Learning to Accept Your Fetish
Identify your fetish. A fetish can be a sexual desire regarding almost anything imaginable. People have fetishes about feet, breasts, hands, fat stomachs, flatulence, amputated limbs, shoes, animals, animal furs, and thousands of other things. Learning to accept your fetish starts with identifying ways you are sexually aroused. More men than women are thought to have fetishes, but this estimate is likely misleading. Because men tend to experience erections and consistent ejaculation, women and genderqueer folks are less often identified as having fetishes in research studies. At least 1/4 of the adult videos produced in the US depict fetishes.
Find others who share your fetish. Look for sex-positive centers and online groups that support exploring a wide variety of sexual expression. You can do an internet search for "sex-positive" + your fetish item. There are communities on social media as well. The main thing you are looking for is open, honest communication regarding your fetish. If a website is attempting to sell you things, or make you feel ashamed about your fetish, consider moving on. Your fetish may be exciting and feel risky, but it shouldn't actually expose you to genuine danger. Look for communities which employ safe sexual practices. Online communities can be safe places to ask questions about your fetish, or to find items related to your fetish.
Consider whether your fetish harms anyone. While there's nothing wrong with having a fetish, it is never okay to cause harm to another person or yourself. Most of the time, fetishes do not result in harm to other people. Harm to yourself can happen primarily if you become so fixated on your fetish that it interferes with your relationship, your work, or your health. Masturbating to fetishes might be a safe way to participate in certain fetishes that can't actually be safely practiced (such as sex with animals). If you have a fetish that might result in physical injury to yourself or someone else, learn to engage in it safely. Talk to others in the fetish community about how to maintain safe sexual practices within your fetish.
Realize that fetishes and kinks are normal. Some researchers believe that fetishes are so common that they should be understood as being part of typical, healthy sexual exploration. Understanding your fetish as normal is an important step to take. If you don't accept your fetish as a normal part of yourself, you're unlikely to enjoy your fetish. For many people, the fetish object only needs to be present at the beginning of a sexual encounter. A fetish item can be something that you require to be present before becoming sexually aroused, or it might not be required for you to enjoy sex.
Explore your sexuality safely. To enjoy your fetish, remember to keep your sex practices safe, sane and consensual. It's important to remember to take care of yourself and your sexual partner, physically and emotionally. Take precautions to protect yourself from sexually transmitted diseases. You should always use barriers and condoms when appropriate. Remember that communication is one of the most important parts of sexual intimacy, particularly when you're experimenting with something, or someone, new. Always communicate when you start to feel unsafe, and immediately respond to another person's indication of discomfort.
Avoid isolation. Isolation is the most common cause of depression associated with fetishes. If you don't find others engaged in your type of sexual fetish online, don't give up. Not every fetish group is found online. Visual images work well for some kinds of fetishes, but not others. Some sorts of fetishes, such as diaper fetishes, are more taboo than others in contemporary American culture. If you have a taboo fetish, you're at higher than average risk for isolation and depression. Remember that your sexuality is about more than your fetish. While your fetish may be an important factor of sexual fulfillment, it is not your identity. Sexual frustration can result in depression. Talking to a sex-positive counselor or therapist may help you find support.
Communicating About Your Fetish
Introduce the topic of your fetish. If you're just meeting a new person, you might not want to introduce the topic on your first date, unless you've met through a special interest dating site. If you're already in a relationship and would like to introduce your fetish to your partner, start slowly. Talk about your fetish with acceptance. If you treat your fetish as a normal, safe experience, this increases the chance of your partner's accepting it this way too. Your partner may already be aware of your interests, or they may not be. Depending on the dynamics of your relationship, you may want to set aside time for a lengthy conversation on the fetish. Start slowly by saying, “Hey, I have a fantasy,” or “This really turns me on. Would you want to do something like that?”
Take it slowly. Your partner may need some time and privacy to process the new information. Don't expect immediate understanding - though this might happen! Instead, follow your partner's lead. Allow your partner to understand your fetish at their own rate of speed. Don't be ashamed. If you feel ashamed, you'll be sending a mixed message to your partner, and it will result in harm to your own self-esteem. There's nothing to be ashamed about. You don't have to defend your fetish to anyone, so don't get defensive. Having a fetish is normal and natural.
Listen with understanding. Remember that you've already come to accept your fetish, which was likely a process. Your partner now has the opportunity to accept your fetish too. They might also reveal fetishes or sexual interests of their own. Allowing yourself to listen openly to their concerns, questions and reactions will help strengthen your relationship. If your partner refuses to talk about your fetish, give it time. They may just need time to process, or they may be in denial. Discussing fetishes might make some people nervous. Never force the conversation.
Ask questions. Your partner may not know how to ask questions about your fetish. You can be supportive by asking questions of them. For instance, learn more about their fears or curiosities about your fetish by asking questions. Don't assume that the questions must come from your partner. Show them some online information that they can continue to explore on their own. Remember, they may not know how to put their thoughts and feelings about your fetish into words. This will take time, but you can help through asking your own questions.
Share pictures, images or media of your fetish. This might help your partner understand what you want. Seeing pictures might help your partner view your fetish as normal, rather than something strange and scary. If you've found a supportive community, you may have also found ways to introduce the topic of your fetish with your partner. Sometimes you can find a group for people new to the fetish community which can be a resource for your partner to learn more about your fetish.
Never force your fetish on anyone else. Consent is essential in a healthy relationship. If you have different sexual needs than your partners, recognize this and seek alternatives. A therapist or counselor may be able to help you through this juncture of your relationship. Most sex-positive therapist support adapting the relationship to the needs of the person with the fetish rather than working to eliminate the fetish itself.
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