Prioritizing Sex
Schedule sex. No, it’s not romantic. But sometimes life gets in the way, and you are too busy or tired to make time for it. While it might feel awkward at first, and not at all spontaneous, you may eventually find yourself looking forward to that time of reconnecting with your partner. Discuss how often you want to have sex and come to an agreement. Mark the dates in your calendars so you don’t forget. Consider scheduling sex for a month or two to see if this is a strategy that works for you.
Make it a date night. If you are having a hard time getting used to the idea of scheduling sex, consider that in the early days of your relationship, you likely inadvertently “scheduled” it. For example, when you first started dating, you may have known you would see your partner on Friday night. You may have anticipated that you would have sex that evening, which may have been exciting or arousing for both of you. Plan a fun evening out with your partner. Tease and flirt with each other to generate that “new date” excitement. Keep the excitement going until you can get to a private place to get it on.
Turn off the TV and other distractions. It’s easy to get sucked into binge-watching TV shows or getting lost in the internet in your free time, instead of spending that time connecting with your partner. Consider making a pact with your partner that you will spend a set amount of time each day or week just spending time together, without your phones or another screen present. You may not wish to put pressure on yourselves to have sex; rather, this can just be a time to connect and hang out with each other. If sex happens, great! But even if it doesn’t, you are laying the groundwork for further intimacy down the road. You could ask your partner, “Do you just want to lay in bed and relax for a little bit? I could rub your back, or we could just cuddle.”
Find energy for sex. Many people are exhausted at the end of the day, when they finally reconnect with their partner. If you want to make sex a priority in your relationship, however, don’t your fatigue as an excuse. Get creative and find some ways to work it into your day. If the two of you are morning people, wake up a little earlier in the morning. Find creative ways to have sex during the day, like in the shower while getting ready for work, or meeting on your lunch breaks for a quickie. Wake yourself up in the evening with some exercise. You’ll feel more alert and energized.
Go to bed earlier, with your partner. If you are going to bed at different times, it is likely going to be difficult for you to make time for sex in the evenings, as one of you may already be asleep. Try going to bed at the same time as your partner and see what happens. While the first few nights you may actually fall asleep without sex, as your body adjusts to the extra sleep and new schedule, you may find yourself reaching for your partner before falling asleep.
Remember there’s no “right amount” of sex. We live in a culture saturated by sex. You may feel pressure to have more sex in your relationship because of what you are seeing in the media.The right amount of sex for you and your partner is what you and your partner decide works for you, not what some magazine says! It’s okay if you don’t want to have sex twice a week and would rather have it twice a month. Maybe you’re not interested in sex at all. As long as you and your partner are on the same page about your sex life together, your libido is not a problem!
Communicating Your Sexual Needs
Talk about it. Communicate with your partner about your desires, your turn-offs, and how you are feeling. Don't make assumptions about what they're feeling, either—revisit this conversation often, as feelings, preferences, and life can change. Remember that couples frequently fight about sex, so it is important to keep communication open and clear to avoid resentment and frustration building up. You may feel uncomfortable or vulnerable having a conversation with your partner about your sexuality, but try anyway. You could say, “Even though I have sex with you, I still feel kind of weird talking about having sex with you. But I want to talk with you about our sex life as a couple and how we can make it better.”
Show your partner what you like. You both may find it very sexy to show your partner what you enjoy. Demonstrate how you masturbate to your partner, or place your partner’s hands on your body and show them what to do. If you or your partner don’t really know what you enjoy, experiment on yourselves or on each other. Masturbation is an important component of your sexual knowledge and health.
Be open to constructive criticism. Whether you are discussing sex or actually in the middle of it, create an environment where you are both open to acknowledging when one of you isn’t enjoying something. Sex makes us vulnerable, so it can be hard to handle criticism, but being too sensitive to receive it will create tension with your partner. If your partner says, “I don’t really like it when you touch me like that,” say, “I’m sorry. Can you show me what you like?” Don’t take it personally. Even after many years, you will still have things to learn about each other.
