How to Convince a Reluctant Relative to Visit a Doctor

Having the Conversation

Don’t wait until a crisis. The worst thing you can do is try to convince them to see a doctor when their health is in dire jeopardy. If you do this, the decision may be made hastily and may not include your relative’s best interests. Instead, start having the conversation early on. For example, a teenage relative becomes pregnant, but doesn’t trust that the doctor will respect her privacy. She may fear they will tell her partner or her parents about the pregnancy. You might want to start asking her about her prenatal care plan as soon as possible so that the baby can get proper care that the mother feels comfortable with. Similarly, try to get your aging parents regular checkups before a problem arises. That way, you will understand their wishes and be able to follow appropriate measures in the event of a serious health scare.

Approach the subject with care. Don’t back them into a corner. Cornering your loved one may make them even more resistant to help. Have an easy-going conversation with no pressure. Choose a time when you are both relaxed and able to talk without distractions. Bring the subject up casually. For example, you might say, “Mom, when was the last time you saw a doctor?” or “Jody had to leave early to take his dad to the clinic. It made me remember that you haven’t gone in a while.”

State your concerns clearly and with love. If your loved one isn’t open to a casual suggestion, you will need to approach the discussion head-on. Be clear and direct about your concerns, especially if their health is in a critical state. You might say, “Mom, I can tell that your arthritis is getting worse. You didn’t even get out of bed yesterday. I love you and I am worried. I would feel so much better if you saw a doctor.” Keep in mind that you may have to repeat this step several times before your loved one truly starts to consider your suggestions.

Ask questions. If your loved one continues to show reluctance about seeing a doctor, you may want to probe them for more information. Figuring out where the root of their hesitation is can help you come up with a viable solution. You might ask, “Do you not like your doctor?”, "What don't you like about going to the doctor?", or “Are you worried about something in particular?” You might also take a more straightforward path by asking “Why don’t you want to see the doctor?”

Discuss the consequences of denial. In some cases, people may avoid seeing a doctor because they are not yet ready to accept the realities of a situation. Maybe a loved one in remission for cancer starts losing weight or re-experiencing symptoms. Perhaps an aging parent keeps forgetting things. These people may be reluctant to see the doctor because the outcome is more than they can face at the moment. In such situations, you must make your loved one consider the consequences if they don’t take actions. For instance, the cancer may return at full force if they don’t start treatment right away. Or, a parent with memory loss may carelessly hurt themselves or get lost.

Figuring Out a Solution

Find an ally. Oftentimes, family members are more open to listening to outsiders than their own relatives. A respected family friend or community leader may be able to bring up the topic in a way that your relative is receptive to. Pinpoint who in your loved one’s life they hold in high esteem. Then, ask this person to assist in your cause.

Let them choose the doctor. Gender differences, cultural barriers, and even educational gaps may affect a person’s decision not to see a doctor. If this is the case with your loved one, try to work with them in choosing a healthcare provider that aligns with their beliefs and makes them more comfortable. For example, your relative may prefer a practitioner of traditional medicine to a Western-style physician. If your loved one is a female, she may prefer to be seen by a female physician. If they don't like hospitals, look for a small, independent practice. Set up a consultation with the doctor so that your loved one can meet them before being examined. Work with them to conduct research and find a credentialed provider who can address your loved one’s needs while easing their distress, too.

Offer to get a checkup, too. Your relative may feel less distress if you join them at the doctor’s visit as a patient, too. This may release them from the pressure that they alone have a problem. Make it casual and relaxed, like you both simply need to get a yearly examination. Your loved one may be more inclined to see the doctor with this approach. For example, you might say, “Dad, I was thinking we could schedule our checkups together this year. I know that going with you will make me far less nervous than going on my own. Does that sound okay to you?” Making it like they are going to support you rather than the other way around may remove the pressure, also.

Know your limits. Despite your best attempt, your loved one is ultimately the deciding factor in their medical treatment. Unless they are at risk of harming themselves or someone else, you can’t force the issue. Be honest with yourself in recognizing that there is only so much you can do. If your loved one refuses to see a doctor, you might try mailing their physician a letter stating your concerns and hope that they call your relative in for an appointment. Or, you might mention a problem to a doctor that they are willing to go to, such as privately telling a cardiologist about any memory problems you've noticed with the hope that they'll pass the info along to the primary care physician.

Making a Doctor Visit Bearable

Use positive language. Sometimes, the way you describe doctor’s visits can make a world of difference in someone’s stress levels. Speaking in worried tones and using negative language can make your loved one stress out about the visit. Rather than conveying anxiety, try to send the message that seeing a doctor is an asset to their health.

Reinforce their strengths instead of focusing on shortcomings. Going to the doctor is a drag when each time everyone is bringing up problems. Try to pose your explanations in a positive light by focusing on strengths rather than weaknesses. For example, don’t say, “Mom, you got lost the other day and I’m worried.” Say, “Mom, we want to talk to the doctor to find out how we can help you stay in good health so you can continue to care for yourself. He can offer us suggestions so maybe you can keep living on your own.”

Schedule it for a suitable time of day. It may seem overly simple, but your loved one may have developed a negative perception of the doctor due to the window of time when they generally see one. Ask your family member when they would like to schedule their appointment and try your best to accommodate their request. For example, some older people function better early in the morning as opposed to late afternoons. They may feel more positive about the visit if it’s scheduled during this time. If possible, consider scheduling an e-visit or a consultation over Skype. Your loved one can talk to the doctor on the computer from their own home.

Plan exciting activities afterwards. You can also shift the perception around a doctor visit by making the day more exciting. Going to the doctor may seem like a drag, but you can make it fun and more rewarding when you schedule pleasurable activities around it. For example, you might suggest that you join your relative at the doctor and follow up with a shopping trip and a nice lunch at their favorite café.