When a Narcissist Loses Control: What to Expect and How to Get Control Back

• Someone who’s used to having control over you is likely to react negatively when they lose their power. They may lash out at you, go on a smear campaign, or purposefully ignore you.
• They may also lovebomb you to reel you back in. Their main goal is to get your attention, provoke a response, and regain power.
• To maintain your own power, go no contact with them or set strong boundaries to help ensure they treat you with respect.

What happens when a narcissistic person loses control?

They’ll likely lash out in anger. When you pull away, they may see it as an act of aggression. In response, they may fly into a rage. It’s totally unfair to you that they’re acting this way, so try not to take it personally. Protect yourself by keeping your distance from this person. They might yell or call you names. If they send you aggressive text messages, block them if you can. They’re just saying whatever they think will hurt you.

They may go on a smear campaign. Manipulative people often spread rumors and lies for entertainment or to gain control over others—even if they know the stories aren’t true. When they realize they can’t control you anymore, they’ll may decide to punish you by ruining your reputation or turning people against you. It can be really painful to deal with this kind of betrayal. If you’re experiencing this treatment, surround yourself with people who care about you so you have a good support system. Tell people your side of the story so they have both perspectives. They might not believe you right away, but people may eventually see through the toxic person’s lies.

They may lie about what happened and blame you. Many manipulative or abusive people struggle to accept responsibility for what they’ve done. Once they realize you’re done with them, they may tell everyone that you’re the one who messed up. They may even blame you for things they did. You can’t control what people think, but trust that the people who care about you will be there for you. For instance, this person might blame you for stealing credit for a work assignment, even though they’re the one who took your idea. They might claim that you make everything about you, when they’re the one who’s always making it about them.

They’ll probably try to trigger you. Controlling, manipulative people love to provoke an emotional response in you so they can make it look like you’re the one who blows up. They’ll lie to you, call you names, or set you up for disappointment, hoping that you’ll explode. They want you to yell or storm off, so don’t give them the satisfaction. Instead, count to 10, breathe deeply, or go to your happy place. They might ask you to meet at 2:00 p.m. but show up at 3:00 p.m. so you’ll be frustrated and upset. Similarly, they may tell you something they know will upset you, hoping you’ll boil over. When they do these things, they’ll usually stay calm so that it looks like your anger is unwarranted. In reality, they’ve pushed all of your buttons.

They might shower you with attention to get you back under control. While they may respond to their loss of control over you with lies or aggression, it’s also plausible they'll try to lure your back by love-bombing you. When they "love-bomb" you, they’ll shower you with compliments, idealize you, and focus all their attention on you. Just ignore their efforts to suck you back in because they’ll likely mistreat you again. If they try love-bombing you, they’ll suddenly be really nice to you. They may even say things like, “I really care about you,” or “I can’t imagine life without you. I’ll do anything to get you back.” They’ll usually stop trying to charm you after you go back to the way things were before..

They may try to humiliate you publicly. It’s common for controlling people to try to maintain control over others by embarrassing them. They may share your secrets with others or make cruel jokes at your expense. When you get upset, they may say something dismissive like, “I was just joking,” or “I’m only teasing.” Instead of getting upset, ask them to explain why the story or joke is funny to keep them on their toes. “I don’t get the joke. Why is that funny?” “Wow, I never saw that as a funny story. Why does it amuse you?”

They might try to ruin special moments, like holidays. A narcissistic family member, friend, or partner can wreak havoc on your special occasions. They may start fights, show up late, or spread gossip. They may even pretend to forget your birthday or refuse to give you your gift. If this happens, consider spending the holidays without them. Gather with your other friends or family members. Plan a special holiday or birthday trip for yourself or your friend group. Spend your birthday at a spa.

They may ignore you and pretend they don't care. If they crave attention and aren’t getting it, they may decide that pulling away from you is the best way to punish you. They may focus their attention on other people instead, and they may even give you the silent treatment if you try to talk to them. Try not to take their behavior to heart, and realize it’s a reflection on their poor self-worth. Deep down inside, they’re likely hurt that you’re taking back your control and are reacting this way to make you upset. Try not to let their antics get to you.

They might try to break your confidence. Controlling or abusive people usually don’t want to see you strong and independent. Because of this, they might increase their insults to make you feel bad. They may tell you that people are gossiping behind your back. You already know this person is toxic, so dismiss whatever they tell you because it’s probably not true. You might nod and say, “Thanks for the tip,” or “I hadn’t heard that.” Then, change the subject.

They could threaten you. Sometimes, a controlling person will resort to threats if they sense they’re losing their grip on you. You might not need to worry, but take their threats seriously and put your safety first. If this person is a family member or friend, limit or cut off your contact with them. Additionally, tell your other family and friends what’s going on, and notify the police if you think they might act on the threats. If this person is a partner, make a safety plan with your family and friends. Then, start taking steps to get out of the relationship. If they’re a coworker, talk to your supervisor or human resources representative about what’s going on. You might say, “I’m feeling unsafe because Alex sent me this disturbing text message,” or “I’m worried because Sami just threatened me.” They can help you stay safe at work.

