What to Do If Your Ex Seems Unaffected by Your Breakup

• If your ex seems fine after your break up, try to accept that they’re doing well, and shift your focus toward yourself.
• Practice self-care, connect with loved ones, and give yourself time and space to process your emotions.
• It’s impossible to know exactly why your ex seems unaffected by the breakup, but it may have to do with their emotional intelligence level or attachment style.

Why Your Ex Might Seem Unaffected After Your Breakup

They may struggle with emotional intelligence. Someone who lacks emotional intelligence (EQ) may not have the skills to connect with romantic partners on a deeper level. If your ex had a lower EQ, they might have kept things on a surface level, instead of allowing themselves to fully dive into the relationship. As a result, it may be easier for them to disconnect and move on.

They may have an avoidant attachment style. Those with avoidant attachment styles might be less comfortable with emotional intimacy. They tend to avoid relying on others, preferring instead to be independent and self-sufficient. They may also choose casual, short-term relationships over more serious partnerships. If your ex had an avoidant attachment style, they might seem completely fine after the breakup because they’re actually more comfortable being single. A deep emotional connection with you might have scared them or stressed them out, while being on their own comes more naturally.

They might only seem fine, but they’re hurting internally. If you’re not actually interacting with your ex, but you’re seeing their social media posts, you’re likely getting an inaccurate picture of how they’re doing. Remember, social media only shows you the things people want you to see—the highlights, the wins, the fun nights out, etc. Your ex may actually be just as upset as you are, but they aren’t sharing this side on social media. Whether or not their social media is accurate, the most important thing is to shift your focus to yourself, rather than worrying about what your ex is feeling. This is definitely tough, but it’s necessary to truly heal and move on. So resist the urge to check their Instagram, TikTok, or Snapchat. You got this!

How to Move On & Feel Better

Accept that they’re okay. You might want your ex to be as upset as you are, in order to show that the relationship meant as much to them as it did to you. This is totally natural, but it’s not necessarily productive. It’s important to accept the reality of the situation in order to move on, even if this means accepting the fact that your ex seems to be doing fine after the breakup. Keep in mind that your ex may be more upset than you realize. They may just be acting unaffected on the outside and processing their feelings internally. Regardless, the most important thing is to let go of your desire to know exactly what’s going on with them. Instead, try to shift your focus toward yourself. Rather than obsessing over what your ex might be thinking or feeling, check in with yourself and explore how you’re feeling. EXPERT TIP Amy Chan Amy Chan Relationship Coach Amy Chan is a Relationship Coach based in New York, New York. She is the Founder of Renew Breakup Bootcamp, a retreat that takes a scientific and spiritual approach to healing after the end of a relationship. She has over 12 years of experience helping clients work on their relationships with strategies rooted in the psychology and science of relationships and personal development. Her team of psychologists and coaches at Renew Breakup Bootcamp has helped hundreds of individuals in just 7 years of operation, and the Bootcamp has been featured on CNN, Vogue, the New York Times, and Fortune. Her book based on her work, Breakup Bootcamp, was published in 2020 and was featured by the New York Times. Amy Chan Amy Chan Relationship Coach Letting go is the only way to heal. Amy Chan, founder of Renew Breakup Bootcamp, says: "When you're hurting from a breakup, it can feel even worse when your ex appears to be doing just fine. It can be even more hurtful if they meet someone else. You have every right to feel hurt, sad, angry, and even resentful. But if you want to move forward, you have to focus your energy on yourself, and not on the person who hurt you."

Get some space from your ex. If it’s too hurtful to see your ex doing fine after your breakup, get some space from them. It’s usually necessary to take time apart after a breakup, even if you’re hoping to become friends eventually. This may mean not communicating or hanging out for a period of time, so that you can truly process and move on. Don’t call, text, or message your ex unless you have a legitimate reason. For example, calling because you have a child together is a legitimate reason. Calling because you saw your ex’s favorite car on the road isn’t. Try to resist the urge to look at your ex’s social media accounts. This constant reminder of your ex may make it harder for you to let go and heal. If you need to, consider blocking them or silencing notifications so you aren't tempted. EXPERT TIP Amy Chan Amy Chan Relationship Coach Amy Chan is a Relationship Coach based in New York, New York. She is the Founder of Renew Breakup Bootcamp, a retreat that takes a scientific and spiritual approach to healing after the end of a relationship. She has over 12 years of experience helping clients work on their relationships with strategies rooted in the psychology and science of relationships and personal development. Her team of psychologists and coaches at Renew Breakup Bootcamp has helped hundreds of individuals in just 7 years of operation, and the Bootcamp has been featured on CNN, Vogue, the New York Times, and Fortune. Her book based on her work, Breakup Bootcamp, was published in 2020 and was featured by the New York Times. Amy Chan Amy Chan Relationship Coach Avoiding contact can make it easier to heal. Amy Chan, founder of Renew Breakup Bootcamp, says: "Before you look at old photos or check your ex's Instagram, ask yourself, 'Am I being kind to myself right now?' You already know the answer. During the initial phase of separation, the more you can decrease your exposure to your ex, the easier it will be to move on."

