Being Loving and Present
Spend time together. This basic step is a building block for teaching a child to feel you value her as an individual. Find ways to spend special time alone with your child. This will foster respect and closeness, and allow you to learn more about what your child wants and needs. If you are a working mother who would like to become a stay at home mom in order to increase the amount of time you can spend with your child, spend some time figuring out your finances to create a plan that will allow you to do so. You can figure out the love language for your child. For example, they may like to hear kind words, receive gifts, like you to do things for them, or spend quality time with them. Show interest in the things that they find interesting. Activities you do with your child don't have to be complicated. Time spent together can be as simple as taking a walk, sharing a picnic snack, or going together to a favorite spot. Your child is more likely to approach you with their needs if they feel comfortable spending alone time with you.
Tell them you love them. Children need to be reassured that they are loved by the adults in their lives. This love should not be based in conditions. Remember that love is non-judgmental and unconditional. Sometimes children of divorced parents need additional confirmation that they still have their parents' love. While you may be proud of your child's achievements, make sure the child knows that you love them regardless of whether they bring home a perfect report card or not.
Have regular conversations. Talking to a child about daily activities allows them to know that you care about their life. Having conversations with an adult may also give the child a positive sense of maturity. Include a variety of questions to help support your conversation. Avoid rhetorical questions, which your child may not know how to interpret. Instead, use open-ended questions as often as possible, which will allow the child to know that you're interested in what they have to say. Open-ended questions usually start with Who, What, Where, When, Why, or How.
Encourage a child's conversation by using conversation extenders. Children may not have the skills to express themselves without some help. If you want a child to share her experience with you, help support her by asking questions like, "And then what happened?" or "Tell me more!" Inviting your child to continue to share about her experience will allow her to know you value her individual perspective. The conversation extenders will also model for her ways in which she can ask for more information with a peer, another adult, or to increase her ability to articular her own experience.
Validate their feelings. Treat their emotions as important, even if you don't understand or agree. This lets the child know that you think their perspective is important and worth listening to. Make it clear that it's okay for them to feel the way they do. You can validate their feelings while not doing what they want. For example, "I know you don't want to take a bath. It's lots of fun to play with dolls, and it's not fun to be told to stop. You need a bath because it's important to stay clean. You can choose the bath toys, and we can make lots of bubbles if you want."
Treating The Child With Respect
Show respect for the child. When you listen to your child share the story of their day, or provide special time together, you're showing your child you respect them. Don't rush them through their answers, or make them feel you're too busy for their attention. To teach your child they're valued, allow them to feel that you prioritize time spent with them. Allow your child to answer questions for themselves. Try to avoid "filling in the blanks" for your child in conversation. For example, don't answer a question for your child, such as "No, Jack won't like popcorn. He never likes popcorn!" Instead, turn to Jack and ask him, "Jack, your friend's mom wants to know if you want popcorn. Do you?" Refraining from profanity, and not speaking rudely are other elements of respect.
Respect the child's abilities. Doing things for your child that they can do for themselves is suggesting that you doubt their capabilities. Instead, make them feel that you value what they can do for themselves. For example, rather than putting a coat on a 3-year old, allow her to take the time to do it for themselves. Doing things for your child over time reinforce a sense of helplessness in the child's idea of themselves. Remember that there are cultural differences in typical ideas of child development, and be mindful of respecting these differences. For instance, some cultures teach the use of eating with silverware at a very young age, while others continue to eat with their hands.
Allow the child to learn from their mistakes. Teaching independence means to allow for a higher possibility of mistakes. This is a natural consequence of learning a new skill. Because young children are concrete thinkers, learning the natural consequences that follow an action is an important part of their learning development. Showing your child that you trust them to make their own choices, and to learn from their mistakes, emphasizes that you value their independence. Make sure that the consequences of their learning won't have overly detrimental affects on their physical or emotional safety. For example, if your nephew is just learning to look both ways before crossing the street, you'll obviously want to protect him from busy intersections. However, allowing him to practice independently looking both ways before crossing together with you is a good idea.