They might resort to stalking you. In extreme instances, a controlling person may retaliate by following and harassing you. They may show up to your favorite places, or send you tons of texts, and leave you messages. They may even post your private information, including revealing photos, online. Report this type of behavior to the police immediately so you can keep yourself safe. They can advise you on the laws in your area.

How does a narcissistic person control you?

They may start by love-bombing you, but then they pull away. At first, they may shower you with attention and possibly even gifts. They’ll compliment you to make you feel wonderful. Once you get used to the high they give you, they’ll withdraw that affection. When this happens, you may do anything to get the love bombing back. In a relationship with a narcissistic person, the initial stage of idealization is very intense. They make you feel incredibly flattered, and convince you quite quickly that you are soulmates. They may say things like, “You're the most wonderful person I’ve ever met,” or “You’re the only one I’ve ever truly loved.” Anyone can fall for a narcissistic person because love bombing is so seductive.

They could lie and gaslight you. Narcissistic people may say anything to get what they want. They’ll often use lies to make you question yourself and your sanity, which is called gaslighting. By lying, they can draw you into their world and make you doubt your own thoughts. Once this happens, it’s easier for them to manipulate you. They might say things like, “That didn’t happen,” “No, what I said was this,” or “You’re overthinking things.” You shouldn’t feel bad about believing a narcissistic person’s lies because it can happen to anyone. They’re taking advantage of your good nature.

They’ll often belittle you to lower your confidence. They want to keep you coming back to them, and they want to feel like they’re superior to you. To achieve this, they might make fun of you, reveal “flaws” they’ve noticed in you, and call you names. They’re trying to make you feel like they’re the only person who will care about you, which is just not true. They might say things like, “This skirt really slims out your wide hips,” or “I don’t know why people think you’re annoying. I like you.” Reach out to your friends or family so they can remind you how amazing you are.

They could use guilt and shame to wear you down. A toxic person sees the goodness inside of you, and they want to exploit it. They’ll try to make you feel sorry for them so you’ll give them whatever they want. All of this is part of their game to keep you under their control. Try to remind yourself that you aren’t responsible for anyone else, especially not someone who’s using you. They may say, “You weren’t there for me when I needed you,” or “You made me cry last night.” You could respond with, “I’m sorry that happened.” Then, change the subject.

They might throw a tantrum when they don’t get what they want. You might feel like you’re dealing with a toddler when they're disappointed. They might call you names, accuse you of things you didn’t do, or claim that they’re having an emotional crisis. All of this is meant to make you shift into a defensive mode so you’ll give into them. Instead, offer them some quiet time to calm down. “I can see you’re really upset. I’m going to give you some space to work through your feelings.” “I understand how you feel. Let’s take a break so you can process this.”

Why are some people so controlling?

They see you as a character in their story. Self-absorbed people tend to live in their own world where they’re the star. Because of this, it feels natural for them to manage your life and emotions. They may struggle to see you as an independent person with your own hopes and dreams. Instead, they regard you as a “second class” person relative to themselves. When you take back your control, it’s a threat to this world they’ve created. That’s why they lash out so much.

They feel entitled. People who are very egotistical tend to think they’re special and deserve VIP treatment. They expect to get everything they want, so they’re shocked when someone tells them “no.” They may even expect you to know what they want, even when they don’t tell you.

They’re afraid of abandonment. While these types of people often seem confident, deep down inside they worry they aren’t good enough. They fear losing everyone, so they manipulate people to stay in control. None of this is your fault, but they may try to make you feel guilty. Ironically, their controlling behavior often pushes people away. It’s really sad, but that doesn’t mean you should sacrifice your own happiness for theirs.

How to Take Back Control

Go no-contact if you can. This person may change, but it’s unlikely, so protect yourself by cutting off all contact. Stop going to places you think you’ll run into them, and block them on your phone and social media accounts. If you stick to it, you’ll be able to quickly regain your independence from them. You may need to block mutual friends if they start to talk to you on this person’s behalf.

Use the "gray rock" method on people you can’t cut off. You may not be able to go no-contact with someone if you share kids with them, they’re a close relative, or you work together. In this case, using the gray rock technique may help: to gray rock, simply act really boring when they try to engage you in conversation; once they realize they can’t get a rise out of you, they’ll get bored and stop trying. Keep your interactions short. Keep your face neutral. Hold your arms at your sides. Stop sharing personal information. Only talk about required topics, like your kids, an upcoming holiday, or a work project.

Set boundaries. Your boundaries are your expectations for a relationship—what you will and won’t accept. Sit down with this person and tell them what you want them to stop doing, as well as what will happen if they violate your boundary. You can explain yourself if you want to, but remember that you don’t need a reason to ask for respect. You might set these boundaries: “If you call me names, I’m ending the conversation.” “I’ll only talk to you if you speak at a moderate volume.” “I’m going to end the meeting if you bring up my personal life.” “I only want to talk if it’s about the kids.”

Make your own decisions. Controlling people love to make choices for you, but they don’t have your best interests at heart. You don’t need approval from anyone but yourself. Do what makes you happy and decide what's right for you, because it’s your life. If they try to convince you otherwise, say, “This feels right to me,” or “I hear you, but I’m going to stick with my original decision.”