How to Be Genuine

Peeling Back the Layers

Spend some time self-indulgently thinking about who you really are. Not the façade you put on before you walk into any given group of people, not even the image you give your family, or your closest friends. Get alone and meditate on you. Who are you when you're alone? If it sparks your interest, try meditating. It can reduce your stress levels to enable better mental clarity. This may enable you to see yourself in a clearer manner.

Let go of what society says is acceptable. Everyday we see images of what is "okay." It changes constantly (which proves it doesn't really exist). To be you, you must give up trying to live up to some non-existent standard. There's no more being a prep or a jock or a hipster and there's just being. Labels are the way society defines us. There's no more carrying that Coach purse because it says "Coach" on it. You need a better reason than that! Throw away your aspirations of fitting into any select group, clique, or social class. If the genuine you is what they are looking for, they will come calling later, when you have established your true identity.

Make a list of truths about yourself. Unfortunately, in today's world we're so bombarded with what society expects of us that sometimes we don't even know who we are. We spend years (sometimes decades, sometimes entire lifetimes) molding ourselves to fit someone else's idea of who we should be, burying who we really are under layers of fluff and masks. Take a minute to write down what actually feels like you. It can be things you do, things you are, or things you think -- it could be anything, so long as it's true. When you have a list of a dozen or so things (as simple as "I am happier in flip flops" or "I seek adventure above all else"), post it somewhere you'll run into it often. Then, when you go to make a comment or when you're reviewing your day, you can see if your behavior is in line with you who really are. Odds are you'll come up with some things you do/say/think that aren't true to you.

Think about your own family history and culture. We may not always like where we come from, but there is no escaping the influence our history has on who and what we are. Many people spend a lot of time and effort escaping their past, such as changing the spelling of their names to sound more politically correct, or giving other people too much power to reshape them culturally. Where do you come from? After all, your parents shaped you greatly and your grandparents shaped them. Think about the following: Your upbringing. What do you remember most vividly about it? How was it different than most people's? Your location. How did that shape you? What hobbies and personality traits do you have because of it? Your likes and dislikes. How many of them are shared with your family? How many do you have because of your family?

Fire your toxic friends. It's a natural human inclination to strive to be surrounded by people...even when those people drain us. But to really be genuine, to rediscover a you that is happy and natural, those people that leave you exhausted after interacting with them have to be cut out. That's all there is to it. Give yourself thirty seconds to think about it and you'll know exactly who they are. There are people in the world that just aren't good for us. It's hard to cut them out, especially when we feel like we're being cruel. But it's important not to view this behavior as selfish. Sure, it's in your best interest -- but if you don't act in your best interest, no one will. You're not being selfish, you're being logical. Forget all the hyped up latest trends unless they fit the genuine you. They last a matter of months -- why would you want to cycle through identities that quickly? Look at your own style and preferences. If a T-shirt and jeans are you, fanfrickin'tastic.

Quit the games now. It's easy to think we're honest and sincere -- but in order to function tactfully and appropriately with others, it seems like we've inserted mind games into everyday interactions. That little white lie we tell Gina about how people actually like her, how we hint at asking for something from a friend because we think it's bad manners to ask for too many favors, etc. We're not being us -- we're being who people think we should be. Gotta cut that out. The two main sticklers are people-pleasing and avoidance. If you find yourself sacrificing your happiness to please others, that first one describes you. And if you avoid saying or doing things simply because they'd be frowned upon or they might be potentially embarrassing, that's the second. Those little voices inside our heads stopping us aren't us -- they're a part of us that's very much so taught and inorganic.

Rediscovering Your True Self

Decide what it means to be "genuine." This may not be as easy as it seems, considering the immense influence the media has on us all. Sure, we are all unique individuals, but few, if any, people have absolute resistance to the persuasive influence of advertisers, the media, and peer pressure to conform. Because it's so difficult, decide what genuine means to you. The beauty of it is that you get to choose. Does being genuine mean pursuing your own fashion? Does it mean saying whatever crosses your mind? Does it mean showing your emotions, whatever they are? Does it mean ignoring what's popular? There are many takes on this concept -- what speaks to you? Studies show that genuineness is one of the most attractive traits you can have.