Give your children choices. Allowing for your child to have genuine choices is an important part of letting them know you value their preferences. The choices you provide should all be equally valid choices—that is, don't present choices that are impossible to meet, or which you're sure the child won't select. Instead, present a range of options whenever possible. You don't want to overwhelm your child with choices. Choosing from 2-3 options is generally enough. For example, "Do you want corn or sweet potatoes with your ham?" Providing choices that you wouldn't choose yourself encourages independence in your child.
Apologize for your mistakes. Apologizing to kids shows them the importance of accountability. It also lets you reaffirm that you mean well and you care how they feel. If you mess up, admit it to them and try to do better. Here are some examples of good apologies: "I'm sorry for yelling. I felt frustrated and I did not handle it well. I never want to be scary to you." "I'm sorry I wasn't listening when you were trying to tell me you felt overwhelmed in the store. I don't blame you for crying. You tried to tell me you needed a break and I should have paid attention." "I'm sorry I didn't get to read to you before bed last night. I know how important that special time is to you. It's important to me too and I'm sad I missed out. Would you like extra bedtime reading time tonight?"
Respect their quirks and individuality. Your child is not a blank slate; they are a unique person with their own traits. You can teach your child, but don't try to change them. Instead, let them be who they are. For example, if your son dislikes organized sports, don't force him into one. Instead, let him choose a way to exercise that he enjoys. Or if your little sister is autistic, don't tell her to hide her disability in public, and let her be herself.
Being a Good Role Model
Model the attitude and habits you want the child to have. "Do what I say, not what I do" is a terrible way to help a child. Instead, lead by example. You're showing the kid how they should behave in life. Pay attention to their struggles and model how to handle that well. For example, if the child is perfectionistic, model accepting self-talk out loud when you make a mistake and let them see you handle it gracefully.
Be consistent. Being consistent means that the expectations and rules that are set should be the same from day to day, and place to place. Consistency gives a child a sense of well-being, safety, and security. It teaches a child accountability for their actions, and helps provide a safe boundary for exploration. If you're inconsistent, you're giving a child the information that their needs are not important to you. Having regular daily routines at home will help provide a better sense of security for your child. If these routines are based in your child's needs, they'll better understand that they are valued.
Try to spend quality time with your child every day. It helps to get into a routine (for example, taking a half hour walk every day after your child comes home from school). This can help ensure that you spend time with them. Set aside blocks of time where you can be with your child. If you're really busy one day and don't spend much time with them, make up for it by spending more time with them on a later day.
Show that you value your own well-being. Modeling self-care for a child is an important aspect of teaching a child what it means to be valued. Taking care of your health, hygiene, psychological and emotional needs are all part of what it means to care for your own well-being. Don't remain in situations where you're abused, neglected or mistreated. Take time for yourself when you need it. You don't have to be constantly available at the whims of your child. If you really need some quiet time, say so, and set up the child with something they can do independently. If you need help understanding more about self-care, ask for help from a friend or professional.
Set appropriate rules and boundaries. For a child to feel valued, they must also feel safe. Safety comes from adults having good, healthy boundaries. The adult is responsible for providing structure and support. This doesn't mean that you can't have fun with your child. However, you must be prepared to interrupt a fun game in order to ensure that the child's safety needs are met. Consider your child's individual personality. Some children need more structure to feel safe than other children. It's important to meet the needs of your particular child.
Be there for them when they're struggling. If your child is upset, respond with empathy and patience, not judgment. Ask what's wrong, and work together on brainstorming ways to make things better. Be gentle and firm about rules. For example, "I know you want the purple car. The rule we set is that you can pick out one toy, and you already chose the pink car. It's your choice which car you get." You can empathize with the child while still expecting them to adhere to the rules.
Focus on fixing negative behavior, rather than saying the child is bad. Let your child know that even if their behavior is unacceptable in a given situation, you still care about and love them no matter what. Everyone makes mistakes, wrong decisions, and errors in judgment. If your child is learning that they're valued, they'll be learning to make this distinction as well. Reminding them that they will have other opportunities to make better choices is one way of encouraging them to learn. If your child repeatedly engages in the same negative behavior, consider what response you are providing. If you tend to engage more frequently with your child regarding negative behaviors, they may be acting out in search of your attention.
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