- If someone kisses you and you don't want them to, pull back or push them away, step back away from them, and calmly but firmly ask them not to do that again.
- If your sweetheart kisses you unexpectedly and you liked it, tell them—or just kiss them back!
- On the other hand, if your partner stole a kiss and you're not quite ready for that in your relationship, you should have a conversation with them about how you feel.
Reacting to an Unwanted Kiss
Push away from the kiss. Before doing anything else, break out of the kiss by either pulling yourself away or pushing the other person away. Do not passively wait for the kiss to end, since the other individual involved may take this as an invitation to continue or deepen the gesture. This makes it clear that you aren't interested in what they're trying to do. In most situations, you should be able to pry yourself away without using much force, especially if the kiss is only a quick peck on the lips. Lightly grab the other person at the front of the shoulders and straighten your arms, using the momentum to gently back away and ease the other person away from you. If the other individual is more aggressive, a more aggressive response might be required. Start by using more force to actively push the other person away with your hands/arms. Don’t be afraid to use your arms to break the other person’s hold on you, or to kick the other person away if there’s no other way to break contact.
Create some physical distance. Once you’ve ended the kiss, take a few steps away from the other person to create obvious physical distance. Doing so protects you from another stolen kiss while also sending clear nonverbal clues about your feelings toward the kiss. A few steps should be all it takes if the other person has innocent intentions. If desired, you may wish to hold up your hand to further emphasize your desire for space or turn your face away to make it clear that you don’t want another kiss. Of course, if the other person is aggressive, the safest thing you can do is to completely remove yourself from that individual’s presence.
Stay calm. Unless you’re in physical danger, the best thing to do is to stay calm. Evaluate the person involved and the circumstance. It’s possible that the stolen kiss is the result of a misunderstanding, in which case, a calm rejection will likely have the best outcome. If the stolen kiss is a more serious violation of personal space, staying calm will still make it easier for you to express yourself clearly and firmly. Take a few deep breaths. Inhale and hold for several seconds, then exhale over several seconds. Several repetitions of mindful breathing can help calm your nerves and clear your head. Before verbalizing your response, try to evaluate the other person's motives by taking a mental step back and looking at the situation objectively. Asking why something happened from an objective perspective may make it easier to gauge an appropriate response. If you were on a date that was going well, it's possible that your date misread you and believed the desire to kiss was mutual. If a friend kissed you without warning, it's possible that your friend has been harboring unreturned feelings of romance for you and momentarily stepped out of line. If someone you've rejected, don't know, or don't get along with steals a kiss, that person may have done so to intentionally upset or harass you.
Firmly reject the kiss. Depending on the circumstances, you may find yourself feeling bad if you have to tell someone you disliked being kissed. Nevertheless, a firm verbal rejection of the kiss is the surest way to prevent it from happening again. If you’re dealing with someone who harbors unreturned feelings toward you, clearly state that you don’t share those feelings and don’t want this incident to happen again: “I’m flattered, but I don’t have romantic feelings for you and don’t want to kiss you.” If you’re not ready to kiss someone you’ve started dating, but might be open to the idea later, clarify your position accordingly: “I really like you, but I don’t feel ready to kiss you at this stage of our relationship. I’ll make sure you know when I’m ready, though.”
Consider offering an explanation. An explanation is never a requirement, but depending on your relationship with the other person involved, it might be worthwhile to explain why you don’t want to be kissed to that individual. Be gentle yet firm, and express your thoughts and feelings as clearly as possible. If you suspect the other person kissed you out of spite or for other ignoble reasons, it might be best to skip the explanation and part ways. On the other hand, if you’re rejecting a friend’s feelings for you or explaining why you don’t feel comfortable kissing your date, an explanation, about why you feel the way you do, might help to limit hurt feelings and prevent the situation from reoccurring.
Create some emotional distance, if necessary. Rejecting a kiss can sometimes result in hurt feelings, especially if it also means rejecting someone’s unreturned affections. To give the other person time to heal while also underscoring your lack of desire, it might be best to spend time apart and avoid circumstances that could lead to further misunderstandings. Avoid hanging out with this person for a while, especially if other people won’t be around. When you do start hanging around each other again, avoid flirtatious behavior and make sure that both sides are aware of one another’s boundaries. Don’t be too surprised if the other person no longer wants to spend time with you. Even if that individual respects your feelings, the pain of rejection can make it hard to continue an ongoing relationship/friendship, and letting go might be the best thing for both of you.
Get help if you feel threatened or harassed. If the person who stole a kiss is aggressively persistent or threatens you in any way, seek help from an appropriate authority figure. A stolen kiss might seem innocent enough, but someone who shows a serious lack of respect for your feelings and your personal space could escalate the matter into something far more serious next time. A forced, unwanted kiss might even be considered a form of sexual harassment or sexual assault, depending on the laws of your municipality. This is especially true of the behavior continues after you make your wishes known. Don’t be afraid to report the incident to the local police if you feel unsafe.
