- An emotional masochist is a person who finds themselves in repetitive situations resulting in emotional pain or discomfort.
- This usually occurs because this person is not connected to their own emotional information to an extent that would help them remove themselves from the cycle.
- Emotional masochists often turn down help from other people, deny themselves various forms of pleasure, and tend to stay in unhealthy relationships.
- You might be an emotional masochist if you turn away from healthy relationships, are prone to self-criticism, or often feel guilty for things other people don’t.
Definition and Causes of Emotional Masochism
Emotional masochists tend to seek emotional pain. Generally, “masochism” is a pattern of behavior in which a person inflicts pain on themselves. An emotional masochist, then, is a person who chooses situations or gives in to ways of thinking that lead to emotional or mental distress, like failure or self-defeatism. While Masochistic Personality Disorder is not formally recognized, many psychologists consider it a very real condition that affects a number of people. Psychologists are still debating whether or not these patterns are always conscious, but it’s likely that it varies by person—some emotional masochists may be aware of their behavior, but others may do it to themselves subconsciously or impulsively.
Emotional masochism might be caused by childhood experiences. There’s still much debate about why emotional masochists do what they do, and it’s probably a bit different for everyone. Some psychologists suggest that the behavior is caused by taking on too much responsibility as a child, like having to pay bills or raise siblings, which causes the person to feel a sense of martyrdom or an obligation to make sacrifices that stuck as they grew into an adult. Others suggest that a person with a masochistic personality might think that their behavior helps them to maintain some amount of control in an otherwise turbulent life—consistent disappointment, they feel, might be better or more stable than an emotional rollercoaster. Emotional masochism might also be caused by low self-esteem or chronic depression. In these cases, the masochist might believe that they’re unworthy of good things, or that negative experiences are the standard.
10 Signs You Might Be an Emotional Masochist
You often feel guilty or depressed. Feelings of guilt or depression are both a cause and a symptom of a masochistic personality. You might feel that you don’t deserve to feel good, or that your actions cause undue harm to others, even when that’s not true. This feeling of guilt often causes chronic depression, which is a state that tends to feel comfortable or stable, and so you do little to try to remedy it, even though it causes you pain, and you don’t deserve to feel that way. Example: You’re late for a dinner party and decide that your presence there must be a burden since the other guests are waiting to eat, when in reality they don’t mind waiting at all. Nevertheless, you can’t help but feel glum and dejected all through dinner.
You reject offers for help. An emotional masochist often intentionally makes things harder for themselves by turning away anyone who wants to lend a hand. It could be that you don’t want to burden others with your problems, or that you want others to recognize the outsized or unnecessary effort you put into something, perhaps in hopes of praise. Example: You’re struggling to move a new chair into your home, but when a neighbor walks by and offers to help you lift it, you turn them down. To you, accepting their help would be an imposition. Or, you take pleasure in having them witness your struggle.
You repeatedly enter or stay in abusive or unhealthy relationships. An emotional masochist is often aware that a relationship—whether it’s romantic, platonic, or familial—is unhealthy, but they choose to maintain it anyway. You might convince yourself that you’re the problem, and if you could just get something right, the other person would appreciate you and the relationship would improve. Or, you believe that you somehow deserve the abuse. It may be that staying is easier than ending the relationship, or that the unhealthy environment is comfortable or familiar, perhaps due to an unhealthy upbringing. Example: You know that your long-term romantic relationship isn’t working, and while it causes you great amounts of stress, you’re afraid of ending it. The relationship itself is familiar and predictable, and you’re afraid of the uncertainty of single life.
You avoid people who care about you. If you’re an emotional masochist, you might reject people who provide healthy relationships. You might feel uncomfortable in a genuinely productive or caring relationship, or you might deny yourself the pleasure of a healthy emotional bond, feeling that you’re undeserving, or that it’s better or easier to suffer unhealthy relationships instead. It’s hard for you to see that other people enjoy your company, and that you are valued. Example: You meet someone new at a party and hit it off, but when they invite you to hang out afterward, you turn them down and make no attempt to contact them again, despite your positive experience.
You downplay or negate your personal successes. Whenever something positive happens to you, either by chance or through your own hard work, you focus on the negatives of the situation instead of the achievement. Rather than feel satisfied or accomplished, you convince yourself that the satisfaction is only fleeting, or that you don’t actually deserve good things, often resulting in guilt or depression. But the truth is that you do deserve your success, and you worked hard for it. Example: You land a new and exciting job, but tell yourself that you’re underqualified, or that the hiring committee made a mistake and meant to choose someone else.
You seek out or even cause drama. Emotional masochists often say things just to a get rise out of other people, or even to cause themselves pain or humiliation when other people react negatively. It could be that you find excitement in arguments, or that the dynamic of another person berating or humiliating you is familiar holdover from a particular traumatic childhood experience. Example: While at dinner with your partner and friends, you say something passive-aggressive or unkind about your partner to purposefully make the vibe at the table uncomfortable, or to make someone scold you for your unkind words.
