- Sapiosexuality refers to people who are sexually attracted to highly intelligent people.
- Someone who is sapiosexual sees intelligence as the most important trait in a partner, and they can’t develop attraction without it.
- Sapiosexuality is a relatively new term that has been gaining popularity among both LGBTQIA+ and heterosexual people.
What does it mean to be sapiosexual?
Sapiosexuality means being attracted to people based on intelligence. Someone who is sapiosexual finds intellect more attractive and important than gender identity or biological sex. People who identify as sapiosexual can only develop an attraction to someone who stimulates their mind intellectually. The term “sapiosexual” is used by both people who identify as heterosexual and people who belong to the LGBTQIA+ community. Being sapiosexual is sometimes confused with being graysexual or demisexual, but all three are distinct terms. People who identify as graysexual experience sexual attraction infrequently or not very strongly. Hence, their sexual attraction is in the gray area between being asexual and sexual. People who identify as demisexual don’t feel sexual attraction to someone unless they already have a strong emotional bond with that person.
People argue whether sapiosexuality is a true sexual orientation. Some believe that sapiosexuality is a form of romantic preference or turn-on. Many argue that claiming sapiosexuality as a sexual orientation is a way to align oneself with LGBTQIA+ groups without being marginalized and discriminated against in the same way other members of that group are. Sapiosexuality is also criticized for being ableist and elitist. Critics argue that sapiosexuality leaves out people who are neurodivergent and people with learning disabilities. Others claim that those who identify as sapiosexual are only attracted to Western standards of intelligence, such as a high score on the IQ test or access to higher education.
How to Tell If You’re Sapiosexual
You prioritize intellect and intelligence when choosing a date. If you’re swiping through dating apps, you’ll be drawn toward people who show intelligence in their prompts (or maybe even have a bookstore as the background for their first photo). When meeting people in person, you will only be attracted to people once you have a good sense of their intelligence. But once you get a whiff of someone’s smarts, all bets are off, and it doesn’t matter if other people find them physically or sexually attractive.
You believe intelligence is sexier than physical turn-ons. While your friends might be drooling over someone’s body on Instagram, you can’t peel your eyes away from an engaging TED Talk. You feel more aroused after a stimulating conversation or engaging in an intellectual activity with someone.
Your ideal first date is at a bookstore or museum. You’re hesitant to go to a restaurant or bar on a first date. Rather, you want to go somewhere where you can be surrounded by and can discuss literature, art, and philosophy. You want to talk to your date about these topics and converse with someone you find intelligent.
You prefer having deep conversations. You enjoy intense, intellectually stimulating conversations about art, politics, or existential topics. You lose interest more quickly when discussing day-to-day or surface-level things.
You feel “seen” by the label of sapiosexual. Maybe you’ve always felt a bit outside the norm when you see people around you dating. Sapiosexuality might make you feel like there’s a word for how you’re attracted to and interact romantically with others—and being seen in that way is a wonderful feeling.
How Does Being Sapiosexual Affect Relationships?
Feelings may develop more slowly It takes longer to fully understand someone’s mind or intellect than to see and appreciate their physical appearance. Consequently, someone who is sapiosexual may take longer to fall in love or feel committed to a relationship.
Intellectual activities are a must In a relationship with someone who is sapiosexual, it’s important to engage in mentally stimulating activities. Having deep conversations, joining a book club, or learning a new skill together are all ways to bond with a sapiosexual partner. These intellectual activities might take up space in a relationship usually reserved for other forms of intimacy—but in the long run they will make for a stronger relationship with a sapiosexual.
Different turn-ons Everyone’s turn-ons are different, but a sapiosexual person’s turn-ons tend to be more mental than physical. While many people may be aroused by dirty talk or flirting physically, someone who is sapiosexual will need stimulating conversation to feel attraction.
Partner feeling pressure If one partner has communicated that they’re sapiosexual, the other person may feel pressure to be or appear smarter. This pressure is similar to non-sapiosexual couples who feel a need to maintain a certain look or physique to keep their partner interested. Remember that having a successful relationship depends on you being yourself—the right person for you will love you exactly how you are. You shouldn’t have to prove yourself to anyone via looks or brains!
Others not understanding the relationship People who identify with sapiosexuality might feel judged by others. Loved ones may ask offensive questions, whether intentional or not. Friends who prioritize conventional beauty in a partner may question why you’d date someone they don’t consider attractive (which is rude in any situation). The partner of a sapiosexual person may also feel rejected because their partner doesn’t focus on or compliment their body.
How to Meet Other Sapiosexual People
Seek out other sapiosexuals via intellectual events and activities. Dating as a sapiosexual person can be difficult. Still, there are many people out there who value intelligence and rich discussions—you just have to know how to find them. Spend time at the library. Frequent independent bookstores. Attend conventions that match your interests. Attend lectures at local universities, bookstores, or academic organizations. Take a class on an intellectually stimulating subject you’re interested in. Do your favorite things! By going to your favorite restaurant or participating in your favorite hobbies, you're likely to bump into like-minded people with the same interests. Ask your friends to set you up with intelligent people they know. Join online dating apps, especially ones that specifically cater to sapiosexual people like Sapio, OkCupid, and EliteSingle.
Tips for Dating a Sapiosexual
Date a sapiosexual by appealing to their intellectual side. Express and take an interest in their hobbies—plan dates to the library or bookstore. Plan outings where you discover a new cultural experience, like a restaurant, museum, or cultural dance performance. Take a class or learn a new skill together. Ask your partner what your favorite book is and why. Engage in friendly debates about topics they’re interested in. Talk to your partner about their profession and ask follow-up questions.
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