- They/them/theirs pronouns typically refer to a singular person who doesn’t use gendered pronouns like she/her/hers or he/him/his for themself.
- Anyone may use they/them pronouns, regardless of appearance or gender identity. Ask the person for their pronouns so you know how to correctly address them.
- Quickly correct yourself if you accidentally use the wrong pronouns when you’re talking to someone.
What do they/them pronouns mean?
They/them signals a person doesn’t want to use gendered pronouns. You may be familiar with using they/them pronouns to refer to a group of people, but these gender-neutral pronouns can also refer to a singular person who doesn't use he/him or she/her. While you can’t assume a person’s gender or sexual orientation just from their pronouns, people who use they/them pronouns may be nonbinary, intersex (someone with anatomical traits that are not the typical male or female), transgender, or another identity. Example: “I’ve known Alex since high school. They’ve been my best friend ever since.” Example: “Julie loves movies, so I got them a gift card to the theater for their birthday.” Neopronouns are newer, typically gender-neutral pronouns to use in place of they/them. Common neopronouns include ze/zem/zemself and ey/em/emself. If someone lists their pronouns as he/they, they use both he/him and they/them interchangeably. When someone uses she/they, they refer to themself as she/her and they/them. Some people may prefer one set of pronouns over the other.
Who uses they/them pronouns?
Anyone, regardless of appearance or identity, can go by they/them pronouns. Even if someone appears masculine or feminine, they won’t necessarily use gendered pronouns to refer to themself. Try to avoid making assumptions about someone’s pronouns based on their name or how they look. Example: On a dating site, you may simply see “they/them” in their bio. Example: In an email signature or on Slack, you may see “(they/them)” following the person's name. If you’re not sure what pronouns someone goes by, simply use they/them or their name until you’re able to find out.
How do you find out someone’s pronouns?
Just ask the person directly what pronouns they use. If you’re trying to find out what pronouns a person uses, don’t be afraid to ask them upfront. It's not rude to ask; just think of it like asking for their name! Try sharing your pronouns first to make the other person feel more comfortable about telling you theirs. Example: “I just want to double-check—what are your pronouns?” Example: “I’m David, and I use he/him pronouns. What pronouns do you use?” It’s okay if a person doesn’t feel comfortable sharing their pronouns publicly, so don’t force them to. Just refer to them by their name instead of using any pronouns.
What do you do if you get someone's pronouns wrong?
Correct yourself and quickly move on. If you slip and use the wrong pronouns, avoid making a big deal out of it. Instead, quickly apologize and switch to the correct pronoun before continuing on with your conversation. Moving on and continuing to use the person’s pronouns after you make the mistake shows that you’re supportive and want to move forward. Example: “I can’t wait for you to meet him—sorry—them. They’re so funny and you’ll mesh so well.” Avoid making excuses, profusely apologizing, or trying to explain why you made the mistake. Doing this may seem like you’re trying to make the situation about you. Misgendering someone can make them feel extremely hurt or invalidated in their identity, but a quick apology and using correct pronouns from then on can help make them more comfortable again.
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