Take steps to boost your self-esteem. Break-ups can do a number on your self-esteem, especially if your ex seems to be moving on quickly. It’s important to build yourself up and work on self-confidence during this difficult time. Remember, breakups happen to everyone, and they have nothing to do with how worthy and special you are! Make a list of the things you love about yourself, including your skills, personality traits, and physical appearance. Return to this list for a confidence boost when you're feeling down. Recite positive affirmations to build up your confidence. Here are some examples: “I’m worthy of love and respect, and the right person will recognize that.” “I have so many beautiful qualities to offer the world.” “I’m doing the best I can, and that is enough.”

Practice self-care. While you were in a relationship, you probably spent a lot of time thinking about your ex’s well-being. Now that you’re broken up, it can be super empowering to focus on your own mental and physical health. Sign up for a yoga class, start meditating, pick up that book you’ve been dying to read—whatever your heart desires. This will help you stop worrying about what your ex is doing and start thriving on your own. Try out mindfulness to promote your mental well-being and manage stress. Read books or listen to podcasts to learn new things and exercise your mind. Aim to get 6 – 8 hours of sleep each night, and consider implementing a relaxing nighttime routine to help you settle down and rest. Care for your body with a healthy, well-balanced diet. Try to avoid using alcohol, drugs, or less healthy foods to cope. Participate in a physical activity on a regular basis. Choose something you enjoy, whether that be jogging, cycling, swimming, dancing, or something else!

Focus on your hobbies and interests. During your relationship you may have stopped doing some of the things you love in order to make time for your partner. Now is the perfect time to restart all the hobbies you put on hold, and even explore some new interests. Filling your time with these activities is good for your well-being, and it will help you continue to shift your focus away from your ex. Make a list of activities and events that you would like to participate in. Pick one thing off of the list and get information on how to participate in the activity. Maybe you’ve always wanted to take a cooking class, learn to crochet, or try out rock climbing. If something sparks your curiosity or excites you, go for it!

Reconnect with family and friends. Spend time with the people in your life who mean the most to you. Breakups are tough, and it’s important to lean on your network for support. Surrounding yourself with trusted family members and friends will also remind you that you have so much love in your life, even if your ex is no longer a part of it. If you’re feeling too sad for elaborate plans, do something casual. Grab lunch or a coffee with a good friend, and just take time to catch up with each other. Try to spend time with people who have a positive, understanding mindset. They’ll be willing to lend a sympathetic ear and offer excellent advice to help you heal.

Express your feelings, rather than bottling them up. Breakups can cause a ton of difficult emotions, including sadness, anger, jealousy, and grief. Minimizing or denying these feelings only delays the healing process. Let yourself feel all your emotions, and talk things out with the people you trust. If you don’t feel comfortable opening up to friends or family about the breakup, consider talking to a therapist about the situation. If you know someone who has a therapist, ask them for a referral, or check out online directories to choose the right therapist for you. It can also be helpful to express your emotions through creative pursuits. For example, you could compose a song, write a poem, or paint a picture about how you’re feeling.

Reflect on what you learned from the relationship. Try to see the breakup as an opportunity to get to know yourself better and figure out what you want from a future relationship. Ask yourself what worked and what didn’t, and what you would do differently the next time around. Think about the qualities you're looking for in your next partner and picture what your ideal relationship would look like. Write your reflections down in a journal. Journaling is a cathartic practice that can help you organize your thoughts and process your emotions about the split.

Be patient with yourself. No matter how the relationship ended or how your ex seems to be handling it, dealing with a breakup takes time. Don’t be hard on yourself if the grieving process is taking a while. Instead, affirm and validate your feelings. They’re completely normal! Don’t compare your timeline to your ex’s, or to friends who have gone through breakups. Everyone’s healing process looks different, and it takes some people longer than others to move on. Be kind to yourself, and remember that there’s no deadline for moving on. You don’t have to rush!