Spend time with those who charge you up. If you've gotten rid of your toxic friends (we all have 'em), this shouldn't be too hard. Who do you crave hanging out with? Who always makes you feel good about yourself? And then think about this: who is the person you are afterward? We all have versions of ourselves. Some are "worse" than others, as they can't all be the same. The idea here is to bring out the best you and to make that "best you" a constant. And the best you is naturally genuine, obviously. If you'd really like to be more genuine, try spending time with people who have less than you.

Wake up! You know the phrase "stop and smell the roses?" Kinda like that. Tons of us go around in a technology-induced stupor, barely doing the thing we call living. We're unaware of how we come off, how we actually feel, how we influence others, etc. So wake up! Pay attention the world around you. Stop right now and look around your environment. Note 4 things you didn't notice before. Crazy how your mind just sifts out stimuli, huh? There's so much going on in our heads sometimes it's hard to realize we're playing those games we talked about, especially when we've been playing them since we were babies. If it would help, start watching other people. How are they placating others? How do they phrase things? How do they position their bodies? Once you notice other people not saying and doing what they mean/want, you can notice similar patterns in yourself, waking yourself up.

Get vulnerable. When you abandon the mind games and socially acceptable behavior, you're bound to feel vulnerable. You'll no longer be employing those same defense mechanisms that kept you so comfortable before. Scary stuff, man. But when you feel vulnerable, know that it's a good thing and that it will go away. You just gotta get used to being honest and showing how you really feel. There is a time and a place for everything. If you're sitting in chemistry class and you get a text from your mom yelling at you and you feel like crying, it's definitely best to hold back the tears and finish the test. Know your priorities here. If Jenn said something that upset you, don't start chewing her out if you're upset. Being vulnerable doesn't mean jumping to conclusions! It's still important to employ a level of rationality.

Be honest. This one's a tough one. Obviously to be genuine you have to be honest, but how do you stay honest without causing others pain? For example, doctors are instructed not to berate obese patients for their weight, and take a more respectful approach to health.You can strike a balance of honesty and compassion. Let's take the classic example of, "Do I look fat in this?" Instead of outright saying, "Yep. You do," try something like, "I don't like the way it tugs at your waist." You're still being honest (it's not a good look), but you're placing the focus on the outfit instead of on the person. If you're going to criticize someone's actions, compliment them also, so they don't think you're hating on them personally. For example, "I'm surprised that a thoughtful and educated person like you would say something so antagonistic towards Muslims."

Know your impact. It's easy to walk around the world not realizing how even the tiniest mood we have can have repercussions. A friend is going through a hard time when we're super busy and we sort of give them the brush-off. We flirt with someone in front of a person who has a crush on us. To the same token, your genuineness will be impactful on those around you. If you use your powers for good, you can start a positive ripple effect all over the place. You know that person who walks into the room and it lights up? How their passion and being just seem contagious? That's being genuine. That's 100% them. That stuff is powerful. Your impact can be the same.

Look how you want to look. Let's set up the scene: The apocalypse has happened. Everyone you know is gone. You take refuge in a city that has been abandoned, able to do whatever you please. Literally every door is open to you. Now, where do you do your shopping? What do you look like when you look in the mirror? That's the real you (minus the angst and the gun-wielding). Some people take pride in thinking they're pretty. They like make-up, they like doing their hair, they like nice clothes. That's fine. Others don't. That's also fine. If you want to wear overalls and not comb your hair, more power to you. If you want to carry that Coach purse and buy expensive make-up, more power to you. Just make sure you're doing it for yourself.

Interacting with Others

Get real. So many of us are busy self-presenting—conveying the image we want to convey instead of who we actually are. We make sure we come off as macho or ladylike or intellectual or anti-conformist. Drop it! Put your true self out there. If you feel something, feel it. Most of us are guilty of trying to look "cool." That's not genuine. If you spent the afternoon playing bridge with Grandma, talk about how you spent the afternoon playing bridge with Grandma. You've nothing to hide. That's just exhausting work anyway.

