How to Talk to a Narcissist

Ask them clarifying questions.

A narcissist might not realize how unreasonable or hurtful they are. Open your chat with a few questions about their actions to trigger their self-awareness—they might adjust to be more accommodating or less reckless once they realize how unequal, unsafe, or illogical their behavior is. Try things like: “Do you really think it’s safe to drive fast in this weather just to say you got there first?” “Does it seem fair to you that you’re doing less work than me but we’re getting equal credit?” “Are you asking me to help you, or are you telling me?”

Listen closely and act interested.

Demonstrating interest in them is the only way to hold their attention. Make it obvious you’re paying attention by occasionally paraphrasing what they said. A neutral half-smile and some nodding along to what they’re saying goes a long way toward keeping them calm and focused. Keep eye contact while they talk to you. It shows you’re listening but also makes you appear confident and strong. Try not to cut them off while they’re talking. If it’s necessary to interject, look for an opening to speak and wait for them to meet you halfway.

Acknowledge what’s true.

Narcissists do have real feelings and accomplishments. They’re often talented and intelligent people, but they dilute their genuine success and emotions with bragging, twisted justifications, or flat-out lies because of their insecurity. During your conversation, acknowledge the real and honest things they say without acting overly impressed to meet their need for validation. Use neutral, cordial phrases like: “That’s nice.” “Good for you!” “Congrats!” Avoid asking follow-up questions so they’re not encouraged to keep bragging or pulling focus.

Use impersonal language.

It’s helpful to stay unemotional and make general, factual statements. When you’re confronting a narcissist about their behavior, avoid bringing past personal experiences or feelings into the conversation. A narcissist will only twist them to justify their actions and turn the blame on you. Assertive but emotionally neutral language is the most effective way to curb their toxic behavior. Say things like: “You seem to communicate aggressively.” “There is no reason to be upset now.” Separate the person from their behavior with a phrase like “You’re acting like a narcissist.” Simple “yes” or “no” answers to their questions are effective. Try not to agree or disagree with them with phrases like “I can see that point of view” or “I’ll have to think about that.”

Pair constructive criticism with a compliment.

Feed them a compliment-criticism-compliment sandwich. Narcissists are more open to feedback when they feel noticed, so begin and end your conversation with a pat on the back. The validation they feel from your praise will hold them over while you slip your critique somewhere in between. Tell them about something they can improve on or point out bad behavior with gentle language: “Thanks so much for cleaning the kitchen earlier. It looks great! Sometimes it seems like you’re not honest when you say you’ve cleaned something. You’re so thorough when you do.” “Your quarterly report is so detailed, nice job! Next time, it would be fantastic if you could get it in by the deadline. Thanks for all your hard work!” Sometimes, you’ll need proof to justify your criticism or call out one of their lies. With a coworker, for example, you can point to an empty spreadsheet and say “See, this isn’t done.”

Explain how they’ll benefit from your requests.

A narcissist won’t agree to change if they won’t benefit from it. They can’t fully understand how you feel or why you would want them to do something for you, so don’t waste time trying to explain yourself. Instead, tell them how it’ll reward them or make them look good. If you can convince them that the outcome you want is their idea, that’s even better. Try things like: “Mom and dad will be really impressed if you stop yelling all the time.” “I hear the boss really likes it when team members work smoothly together.” “You’ll be the best speech giver ever if you can brag a little bit less.”

Show them empathy.

Relate to their feelings to soothe any anger or defensiveness. A narcissist wants you to acknowledge their emotions because they need to feel like they’re right and reacting correctly. Say things like, “You must feel upset by what I said, and I understand why you feel like that.” Use “we” statements to show you’re in this together and include yourself in the behavior. Say, “We got off on the wrong foot” or “We can try this conversation again later.” Don’t make any statements about yourself unless it’s an apology (it’s the only time a narcissist will care about how you feel). Remember, empathy teaches empathy. Modeling empathetic behavior is a strong way to change how a narcissist acts over time.

Stay on topic.

A narcissist wants to derail you so they can avoid consequences. Acknowledge their feelings but keep the conversation moving forward. You don’t have to deal with every little thing they say and do as long as you give them enough validation to soothe their insecurities and keep listening to you. Stay on track with phrases like: “We can definitely look into your idea once we finish this conversation here.” “That’s a great point! Anyway…” “Yes, I do remember when you were right about the annual report. That’s not what this is about.”

Rise above their insults.

Narcissists get mean because they want a negative reaction from you. They’re hypersensitive and escalate confrontations so they can point to your anger and frustration and make themselves seem superior. If they begin insulting you, ignore their provocations—when they can’t get a strong, emotional reaction out of you, they lose their conversational power. Don’t take insults from a narcissist personally. They can’t feel good unless you feel bad and their verbal abuse comes from a feeling of deep insecurity. Humor and wit are great tools for breaking the tension with a narcissist. If they can laugh at their own behavior, they’re likely to (temporarily) adjust.

Avoid sharing personal information.

A narcissist can use anything they know about you against you. During a confrontation, they tend to distort or misquote vulnerable information you share, so it’s best not to reveal much beforehand. A narcissist might jab at your deepest insecurities, tell your secrets to coworkers, or bring up painful traumatic experiences from your past to put you down. Protecting your private information is more difficult when you live with a narcissistic partner or family member. Be wary of what you share, and avoid opening up too much beyond what’s necessary. If you feel you might share something you don’t want them to know, don’t say anything and take a break from the conversation. It’s hard for a narcissist to misquote your silence.

Keep the interaction as short as possible.

Speak as little as possible and give yourselves some space. If the conversation gets too intense, take a break—use the restroom, grab a beverage, or find an excuse to walk away for a moment. If you need to change the subject, distract them with a topic they’re interested in or put on a movie or TV show to draw their focus away from you. Avoid saying “yes” to their requests too often. You’ll never get them on your side by appeasing them and it’ll only draw out your interaction longer. Remember to protect yourself. If you need to get away from them, leave the room until you’re in a headspace where you can interact again.

Establish your boundaries and stick to them.

Narcissists will push your limits to see what they can get away with. Be polite but firm when you address their behavior and its consequences. If your boundaries are crystal clear and consistent, you can justify sticking to your guns. Repeat statements like “If you want me to do that, here are my terms. It’s up to you whether you accept them or not” when they challenge you. Don’t apologize if you're not in the wrong. If they’re upset, say something like “I can’t control how you feel about this” or “This has been my stance from the beginning” to avoid blaming them for pushing your boundaries. If they start to yell or get verbally abusive, leave the room or hang up the phone to reinforce that you will not let them talk that way to you.