'Why does she still talk to her ex-lover?'

Nisha and Gaurav have been friends for six years now and have been dating each other for the last two years. Gaurav had been in love with Nisha from the first time the two had spoken in college. However, with Nisha it had been a bit different.

When she had met Gaurav, Nisha had been in a tumultuous three-year relationship that had left her an emotional wreck. Her ex had been incapable of commitment and had been a serial womanizer. Even while Nisha's trust in relationships and her self-confidence had reached rock bottom, Gaurav stood by her. Once dumped, it took Nisha a year to get over the scars. Gradually, Gaurav's love and patience won and Nisha veered towards him.

The last two years had been bliss for the two: Gaurav got the girl he loved and having seen the uglier side of what a man can be, Nisha knew how good Gaurav was for her. All was well till one day Nisha received an email: Her ex was back in town, full of apologies and requested she meet him once.

Nisha asked Gaurav if he was okay with the idea; he didn't see anything amiss in her meeting the ex once. Nisha met her ex for coffee… That was three months back. Since then, the ex has been in touch with Nisha regularly – through emails, scrapbook messages, phone calls. Each time it happens, Nisha makes it a point to tell Gaurav.

Initially Gaurav let it pass and didn't think much of it. "I knew it was perhaps an ego trip for the ex, he probably was feeling sorry and stupid for letting her go," is what he says. But progressively it started disturbing him… "I trust her, she tells me each time he calls, I know she hasn't met him again, but… They had a very intense relationship. I could understand her meeting him once and closing the chapter, but this keeping-in-touch makes me nervous. They didn't part as friends, it was bitter, so why is she bothering now… Does she still have feelings for him?" he asks, puzzled.

Before you read the NEXT PAGE, let us know what YOU think of the situation:

1. Would you be comfortable with your partner being in regular touch with their ex-lover?

2. If you are in touch with your Ex – and your partner does not like it – what would you do?

3. Is Nisha being foolish, keeping in touch with a man who hurt her badly once?

4. Is Nisha really in love with Gaurav?

NEXT PAGE >>> When his/ her past is a part of your present

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In response to the earlier article – 'But I didn’t cheat on my husband' – there were two reader emails that raised questions about the same issue: Return of the ex. Am taking up one of the emails here (let’s call her Shweta).

“My boyfriend (Rishi) had a six-year long relationship with a girl in college. About two years ago they broke up. While he says he was not in love with her, he accepts to being “emotionally close” to her and says he “cannot hate her”. The two are still friends. Recently, on an out-of-town trip, the ex was also there (not planned) and the two of them ended up going to the same parties (their college friends’ circle is same). While I know that he will never hurt me – he repeatedly assures me and is very good with me – his talking to her bothers me as she calls almost everyday. I have read many articles on how the ex girlfriend – if your boyfriend is still friends with her – can always make a comeback. Am I right in feeling nervous or am I just being paranoid?”

In both the cases – that of Gaurav-Nisha and Shweta’s email – two commonalities stood out. One, both Gaurav and Shweta insist they trust their partners and two, the partner’s association with their ex bothers them. The question that arises: Is Gaurav and Shweta’s nervousness about their partners’ ex’s justified?

Letting go of the past might not always be an easy thing and not necessarily because of any residual romantic feelings. We spend a considerable amount of time with the other person; share our thoughts and mind space and invest our emotions. There are good-bad memories about most relationships and it’s natural for any human being to remember both. Not all relationships fail due to a bad break up or because the other was a “jerk”.

Sometimes people simply grow out of a relationship or realize that the person they are with is not meant for them. In such cases – more often than not – people remain friends. It is juvenile to assume that just because two people are not dating anymore, there will not be any common link between them or that they will be bitter about each other. One also needs to remember that there are no rules to dealing with the past and it differs from person to person. Some make a clean break from the past and would rather have nothing to do with their ex, while others are comfortable being friends.

Even when a past relationship ends in bitterness – say being dumped for another, long distance not working out due to a change in cities, parental disapproval etc – keeping the past out of the present could be tough due to practical reasons. You could end up meeting at a common friend’s wedding, end up going to the same restaurant/ club, bump into each other at a movie hall or even be on the same flight. It’s silly to think that someone can limit or remove all/ any chances of ever meeting the ex.

If two people came together for certain reasons – and parted amicably – chances are they will STILL share those common reasons or interests. Having said that, what the current person needs to remember is that there are bigger reasons why your partner and the ex are NOT together. It did NOT work out between them. You also need to trust the reasons WHY you are with them. If your relationship with your partner is strong, no ex (or many) can jeopardize it.

NEXT PAGE >>> I don’t care, it STILL bothers me!

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Having said that it is possible to remain friends with the ex, one cannot completely rule out emotional attachment – or more than friends feelings – a person (you or your partner) has for/ with the ex.

In Nisha’s case – three years of a mentally draining and dependent relationship – it seems the emotional letting-go has not happened. The relationship ended but the situation was unresolved as Nisha was left with an injured heart and a more injured self-respect. With her ex coming back and asking for forgiveness Nisha seems to be going through some sort of ego-justification: After being dumped, she feels good that the ex is ‘realising’ his mistake.

While Nisha might not necessarily harbour romantic feelings for the ex, she is endangering her current relationship with Gaurav who feels confused by her continued interaction with the ex. An honest chat about her reasons for talking to the ex and why it bothers Gaurav can perhaps help them. However, Nisha needs to realize that while interacting with her ex might be good for her ego, it’s not doing good for Gaurav’s ego and undermines his emotions.

In Shweta’s case, it seems more to do with her insecurities than Rishi doing anything wrong. Rishi and his ex parted with an understanding that they could not work out romantically, but respected each other and thus continued being friends. It bothers Shweta because perhaps she feels her importance in Rishi’s life is diminished.

Since Shweta says that Rishi “repeatedly assures her” and she trusts him, she needs to think and understand WHY she feels bothered about the ex. If it’s just because she does not like the idea of her boyfriend talking to another woman, she’s walking down a path to disappointment.

No one likes to think that their partner doesn’t trust them and with either constantly thinking that there is something happening or questioning Rishi, Shweta might just end up making her relationship a bitter one. However, IF Rishi’s ex does call him daily, Shweta is justified in feeling bothered.

Rishi also needs to understand that there is a thin line between being friends with your ex and maintaining the status quo with your current partner. While there is nothing wrong in catching up with the ex, it should not be at the expense of the current relationship. The current partner could feel worried if it appears that you share your ideas/ time/ thoughts more with the ex than with your partner. If his daily chats with the ex bothers Shweta, he needs to decide who/ what is more important and take a call.

To sum it up, we need to remember that keeping in touch or talking with an ex will not necessarily lead to anything. However, if the current partner/ you are bothered with the ex-interaction or importance the ex has in the present, it’s more prudent to salvage the present than muck it up, trying to hold on to the past.

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