Reacting to a Surprise Kiss from Your Sweetheart
Gently pull away. Even if you enjoy the kiss your sweetheart stole from you, it can still be a good idea to back out of it and give yourself a chance to breathe. Doing so ensures that whatever reaction you have will be an honest one, rather than one caused by getting swept up in the moment. Don’t be afraid of “ruining the moment” by pulling away from a kiss. If you maintain physical closeness while preventing your partner from kissing you again, the action may actually increase feelings of desire in both of you. On the other hand, breaking physical contact completely would give you a better chance to evaluate your thoughts and feelings, which can be important if you aren’t yet certain about your feelings regarding the stolen kiss. This is ultimately more important than the risk of ruining this one particular moment.
Give yourself time to process your feelings. Depending on the circumstances, this may only take a few moments or it may take a few hours to days. It’s important to not rush yourself. Honestly ask yourself how you feel about the kiss—i.e. whether you enjoyed it or not—and determine if you feel that it was acceptable behavior for your relationship. If you already have a fairly intimate relationship, it may not take much time to process your thoughts. Your gut may instinctively know that you do or don’t like the kiss. If your relationship is still somewhat new, you may need more time to think things through. Let your partner know that in a calm yet straightforward manner: “Wow, I wasn’t expecting that. Can you give me some time to figure out how that makes me feel? My mind is spinning right now.”
Verbalize your response. Regardless of whether your reaction is favorable or unfavorable, it’s probably a good idea to give your sweetheart a verbal response to the kiss. Use your best judgment to determine if this response should be brief or lengthy. If you liked the kiss and figured that out quickly, brief confirmation is probably all you’ll need to give: “That was amazing!” If you took a little longer to work out or feelings or if you don’t feel comfortable with stolen/surprise kisses, sit down with your partner after the moment has passed and clearly explain both how you feel and why you feel that way to avoid future misunderstandings.
Reciprocate the kiss, if desired. If your response to your sweetheart’s kiss is a favorable one, you might consider planting a kiss of your own to underscore your spoken feelings on the matter—but it isn’t necessary, of course, so don’t feel obligated to do so. This kiss might be equal in kind—a peck on the lips for a peck on lips—or it may be even more passionate. Respond according to your own feelings and those of your partner.
Set boundaries for the future. Regardless of whether you enjoyed the kiss or not, this might be a good time to set boundaries for your relationship. If stolen kisses are completely out of the question, be honest about that. If certain types of stolen kisses or certain circumstances are out of the question, be clear about that, too. For instance, you may enjoy the occasional stolen kiss if it’s only a quick peck on the lips in private, but that doesn’t mean you have to feel equally comfortable with something more intense (e.g., a French kiss) when you don’t have warning, nor does it mean you need to be okay with the surprise kiss when you’re in front of your family or out in public.
Avoiding Stolen Kisses in the Future
Never feel obligated. It’s important to realize that you are never obligated to engage in any sexual contact with another person, even if that contact is something as seemingly innocent as a kiss. Your body is your own; nobody else has a right to intrude upon your personal space or to force any form of contact with you. Realizing this is an essential part of preventing someone from stealing a kiss in the future.
Learn to say “no” without feeling guilty. Rejecting someone who wants to kiss you can be a difficult thing, and if you aren’t able to issue your rejection quickly, it’s possible that the other person may react before you have a chance to gather your thoughts. Learning to say “no” in this and all areas of your life can help you ward away unwanted contact. Practice saying "no" in everyday circumstances that have nothing to do with romance. Turn down plans to hang out with your friends if you aren't in the mood to go out. Tell someone "no" if you're asked to take on a project or favor you don't have the time or energy to complete. Building up familiarity with the "no" word can make it easier to use in the heat of the moment.
Make your feelings and boundaries known. Always try your best to be clear about your wants, especially when romance is involved. If you don’t have feelings for someone who has them for you, make your stance clear. If you aren’t ready for physical contact in a relationship, even if it’s “only” kissing, draw that line as clearly as possible. Clarify what "consent" means when you go out on a date with someone new or pursue a relationship with someone you're interested in. In addition to "no" meaning "no," it's also important to recognize that only a "yes" means "yes." Verbal confirmation of consent is important, especially early in a relationship, but you should also discuss nonverbal signs of consent with your partner.
Avoid unfavorable circumstances. Avoiding situations that may lead to misunderstandings can prevent stolen kisses of a fairly innocent nature, and avoiding situations that could put you in compromising positions with unreliable people may prevent stolen kisses of a less innocent nature. Don’t flirt with someone who you have no romantic interest in, especially if you suspect or know that individual has feelings for you. If someone makes you uncomfortable or if you don’t know someone well enough to establish trust, avoiding being alone with that individual.
Turn away from an incoming kiss you don’t want. If you find yourself with someone who’s interested in you romantically and you don’t want to kiss that person, be on the lookout for nonverbal (or verbal) indicators of an oncoming kiss. Ideally, your partner will be able to tell that you aren’t interested and will react in a respectful way; however, if your partner does lean in for an unwanted kiss, watching out for the behavior will make it easier to turn away from it. The other person will probably be smiling a bit awkwardly and looking between your eyes and your lips when they're interested in kissing you. Shake or turn your head away when your partner leans in for an unwanted kiss. This signal should be clear, and may make your partner feel less hurt than physically pushing him or her away. Explain or restate your feelings about kissing this individual. Let your partner know what you're comfortable with doing, and if the situation would benefit from an explanation, be honest about your feelings and reasons for those feelings.
Comments
0 comment