Connect with one person at a time. When you're speaking in front of a large group of people, it's tempting to scan the audience, glazing over the entire surface. And lots do. But a better way is to make eye contact with one person at a time, drawing them in fully. Imagine Barack Obama locking eyes with you! Dang. He sees you. He's real. Instead of robotically going over the motions, he's actually making direct contact. The same sentiment should be applied to your life. The next time you're in a group of people, concentrate on one at a time. You can't fully appreciate a person and extend your true self when you're trying to accommodate more than one person. Not only will you be able to be genuine, but that other person will be left spellbound by your social skills. Work on becoming a good listener and validating people's feelings. These skills can help you connect with people in a more genuine way.

Say what you mean and mean what you say. Flattering, gossiping, or otherwise saying something just to fit in is as disingenuous as it gets. We're all guilty of this at one time or another, even if we have good intentions (we don't want to embarrass ourselves, etc.). The only thing you can do is be aware of your desires and behaviors and address them as honestly as you possibly can. There are going to be haters. Some people will be put off by your honesty and your tell-it-like-it-is mentality. As long as you're not cruel about it, it's their beef to have. Most people, hopefully, will appreciate your candor. Few people are ballsy enough to get real.

Smile when the smile is natural. Don't paste on a camouflage smile to fit a situation. The same goes for the whole range of emotions; if you are going to show the world the real you, the world should see all of it. That way, when you do, it'll matter that much more. The same broad sentiment applies to activities. If you don't want to do it, don't do it! If you don't feel like drinking, don't drink. If you don't want to spend a night in the club, don't. If you'd rather do something the group isn't feeling, so be it. There are better ways to spend your time, be it alone or with a different group of friends.

Lose the power pose. It's tempting, in talking to others, to assert our power, be it verbally or through our body language. We square our shoulders, close off our bodies, and make people come to us. Drop the act. That's another one of those games. There can't be any concern for our image or our pride when we're aiming to be genuine. When you meet someone, be warm. They're not a threat to you unless they have a gun pointed at your head. And if that's the case, square shoulders won't get you anywhere. Displaying confidence is a good thing. However, there's a line between confidence that's natural and confidence that's a display. If you feel completely relaxed, your confidence is right where it should be.

Don't make it a contest. There's no need to bust out the tape measure when you're talking to someone. When someone starts dropping names, don't bite. This is a game they're playing that's disingenuous and a total indicator of their low self-worth. Shame. Resist the urge to one up them with your story on how you chilled with Snoop Lion at the bus stop. Unfortunately, plenty of us are guilty of trying to make ourselves look good when we meet people. We absolutely bomb by coming off as full of ourselves or trying too hard or being a bit of a braggart by displaying our achievements. That's not exactly how interaction works. The next time someone says, "Yeah, I just got a sweet promotion," just congratulate them and move on. That's all you need do.

Don't force it. Sometimes there are people that we just don't jive with. That we're incapable of really being genuine with because interacting with them just seems...fake. If you run into this situation, don't force it. That person may not be meant to be in your life right now, and that's fine. Maybe later, maybe never, but definitely not right now.

Give genuine compliments. If you were to die tomorrow, odds are you'd have some sort of regret that you didn't tell someone how much you cared about them. It'd be a shame to live like that, so lose the restraint! Let people know how much you appreciate them. You'll get it back in return too! If you find yourself giving out fake compliments to get conversation going or asking for things for a different purpose than actually needing those things, those are clues that your behavior isn't genuine. Give it time. It's possible you may need to get a feel for the other person first.

Reflect on you. Now that you've spent some time rewiring your actions with people and the world at large, take a moment to reflect on it. What do you struggle with? What can you see is already changing? Think about a couple times you were genuine today and a couple of times you could've improved. What can you aim for tomorrow? If it would help, make a list of people you consider genuine. Sometimes it's hard to see our behavior for what it actually is—it's a lot easier to emulate someone else! Look in the mirror at the beginning of every day. Consider that this is what every one who looks at you will see, then resolve to let them see you as you really are. When you get it, it'll be totally freeing and feel like you're home.

Recognize when you need to be more tactful. Sometimes, bluntness can hurt. Recognize that some people are a little more fragile than others, so handle their feelings with care. Make it clear that even if they did something wrong, you still appreciate them and think they're great. When in doubt, err on the side of kindness. Kind words can be genuine. For example, "Yeah, I'm disappointed that our plans fell through, because I was looking forward to them. But I'm not mad at you, and I hope we can still enjoy our evening together."