- Soft ghosting, or slow fading, is when someone stops replying to your messages little by little.
- Breadcrumbing is when someone sends you just enough messages to get your hopes up, but not enough to progress the relationship.
- A haunting is when someone who ghosted you previously comes back into your life and tries to chat you up again.
Ghosting Terms
Classic ghosting Classic ghosting is when someone doesn’t respond to your messages or reach out ever again. They might do this in the middle of a conversation, or after you two have made plans to meet up. Instead of letting you down gently or explaining why they can’t chat anymore, they’ll simply vanish, never to be heard from again. Ghosting usually happens in the early stages of a relationship, like after a couple of dates. However, it can happen at any point, even after you’ve been in a relationship for a while.
Soft ghosting Soft ghosting, also called the slow fade, is a gradual drop in communication that turns into ghosting over time. When someone soft ghosts you, they might take hours to respond to your message, or stop initiating conversations. They might also “like” your messages instead of responding. Eventually, you won’t hear from them again. People usually use this tactic when they feel bad about ghosting someone. However, getting soft ghosted is still painful, and it can definitely hurt someone’s feelings. This is also sometimes referred to as “Caspering,” or the friendly way to ghost.
Breadcrumbing Breadcrumbing is when someone gives you just enough attention to get your hopes up, but not enough to make a real connection happen. They might text you every couple weeks, or like your posts on Insta just when you’ve forgotten about them. Breadcrumbers tend to reach out for attention, but they never have any actual intent of dating you or getting into a relationship with you. “Breadcrumbing” comes from the old fairytale Hansel and Gretel. Just like in the fairytale, that trail of breadcrumbs never leads anywhere.
Haunting What comes after ghosting? A haunting, that’s what. If you’ve ever had someone ghost you and then pop back into your life, you’ve experienced being haunted. Usually, the person who ghosted you will reach out via social media, liking your story or reacting to a post. It will probably be right when you’ve forgotten about them, too. Haunting is a little less intentional than breadcrumbing. When someone haunts you, they won’t send you a message or ask you out again. They’ll probably just keep lurking in the background, making their presence known every now and then.
Zombieing Zombieing is similar to haunting, but it happens even later after getting ghosted. A zombie might wait months (or even years!) before popping back up, sending you a quick text or reacting to your story on Instagram. They might try to convince you that they’ve changed or that it was all a misunderstanding, but you’ll know better.
Orbiting Orbiting happens when someone persistently lurks on your social media, reacting to your life updates and general musings. They don’t want to reach out or talk to you again, but they do want to stay up to date on what you’re doing. You’ll see them watching your Instagram stories, liking your posts, and just generally staying on your friends list until the end of time. Why do orbiters orbit? No one really knows! Maybe they’re nosy, or maybe they feel bad about ghosting you in the first place.
Submarining Have you ever been ghosted and then had someone reappear in your life, only to act as if nothing ever happened? That’s what submarining is. Instead of apologizing or even acknowledging the ghosting, they’ll text you or send you a message like you two are best buds. It’s called “submarining” because the person resurfaces completely without any hesitation (like a submarine).
Benching Have you ever played a team sport, only to be benched the entire game? That’s exactly what benching is—this person doesn’t want to cut you off completely, so they keep you on the sidelines. However, they want to put their feelers out there to see if there’s anyone else they might be able to date, too. They’ll give you just enough time and attention to keep you around, but not enough to actually satisfy you. When someone benches you, they’re likely dating (or at least talking to) other people.
Cushioning Cushioning is similar to benching, but it’s a little more “in your face.” When someone cushions you, they’ll talk to and flirt with other people, often right in front of you. This is because they want you to end the relationship with them so they don’t have to do any of the work. Someone who’s cushioning you will often act hot and cold, being super nice and involved one day and then very withdrawn and distant the next.
Marleying Jacob Marley is the ghost who visits Scrooge in A Christmas Carol, which is where this type of ghosting gets its name. Someone who is Marleying you will pop back up around the holidays in order to secure a boo during Christmas. But after New Year’s rolls around, they’ll likely go back to their ghosting ways.
Why do people ghost?
They’re scared of confrontation. A lot of times, the reason why people ghost others instead of having a conversation with them is because they don’t want to hurt anyone’s feelings. Instead of opening up and being honest about why they want to end things, they simply fade into the background so they don’t have to do any emotional labor. What many people who ghost don’t realize is that ghosting can be just as painful (if not moreso) as letting someone know you just aren’t into them.
They wanted a convenient way to stop talking. When you aren’t in a serious relationship or you’ve only been on a couple of dates, not replying to someone’s messages is an easy way to send a hint. If the relationship is fairly low-stakes, a ghoster might ghost simply because it’s easy and they’re ready to move on.
They are dating someone else. Unfortunately, some people ghost when they’ve found another person to talk to. In today’s modern dating world, people are often going out on dates with multiple people at the same time. If they found someone they made a real connection with, they may cut off contact with you to pursue another relationship. This is especially likely if you two haven’t defined the relationship yet.
They were offended or put off by something you said. This is less common, but sometimes, people will ghost because they felt offended by something you did. Maybe you made an off-color joke, or maybe you expressed an opinion they didn’t agree with. Instead of confronting you about it, it’s often easier just to fade away like a ghost.
Responding to Ghosting
Move on if you weren’t dating seriously. When someone ghosts you, it says more about them than it does about you. If the relationship wasn’t all that serious or you didn’t see a future with this person, it’s time to move onto someone who will stay in your life for good.
Send 1 final message if you’ve been dating for over a month. If the relationship was more serious (or at least headed that way), try reaching out one final time. Let them know that ghosting isn’t cool, and while you don’t necessarily want to continue the relationship, you’d like some closure. “Hey, I don’t know what happened or why you're not talking to me anymore, but I would really appreciate some closure. I feel like we had enough of a connection that warrants a conversation about why this isn't working out.”
Unfriend and block them if they try to pop back up. If you’re dealing with a haunting, a zombieing, or a submarining, don’t be fooled by their promises that they’ve changed. A ghoster is likely to ghost again, and they’re probably just reaching out because it’s convenient. Send them one final message if you want to tell them off, then let them go. Use responses like: “Sorry, new number. Who is this?” “Since you’re clearly not interested, I’m going to help you out by blocking you.” “I get that feelings change, but you could have been an adult and let me know.”
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