You’re overly self-critical or engage in negative self-talk. For emotional masochists, putting themselves down or criticizing their own actions is a standard way of thinking. There are many possible causes for this, but it could be that you’re imitating a figure from your childhood, like an abusive parent. Or, you might even enjoy being the object of criticism generally, feeling that you’re a martyr, even when that criticism comes from yourself. Example: You accidentally drop and break a glass. Rather than clean up the mess and move on with your day, you scold yourself for being clumsy and thoughtless, and let the incident ruin the rest of your day.
You often deny yourself pleasure of any form. This is known as “gratification inhibition,” or when you forego doing things that would make you happy for no good or apparent reason. It could be that you feel that you don’t deserve them, or that being unhappy is more comfortable than the vulnerability or excitement that comes with pleasure and happiness. This might also take the form of eating disorders or anorexia, as you deny yourself the “pleasure” of food. Example: You have the opportunity to go to a concert for an artist you like—you have enough money for a ticket and your schedule is free—but you decide not to, convincing yourself that it’s a waste of money or that it’s too much effort.
You’re vulnerable to criticism, or easily controlled. As an emotional masochist, you might be overly deferential or too easily accept things that others tell you is true. You internalize criticism, even when it’s overly harsh or outright untrue. You might see it as a way to placate others. Or, your low self-esteem makes it difficult to doubt other people’s negative opinions of you, making you easy to manipulate or frame as a victim. Example: A stranger tells you that they don’t think your art is very good, and you decide to agree or believe them, despite other people telling you how skilled you are.
You prioritize others, even when it hurts you. Emotional masochists often go out of their way to do things for others while also neglecting their own needs. Doing favors or buying things for others is your way of “buying” their acceptance or admiration, especially when those gifts cause you some amount of suffering. And when they express their gratitude, you dismiss their thanks or explain that it wasn’t a problem, negating both your effort and their acknowledgement. Example: You buy your partner an expensive anniversary gift, and when they’re surprised at the price, you dismiss their concern by explaining that you worked a little extra, or ate less, in order to afford it, and it’s really not a big deal—even though it is.
Changing Masochistic Behaviors
Reach out to a friend to help you break your masochistic behaviors. One of the biggest hurdles emotional masochists face is struggling to accept help from others. Overcoming that hurdle is a big step toward overcoming your behavioral patterns. Find a trusted friend or family member to confide in. Often, recognizing and explaining your habits to another person helps you begin to disrupt those habits, especially when you have another person who can help you identify them. When talking to a friend, say something like, “I noticed something about myself lately and I want to make steps to change, and I want someone to help me untangle my thoughts.”
Practice positive self-talk to redirect self-criticism. Any time you catch yourself blaming, criticizing, or just being hard on yourself, stop and recognize that thought as unhelpful. To do this, ask yourself if you would say that out loud to another person that you care about. If you wouldn’t, then it’s unfair to say it to yourself, too. Instead, redirect that thought by thinking about something you do well, or something you can do differently next time in order to grow. For example, if you find yourself scolding yourself for a mistake like forgetting an important date, stop and think, “Everyone forgets things now and then, that doesn’t make me a bad person.” Then, resolve to write down the next important date on a calendar so that you don’t forget it. Also, improve your self-esteem with positive affirmations by writing down a list of things you like about yourself every morning. And, any time you fall into negative thought patterns, interrupt them by repeating an affirmation like, “I’m a good person who deserves love.”
Accept compliments graciously, instead of brushing them off. If you’re an emotional masochist, you probably feel uncomfortable taking a compliment of any kind. You might respond to them with something like, “Oh, it’s nothing,” or even criticize yourself in response. But doing that only hurts your own self-esteem, and makes the other person feel invalidated in the process. Instead, make an effort to take compliments with a smile and a simple, “Thank you!” If you feel the impulse to brush off a compliment, try to think of a way to compliment the other person, instead. This redirects your thoughts to something more positive, and you end up sharing that gratifying feeling. For example, if someone compliments your outfit, say, “Thanks! And I really love your hair.”
Reward yourself for your accomplishments. As an emotional masochist, you might try to shrug off your accomplishments or convince yourself they’re no big deal. But they are, and you deserve them, even if you think you don’t! Rather than thinking, “Oh, that doesn’t matter,” or, “It’s only temporary, anyway,” treat yourself to something nice as a physical reminder that you worked hard, and that your hard work pays off. For example, if you get a good review at work, buy yourself a special coffee or a tasty treat. When your body is rewarded for good work, it’s much harder for your mind to convince itself that you don’t deserve your praise or that praise doesn’t matter.
Talk to a therapist to identify the root causes of your mindset. Psychologists agree that the best treatment for emotional masochism is to see a therapist. A mental health professional will help you explore the causes of your feelings of guilt or unworthiness, which is key to figuring out why you do what you do, then making changes to that pattern of behavior. In addition, a therapist can help you form more positive and healthier relationships. If you're struggling with mental health issues of any kind, contact SAMHSA to be put in touch with a professional mental health advocate.
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