Conversation

Decide whether or not to have a face to face talk. If you’re feeling nervous about talking to someone, you can choose another method of delivery. You could try writing a letter or e-mail instead. This can take a lot of the pressure off of you. Just make sure to start your letter by saying something like, “Please make sure you have some time to carefully read this before starting. I have something really important to tell you.” If you feel confident that you can have a constructive face to face conversation, go for it. One of the benefits of an in person talk is that you will be able to read the person’s reaction. Keep in mind that if you put your thoughts in writing, then you will not have control over it after you send it.

Find the right time and place. This is an important thing to tell someone, and it’s possible that it might become emotional. Choose a time when both of you will be able to have a thorough talk. Don’t approach someone when they are clearly busy or distracted. For example, don’t try to grab your mom as she is rushing out the door to work. Choose a place that feels right to you. If you feel more comfortable in a private place, try your living room or kitchen. If you have concerns that the talk might not go well, think about choosing a more public spot, like a coffee shop.

Start with the positives. If you present the topic as potentially negative, the listener is more likely to feel that it is bad news. Try starting your talk by saying something positive. This way you can set the tone for the type of conversation that you want to have. Say, “I have something important that I want to share with you. I’m feeling great about it, and I’m happy I can be honest with you.” Don’t say, “I have to tell you something that you might not want to hear.” This will make your parents feel upset and stressed.

Be clear and direct. Don’t take too long to get to your main point. Make sure that you clearly state your news at the beginning of the conversation. You could try saying, “Thanks for sitting down with me to talk. I wanted to let you know that I am bisexual.” Don’t hedge by saying, “I’m wondering if I’m bisexual,” or “I was wondering what you would think if I told you I was bisexual.” Make sure to let them know why it is important for you to tell them as well. For example, you might want them to know because you don’t want them to be surprised if they notice you dating someone of the same sex.

Allow time for them to process. The immediate response may be positive and supportive, but this is not always the case. The other person will likely need some time to process the news. If they’re quiet, don’t press them to have an immediate reaction. You could say, “I understand that you’re taken off guard. Do you want to take a few minutes to think about this?” You may need to tell some people more than one time before they fully understand. For example, if you tell your parents or friends, then they may experience some shock at first and need some time to process what you have told them. You may need to bring up it up again later and see if they have any questions.

Be prepared to answer questions. Some people aren’t exactly sure what it means to be bisexual. The person you’re telling might have some questions to ask you. If you feel comfortable doing so, give them honest answers. If you can explain a little bit about what it means to be bisexual, they might be more willing to listen. Questions such as “Are you sure?” and “Don’t you think this is a phase?” are very common. Explain that you are attracted to people who are male, female, and gender non-conforming. Tell them how this may affect them and their relationship with you.

Provide resources. It’s a good idea to arm yourself with as much information as you can. That way, you can offer resources to the person you’re telling. You could recommend checking out the website of your local LGBTQ center. You could also recommend the student support center at a university. For example, The University of Southern California has some great material online.

Choosing When to Come Out and Who to Tell First

Tell one person. You might be feeling really nervous to talk about being bisexual. That’s completely normal! Start small by choosing just one person to tell. You’ll be able to practice how to tell people, which will make you feel more comfortable. And once you tell one person, you’ll have a support system to lean on when you’re ready to tell others.

Pick your most supportive friend. A close friend can be a good person to start with. If you have several good friends, take some time to reflect on who is the most supportive. Maybe it is the person you turn to when you’re dealing with family drama. Or maybe it is the person who you know would never, ever repeat a secret. If you can’t think of a specific example of your friend being supportive, then it might be a good idea to keep moving through your list.

Choose an understanding family member. It might make you feel anxious to come out to your family. That makes sense because they’re likely a huge part of your life. But, for example, don’t feel like you have to come out to your parents first if you don’t think they will be supportive. If you’ve ever heard a family member make a negative comment about LGBTQ people, or make a judgmental remark about being bisexual, go outside of your immediate family and choose someone else to tell. You might consider coming out to an open minded aunt or cousin. If they are supportive of you, you can think about asking them to help you approach other family members.

Consider telling someone who is LGBTQ. Coming out as bisexual can feel daunting. You might be concerned that the other person won’t understand. Think about having this talk with another person who is LGBTQ. They’ll get what you're going through and will likely be a good source of support. It’s okay if you think you don’t know anyone else who is LGBTQ. You can get in touch with your local LGBTQ center and ask for support. You can also look for online groups in your area. They will likely organize social outings where you can meet people.

Feel comfortable with your sexuality. The first person you need to come out to is yourself. When you are figuring out your sexuality, make sure that you try to ignore stereotypes as much as you can. Your identity is about you, and not what you are supposed to feel, think, or do. If you are not comfortable talking about your sexuality, that’s okay. It’s probably a good idea to wait until you feel more confident to come out. Make sure it is your choice. Don’t feel pressured to come out. This is a personal decision and it can wait until you are ready. Get used to saying out loud to yourself, “I’m bisexual, and I’m completely comfortable with that.”

Consider the benefits of coming out. Take some time to write down why you want to come out. You could list pros such as having more genuine relationships and reducing the stress of keeping secrets. You might also look forward to becoming an active part of the LGBTQ community. Another benefit is that you might end up being a role model for someone else. If you can think of lots of benefits, you are probably ready to tell someone that you are bisexual.

Telling Your Parents, Partner, and Others

Talk to your partner. Tell your romantic partner clearly and directly what your bisexuality means to you. You could say, "I'm bisexual, which to me means that I'm romantically attracted to people regardless of gender." Make it clear whether this will change your relationship or not. You could say, "I want you to know that this doesn't change how I feel about you. I don't want to explore other relationships. This is an important part of who I am, though, so I wanted you to know." Listen to your partner and answer their questions honestly. Be patient with them. They might need time to process this information, and that's okay.

Come out to your parents. Find a good time to talk to your parents, and then be honest with them. You can say, "Mom, I'm bisexual. I've started dating a girl/I have a crush on a girl, so I wanted you to know that." Explain to them what being bisexual means to you, and that you have thought carefully about your sexuality. Your parents might indicate that they had already figured this out, or the conversation might get pretty emotional. Be prepared for your parents to react in these ways: Asking what they did wrong Crying or grieving Asking if you are sure Asking if you just need more attention

Think about whether or not you are dependent on that person. If you are a minor, you’re probably still living at home. Even if you’ve moved away to college, you might still be financially dependent on one or both parents. If you have any concerns that your parents might not be supportive, you might want to wait to tell them that you are bisexual. You don’t want to risk no longer having a place to live or losing out on help with your tuition (such as money for college). This is also something to consider if you live with your partner. Before telling them, you might want to take steps to make sure you are capable of being financially independent.

Tell someone at work. Before you tell anyone at work, check your employer's non-discrimination policy. Make sure that you are protected from workplace discrimination. Then, you can talk to your co-workers in the same way that you talk to a friend. You could say, "I just wanted to let you know that I'm bisexual. We've become work friends, and this is an important part of who I am, so I wanted to let you know." Don't feel like you have to come out at work. Only do so if you are pretty certain you will find support. Even if your workplace has a non-discrimination policy, you may want to consider the people who are your supervisors. Do they support these non-discrimination rules or have they given you reasons to think they don’t?

Talk to your doctor. It's essential that you are open with your doctor about your bisexuality. Bisexual women, in particular, often face health risks that are less common in cisgender straight people or lesbian women. Tell your doctor that you are bisexual and give any necessary details about your sexual history. Remember, they are not there to judge you. If your doctor seems confused or judgemental, it's time to look for a new doctor. They should be supportive.