- “New Relationship Energy” (NRE) refers to the excitement of a new intimate relationship. NRE can last a few weeks, or a few years, depending on the relationship.
- Signs of NRE include euphoria, infatuation, intense sexual chemistry, and spending lots of time with a new partner at the expense of other commitments.
- Anyone can experience NRE. But the term is especially popular in polyamory and ethical nonmonogamy (ENM) where people manage multiple relationships at a time.
Definition & Duration
“New Relationship Energy” refers to the thrill of a new relationship. NRE is also called the “honeymoon phase” and describes feelings of excitement, enthusiasm, novelty, and sexual chemistry you experience with a new partner. Anyone can experience NRE, but the term is common in polyamorous and ethically non-monogamous (ENM) communities where people manage multiple relationships at a time. In nonmonogamous communities, NRE describes the excitement of meeting a new partner, in contrast with less intense feelings you may have towards a partner you’ve been with for a long time. Nonmonogamous folks may feel that NRE poses a risk to existing relationships, since it may cause someone to neglect other partners.
NRE lasts from a few weeks to a few years. The exact duration varies between relationships. But inevitably, the novelty of a new relationship wears off as partners get to know each other. Excitement and euphoria give way to more a clear-eyed understanding of each other’s personalities—strengths, flaws, and all. The end of NRE doesn’t automatically signal the end of passion, love, or sexual chemistry. As NRE ends, couples may still grow closer and more committed to each other.
Signs You’re Experiencing NRE
You feel euphoric and “on top of the world.” The “honeymoon phase” of a new relationship causes your brain to release dopamine, giving you an emotional “rush” or “high.” Meanwhile, kissing, touching, and sex increase levels of oxytocin, a.k.a. the “love hormone,” which reinforces the romantic and sexual bonds between you and your new partner. NRE literally changes your brain chemistry, albeit temporarily. Eventually, your dopamine and oxytocin levels will return to normal and the euphoria of NRE will subside. These phenomena can happen to anyone during the early stages of a new relationship, including folks in monogamous relationships.
You constantly think about your new partner. Maybe you think of them 24/7, or maybe you find yourself daydreaming about them while you’re at work. Maybe you smile every time it happens, or you quickly snap out of it and feel embarrassed. Whatever the case, like a love-struck teenager, you can’t get your crush off your mind. If others have pointed out that you seem distracted, you can bet it’s due to NRE.
You text or message them more often than anyone else. You’re constantly texting them just to say hi. Or to flirt. Or to send selfies. Or for no reason at all. But one thing’s for sure: you never leave them on read. If you’re nonmonogamous, you may text them more often than your spouse or long-term partners.
You have intense sexual chemistry with them. When you’re together, you can’t keep your hands off each other. Getting through a whole movie on the couch is impossible. Not that you’re complaining, of course. Nonmonogamous folks experiencing NRE may still have strong sexual chemistry with other partners. But with a new partner, the sex may feel more novel and intense. In some cases, nonmonogamous folks may share certain kinks and interests with a new partner, but not with a long-term partner. This can make the new connection particularly exciting.
You start prioritizing them more than other people in your life. Maybe you keep canceling plans with friends. Or maybe you’ve left your social calendar open in case your new partner is free. Whatever the case, your new relationship is taking up a lot of your free time, while other relationships have taken a back seat. If you have other partners, they might point out that you’ve been spending less time with them lately.
Other people have noticed you acting differently. People who know you well have pointed out that you seem “somewhere else” lately, or that they don’t see you as often as they used to. Or they tease you for constantly talking about your new relationship. They may be jealous or irritated—or they could be sincerely happy for you. For instance, poly and ENM folk may experience feelings of compersion: a sense of pleasure and joy from their partner happy in a new relationship.
You think about them when you’re with other partners (poly/ENM). It’s not that you ignore your other partners—in fact, maybe you even give those partners extra love and attention. But lately, when you’re with them, your new partner pops into your mind. You might think about your new partner during sex or intimate moments with other partners. It could be accidental, like an intrusive thought, or deliberate fantasizing.
What to Do If You’re Experiencing NRE
Enjoy the experience if it makes you happy. New relationships can be exciting. As long as you’re happy and behaving ethically, you should feel free to pursue your new relationship with gusto. Explore your sexuality. Form a new emotional bond. Enjoy the process of getting to know a person intimately. If you’re ENM or poly, make sure you have the full support of your other partners. Don’t pursue the relationship if you’re not happy or feeling uncertain about it. You have a right to enjoy yourself, but it’s not an obligation.
