Life and Marriage are similar in many ways. For one, there are no guarantees in either. Second, there are no fixed rules for living a good life or a ‘making’ a good marriage that applies to all people. Then there’s the bit about both life and marriages throwing up surprises. Sometimes, nasty ones.
It started two weeks back with an email from a reader in the US and as one mulled over the contents a colleague announced, “Someone left a strange comment on one of the tech stories” and ‘pinged’ me the comment. It was disturbing.
“Hi, I am from Bangalore and have been in love with a girl from Mysore for the last two years. She is a Punjabi and her parents are forcefully trying to marry her off to another man. I spoke to her father about letting us marry; he has refused and threatens murder. She is ready to leave her family and marry me but we are scared: What if her father kills us?”
Even as one thought of possible suggestions for the distraught couple, a recently heartbroken friend called.
“My parents have found a boy for me. I have not met him yet but have said yes. The wedding might take place in the next two months. There is too much pressure. I am 26, how long can I delay the inevitable?” she asked. One told her that while there was nothing wrong with an arranged marriage – we have umpteen examples of highly successful, happy arranged marriages around – agreeing to marry someone she had not even met seemed a bit drastic. “After having taken most of my ‘life’ decisions myself – and things blowing up in my face – perhaps I should let my parents decide for me? Perhaps they will make a better decision than me… No?”
Two faces of the same coin: On one hand, a case where the girl is ready to marry according to her parents wishes, hoping that in their infinite, adult wisdom, they would make the ‘right’ choice. On the other hand, a couple is scared for their lives because eerily enough, it’s parents who want to kill them.
Before you read further, tell us what you think:
1. When it comes to finding marriage partners: Do parents make the best choice for us?
2. What would you do if your child chose someone you didn’t approve of?
3. If your parents oppose your choice of husband/wife, what would you do?
4. Do you think ‘honour killing’ is justified?
NEXT PAGE >>> They gave me life… But it’s MY life?
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“No matter how old you are, I will always be the mother and you will always be the child”, was a line my mother often used when we had our difference of opinions. More often than not, at least when one was technically still a child, Ma was right. Given ideal situations and not in cases where the parents are the predators, one cannot help but agree to the belief that when the world is against you, your parents are the biggest support you can find.
However, are parents ALWAYS right? Given that parents too are human beings, is there a chance they too could be wrong or make the wrong decision(s)… Particularly when it comes to choosing a life-mate?
Culturally and socially, we have been a nation with a close-knit family structure where parents play a large hand – and till much later in their children’s adult lives – in decision-making. From the subjects children choose in school, to the college they go to, who their friends are, to living arrangements, marriage and even when naming grandchildren, parents are/ have been an integral part of our decisions. Often when children – now adults – take decisions without consulting their parents, it is taken as an ‘insult’ or a sign of disregard.
“You don’t care for what we think,” is a line many an Indian parent will use when they find their adult-children taking independent decisions. This is not to say that parents are (necessarily) wrong. If parents see their 19-year-old daughter wanting to marry a jobless boy from her college, they have all rights – and ARE right – in stating what they think of the alliance and perhaps not extending their support. Love is not only blind but also regretful too in some situations. Having parental guidance is of utmost importance in certain scenarios.
However, it might not be such an open-and-shut case all the time… Like when it’s a question of inter-caste marriages. We have had parents killing their children – honour killing anyone? – because they married outside their caste. A number of criteria make a good, stable, happy marriage. Perhaps belonging to the same religion, community, caste or faith adds to a marriage. But does NOT belonging to the same religion, community, caste or faith take away from a marriage? Or reduce the chances of a happy marriage?
What if everything is suitable between two people and they belong to different castes? WHY should parents oppose such an alliance? What makes more sense: Parents forcing their children to marry within their caste where the children will be unhappy or parents supporting it when their children do make an earnest choice that will make them happy?
NEXT PAGE >>> I have made the right choice, but my parents won’t approve…
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The following is an email written by a not-so-young lady doing her PhD in the US.
“I am an Indian girl from the middle class family. My parents are highly educated and ours is a happy family. I’m currently doing my post graduation in one of top 20 universities in the US. My parents have also been liberal in giving us all the freedom we want, even told us we could choose our own partners provided s/he belongs to the same caste as ours. After coming to USA, I happened to meet someone whose interests totally match mine and am confident we can make a great life together. We are in the same field, he is also highly educated and is about to complete his PhD. We both hope to start our own research company once our education is over. His parents are also highly educated and support our alliance. However, since my parents have always had their stance on caste very clear, I don’t think they will agree. While I can support myself if I were to walk out and marry, I am worried about my parents: What will happen to them? They worked hard, educated us, it’s not fault of theirs that I have fallen for someone who is not from our caste. I love them so much and respect them a lot. Till now every thing in my life has gone well. But now I am scared of my parents. Even if they agree, our relatives and society – we are highly caste-oriented – will criticize my parents. Are parents wrong or their children wrong? And yet, I know I am doing nothing wrong.”
Indian Girl seems neither a flighty teenager nor immature. After careful consideration, she has taken a mature decision to marry a man she considers she will be happy with. While he meets all other criterion of being a desirable match for her, the only ‘glitch’ is that he is not of the same caste. Does that make him a bad match or a bad choice?
When parents oppose your choice of spouse, it is never an easy decision; and sometimes it is not possible to keep all parties happy. In such times, it is important to know and answer: Is your decision a sensible one and will you be happy? Often taking a decision based on personal happiness is deemed ‘selfish’, however one needs to remember that till the time you are not happy, you cannot make others happy. Will Indian Girl’s parents be happier if she were to marry someone from the same caste and spend an unhappy married life?
Indian Girl makes it clear in her email that she will be happy with the man she has chosen. Conversely, she might lead an unhappy life if she were to marry someone else. It is understandable that she also wants to keep her parents happy. Getting nervous will not help matters, clear conversation might. Perhaps her parents will come around, perhaps they won’t.
Since caste is the only ‘barrier’ here, one would suggest that Indian Girl should have an honest, heart-to-heart conversation with her parents and tell them clearly and politely that she sees her happiness with this man. As for “what society will think”: Will the same society stand by her and support her IF tomorrow she marries someone from her caste and is unhappy? It will not. However, since her parents love her and so does she, the right thing to do is explain her point of view, make them meet the boy and then ensure she does what she feels is RIGHT for herself and the man who loves her.
Do you agree with the story and the suggestion given? Send your advice/ suggestion for Indian Girl and thoughts on the feature. Got a relationship query, situation or feedback? Feel free to use the feedback form or email the author: [email protected]
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