Changing Your View of Dating
Adopt a “practice makes perfect” attitude about dating. Treat dating just like any other skill--you will not be perfect every time, it is a skill that can be practiced, and it takes time and effort to be good at it. Consider each date you go on as a chance to practice your skills rather than a "success or failure" mentality. If you make a mistake, try to laugh at yourself and remind yourself that it’ll make a great story one day. Dating is a way of seeing if you enjoy and are compatible with your potential love interest. It is not a test of you overall as a person. If the date does not work out, or it is not a good match, that only means that this particular situation is not a long term one. It’s okay if you have setbacks when it comes to dating. When you’re building a skill, you won’t have a steady path of progress. There are always going to be obstacles. Everyone feels nervous on a first date, and it's normal to make mistakes. You're doing just fine!
Focus on making connections with people who interest you. You might be feeling anxious about dating because you feel pressure to fall in love or find a partner. Relieve this pressure by looking at dating as a chance to relate to other people. When you go on a date, get to know the person and search for common interests. It doesn’t matter if it goes farther than a few dates. What’s important is that you’ll have made a connection with them. If it helps, create a list of questions you want to ask them before the date. You might ask, “What are you most excited about?” "What do you respect most about your mother or father?" "What's the most thoughtful gift you've received?" or "Tell me about a time that something didn't go as planned but ended up helping you get to where you are now."
Stop looking for “the one” on every date. Trying to fall in love is stressful, so it’s understandable that you’d feel anxious. However, you’re probably going to kiss a lot of frogs before you find a good partner, so take the pressure off yourself. Give yourself permission to take your time and go on a lot of dates as you look for a good partner. When you meet a person that’s an awful match for you, treat it like a success. You now know something you don’t want in a partner!
Be your own source of love and validation to take the pressure off. It can feel like you need a partner to complete you, but this simply isn’t true. The only person who can truly complete you is yourself! Instead of looking for a partner who will meet your needs, figure out what you want and give it to yourself. This will help you approach dating with a relaxed, open mind. For instance, tell yourself things like, “You’re enough,” “You can do this,” and “Your hard work is going to pay off.” If you want something, go out and get it for yourself. As an example, buy yourself nice jewelry or start saving for a house.
Coping with Your Feelings
Allow yourself to feel your emotions. Give yourself permission to experience your emotions, then try to name how you’re feeling. For instance, you might feel worried, afraid, or confused about dating and relationships. Don’t try to fight your feelings! Letting yourself feel them is the first step to helping them pass. You might say to yourself, “I’m feeling really afraid because my last relationship went so badly,” or “I’m worried that all relationships end because my parents got divorced.”
Identify the reasons you feel anxious about dating. Think about why you feel nervous and about the relationships you’ve had in the past. Additionally, consider the relationships that your family members had between each other. Then, write down the reasons why you think that dating might make you anxious. Once you know why you’re nervous, you can start to address those concerns. For instance, you might realize that you’re anxious because you’ve been used in the past. Similarly, dating might make you nervous because your older sibling had a bad experience with an ex.
Express your feelings of anxiety to help you manage them. Keeping your feelings bottled up makes things worse. You need to find a natural release that works for you. Here are some ways you might express your anxiety: Talk to someone about how you feel. Scream into a pillow. Try shaking your body to release your anxious emotions. Work from your shoulders down to your feet, shaking your body as you go. Write your feelings in a journal.
Use breathing exercises to calm yourself down. Try the 4-7-8 breathing technique to help you release your emotions. Press your tongue behind the top of your teeth, then inhale through your nose for a 4 count. Hold your breath for a 7 count, then release a whooshing breath to an 8 count. Repeat 3-4 times without pausing between breaths. This should help energize you with oxygen, which will help you relieve anxiety and stress.
Exercise daily to help release your feelings of anxiety. When you exercise, your body burns off excess energy, which helps reduce your anxiety. Additionally, exercise releases endorphins that make you feel happier. Choose an exercise you enjoy so you’ll be able to do it every day, such as the following: Join a recreational sports team. Take a dance class. Go to the gym with a friend. Walk in nature. Run. Do water aerobics.
Improving Your Dating Life
Look for ways to relate to other people in your daily life. Be curious about the people you meet. Ask them questions about themselves, look for common interests, and keep an open mind. Try to share something about yourself, as well. As you get better at relating to people, dating will come more easily. This comes back to making a connection with others. By learning to relate with people, you’ll be more comfortable on dates. For instance, talk to people in line at the grocery store, start a conversation while you’re in a waiting room, or invite your coworkers out to lunch.Tip: Try to learn something new from each person you date. This will help you focus on getting to know them as a person, which might help you relax.
Try out different ways of flirting with people. Flirting can help you make a quick connection with someone and express an interest in them. Since you can do it without going on a date, it’s a great way to test the waters with people to help you slowly move past your anxieties about dating. Here are some easy ways to flirt: Laugh and smile a lot. Make brief eye contact, then look away. Give the person a compliment. Show off your neck. Touch the person on their arm. Mirror their body language. Ask about a shared interest.
Choose fun activities for your dates to avoid awkward conversations. Sitting across from someone at a dinner table can feel really scary, especially if you’ve just met them. Instead of putting the focus of your date on conversation, invite the person on an active date. This will keep you out of your head so you’re less likely to feel anxious. Here are some date ideas: Go bowling. Play mini golf. Attend a concert. Take a dancing lesson. Go to a cooking class. Attend a local festival.
Focus on what your date is doing or saying to get out of your thoughts. Overthinking things during your date will increase your anxiety. However, you can avoid this by paying close attention to your date. Actively Listen to everything your date says, and repeat what they say back to them. Additionally, watch their body language and how they move so you’re focused on the moment. Don’t worry about figuring out what your date might be thinking. Just be with them in the moment. If your date isn’t saying much, try asking them open-ended questions to encourage them to talk. You might ask, “What’s the most interesting thing about your job?” or “How did you get started with your hobby?”
Keep the conversation fun during your first few dates. You might get nervous about dating because it’s difficult to open up to people. However, there’s no rush to reveal everything about yourself. When you first start dating someone, stick to light, fun topics, such as your hobbies or funny stories. For instance, you don’t need to tell them about your past relationships. Instead, talk about your latest interests.
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