Remember that NRE is temporary. The novelty of your new relationship will wear off over time. You’ll start to see your partner’s faults and quirks more clearly, and they’ll see yours. This is healthy and normal, so don’t be alarmed if the intensity dies down. The end of NRE doesn’t signal the end of a relationship. In fact, it may give way to a deeper connection.
Be realistic about your new partner. No matter how fun, attractive, or great they may seem, they’re human, and so are you. They can’t completely fulfill your needs. You’re also still getting to know each other, so your feelings about each other are bound to change, one way or the other. Poly and ENM folks should keep in mind that a new partner can’t fix problems in current relationships. If you and your other partners are going through a rough patch, your new relationship won’t make things easier.
Stay true to yourself and don’t neglect your own needs. Remember that you have your own passions, hobbies, and professional obligations. If you’re a gym rat, missing workouts to spend time with your partner is not a good idea. Likewise, you should avoid staying up with your new partner until 5:00 AM if it means you’ll be sleepy at work. A new partner should add more to your life, not take away from it. Be wary of NRE causing you to lose touch with what’s most important to you.
Avoid neglecting your other partners (poly/ENM). If you’re married or otherwise emotionally committed to someone, prioritize spending time with them, even as you schedule time with your new partner. If you’re in multiple polyamorous relationships, make sure to devote the same time and energy to each of them as you did before. Every relationship is unique, so be sure to talk to your spouse or partners to find an arrangement that works for everyone. Understand that your other partners may feel jealousy. Talk to them about their feelings and adjust your behaviors as needed—for instance, they may prefer not to hear specific details about your dates with your new partner.
Discuss and respect boundaries with all your partners (poly/ENM). Do this for all your relationships, including with your new partner. Boundaries can include limits on what kinds of dating you do, what information is shared, and rules for safe sex, to name just a few possibilities. Always abide by your partner’s boundaries, and be sure to abide by theirs. It’s never too early to discuss boundaries in a relationship. Feel free to do so with your new partner, even on a first date.
Take a step back from your new relationship if you need to. NRE can be thrilling, but it can also be stressful and nerve-racking. You might be concerned about STIs or feel you’re too busy with work or school. Or you might wonder whether the person you’re dating is right for you. Whatever your concerns, you have every right to put a new relationship on pause or take things slowly if you need to. Taking a pause or slowing down can mean seeing each other less often, being less experimental with sex, or setting any other boundary to give yourself emotional space.
What to Do If Your Partner Is Experiencing NRE
Let them enjoy the experience if you’re comfortable doing so. As long as you feel loved, supported, and secure in your relationship, there’s nothing wrong with letting your partner enjoy themself. You can even show your support by helping them choose outfits for dates or suggesting fun activities to try with their new partner. Your partner’s joy may give you a feeling of compersion: a sense of pleasure from seeing your partner happy.
Handle your negative feelings with maturity. If your partner’s new relationship makes you feel jealous, ask yourself where that jealousy is coming from. For instance, you may feel jealous because your partner is neglecting you. Or your jealousy may come from your own insecurities, or from trauma from a past relationship. Talk to your partner if your negative feelings if those feelings are a result of their behavior. If your feelings are due to personal insecurity, you can still share them with your partner. Be sure to take ownership of those feelings rather than blaming your partner. You can also talk to a friend, therapist, or other trusted person about your feelings.
Be honest with yourself and your partner. If you’re worried that your partner’s NRE could negatively impact your relationship, talk to your partner about it. For example, maybe it bothers you that they text their new partner in front of you, or maybe you’re not comfortable hearing details about their dates. Don’t hide the truth from your partner—or from yourself. Raise your concerns with your partner so that they’re aware of how you feel. This gives them a chance to address your feelings and adjust their behavior as needed.
Respect each other’s boundaries and set new ones as needed. New relationships create new dynamics, which may require new boundaries. For instance, a boundary could be “No going on dates with other people without telling each other” or “No texting other people when we’re together.” Choose boundaries that suit your relationship and leave you both feeling respected and supported. Boundaries can be renegotiated or updated when needed, such as to accommodate new partners or a change in each other’s living situation. Abide by each other’s boundaries and assert them if you feel they aren’t being respected.
Comments
0 comment