Understand consent. Discuss sexual consent with your partner. For an open, healthy sexual relationship, both of you need to understand what consent means for each other, and agree that consent can be withdrawn at any time. For example, say you and your partner decide to have sex and you’re getting ready with some foreplay. All of the sudden, your partner says, “You know what, I don’t think I’m in the mood tonight.” Immediately stop what you are doing and say, “Okay.” See if they want to talk about it. Do not argue with them or try to coerce them into continuing. It is still important to have consent even if you have been sexual partners for many years. Feelings and preferences aren’t constant, and it is important not to assume a sexual act is okay, even if you have been doing it for years. Always ask, “Is it okay if I do this?” or “Do you want me to do this?” and make sure your partner verbally agrees.
Creating a Romantic Environment
Eliminate expectations. Improving your sexual experiences requires getting rid of any expectations you or your partner may have. Do your best to be confident, playful, and excited to experience the blissful and often carnal pleasures of sex. Try not to focus on things while in the act like, “How am I doing?”, “How am I feeling?”, or “Do you love me?” At their core these questions are related to the expectations you have about your sexual experience with your partner, and they are usually born of fear. In asking these questions you are trying to judge what's happening against what you think you should be feeling emotionally, cognitively and physically, taking yourself out of the moment and distancing yourself from your partner and the experience.
Physically connect with your partner. The two of you may be kept apart by jobs and other responsibilities for a large portion of the day. When you are together, make it a point to be in close physical contact with the other person. Kiss, hug, and caress your partner. Even if you don’t end up having sex, physical touch will help generate more intimacy between the two of you. It also helps you relax and improves your physical and emotional health. Consider setting time aside each day for the two of you to snuggle, hug, or just sit close with each other.
Know what sets the mood. Know your partner’s turn-ons, and yours, too. Keep in mind these turn-ons may not necessarily be physical or sexual in nature. See if you can find a pattern in your lives together when you are both more amorous, and do your best to replicate those times! Talk to your partner about when they most want to have sex. They might say, “After a romantic date,” or “When we have a lot of fun together.” Figure out ways to create these moods for your partner. You may want to take them to a new restaurant or to play mini-golf, for example. If your partner loves the thrill of anticipation, consider incorporating some flirtatious, teasing behaviors into your day. You could send racy texts, whisper things you want to do with them into their ear, or start making out with them only to stop and say, “More later.”
Create a romantic atmosphere. Consider what you and your partner like to create a romantic, intimate mood. While you might not be able to have a heart made of rose petals on the bed every time, you can still make your environment romantic and special. Consider soft lighting, like candles or low ambient light. Overhead is probably too harsh. Invest in some nice, soft bedding you both enjoy spending time in. Play music that helps set the mood: R&B, jazz, or soft rock may be good choices, but it depends on your taste. At the very least, clean up your bedroom and free it of distractions. Turn off the TV and pick up clothes off the floor. Straightening up the rest of your living space, if you can, would also be a plus.
Take care of chores for each other. While this doesn’t sound romantic, studies have shown how helping your partner with chores around the house can actually put them in the mood for sex, because they are less stressed with the household responsibilities hanging over their heads. Find out what chores your partner would like help with and do them without prompting. Consider doing the dishes, cleaning the bathroom, or putting the children to bed so your partner can relax. Do not hold it over your partner’s head that you helped out, so you expect sex in return. That creates more pressure on your partner and may kill the mood.
Go on a weekly date. If the two of you have busy lives, you may struggle to find the time to reconnect. If you are not making time for each other outside of the bedroom, it will be difficult to make time inside the bedroom. A standing weekly date will help you both make your relationship a priority, which will enhance your sex life. Your date doesn’t have to be anything big. It may be as simple as going for a long walk. The important thing is that you are spending time together, reconnecting as a couple. Get a babysitter. If you have kids, make sure you arrange a babysitter. It may be helpful for one partner to schedule the babysitter, while the other partner finds the date night activity.
Be ready with the necessary contraception. If you are using contraception, have it ready to go or already be using it (if you are female in a heterosexual relationship and using the birth control pill, for example). That way you can relax and enjoy sex when the mood strikes, rather than having to worry about running to the pharmacy, or risking an unintended pregnancy or an STI (sexually transmitted infection). Remember that condoms are widely available, inexpensive, and the best prevention for both pregnancy and STIs when used correctly. Talk to your family doctor or visit a family planning clinic to learn more about contraception options.
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