What to Say to a Grieving Parent After the Death of Their Son

What to Say When Someone’s Son Dies

General condolences The loss of a child isn’t like any other loss. The grief and guilt can be overwhelming for the parents, and won’t be worked through quickly. Breniman recommends that when you speak to your friends and loved ones about the death of their son, be kind and generous to them, and avoid any mentions of getting over their loss. “I’m so sorry to hear about your loss, I’m wishing you and your family peace during this difficult time.” “Our thoughts and prayers are with you and your family. Please let me know if there’s anything I can do to help.” “I’m so sorry to hear about John’s passing. He never failed to brighten my day when I saw him. I’m here if you ever want to talk.” “Sending you love and power waves. I know that your son will be greatly missed.” “There are no good words. In your grief, I hope you will be able to reach out to me for help and support. I love you.” “I can’t express the depth of sorrow I feel for your loss. Your son’s memory will forever remain in our hearts.” “I am so deeply sorry for the loss of your beloved son. His light touched so many lives, and his memory will continue to shine on.” “No parent should ever have to experience the pain of losing a child. My heart aches for you, and I hope you find strength and love and support in the people around you.” “The loss of a child is a pain that words cannot heal. I offer my heartfelt condolences and hope that the cherished moments you shared will bring you some comfort.” “During this time of profound grief, please know that you are not alone. Your son's spirit will forever remain in the hearts of all who knew and loved him.” “I can’t find words to convey how deeply sorry I am for your loss. Your son’s memory will forever be a reminder of the joy he brought to those around him.” “My heart is breaking for you. Please let me know if you need anything, I want to support you in any way I can.” “Mateo's passing is felt by all who knew him, may you be comforted in the many loving memories you have with him.” “I offer my deepest condolences on the passing of your beloved son. His time with us was too short, but his impact was immeasurable.” “The spirit of your son lives on in the memories and love he shared with other people. My heart aches for you during this time.” “Words cannot express my shock and sadness at hearing that Jaquil has passed. I’m here if you need anything at all.”

Death of a grown son Even if someone is an adult when they die, their parents enter into a complex stage of grief, not like any other. The parents may have to take care of the property, finances, or family of their son, on top of the pain of having outlived a child. Remind your friend of the love you have for their son, and offer concrete support, if you can. “Your son was so incredible, and we all miss him very much. Our family is keeping you in our hearts during this time and would like to support you in any way we can.” “I am so sad to hear about your son’s passing. I know he was incredibly well-loved, and he will be greatly missed.” “Although I didn’t know your son well, I only ever heard the most glowing praise of his kindness, generosity, and compassion. I’m thinking about you and your family during this difficult time, and I’m so happy for the little I got to know of Kai.” “My life is so much better because I knew your son. I hope you know how much of an impact he had on me and his community.” “It was an honor to know your son and be loved by him. I will miss him every single day. I love you, I’m thinking about you, please let me know if I can do anything for you.” “I feel lucky to have had the time I had with your son, and I will always cherish our time together. He will always live in my memory.” “I want you to know that I’m here for you at any time—call me whenever, I’m here to listen, I’m here to support you, anything that you’re comfortable with me doing I would pick up in a heartbeat to ease a little bit of your burden right now.” “Your son was such a light in my life. It always made me happy to see him. I know his students loved him dearly and everyone at the school is going to miss him so much. It won’t be the same without him.” “I can’t imagine the weight of your loss, but please tell me if there is anything I can do to help bear some of the burden.” “I know your family has been having a very difficult time after Joey died. I would love to bring you some dinner this week if that’s okay. I know there are a lot of logistics you have to take care of right now too, I could watch the grandkids any time if you need help.” “Devon loved you all so dearly, it’s no surprise that he came from such a warm, compassionate family. I am so lucky to have known him, even if it was for a short time. I want you to know that I’m here for you if you need anything.” “I will always remember spending the winters with Chris when we were kids. We had such a wonderful time together, no one made me laugh like he did. I’m so grateful for all the memories we have together and how much you all invited me in, as well. I love you guys, and I will miss Chris so so so so much.” “I feel Farzad’s loss as if he was my own son. I think about him when I see the picture frame he made me, I hear his voice when I’m dreaming, I catch glimpses of him in my own children. We will honor his life together, we will find a new way to live. I love you very much.” “My children were so fond of your son, he was so kind and supportive, and we will all miss him dearly.”

Death of a young son When parents grieve the loss of a young child, they also grieve the loss of a long potential life. When speaking to your friends or family about their loss, use their son’s name often, bring up memories of him, ask to look at photos (or bring your own), and be patient with the bereaved. “My heart breaks for you as you mourn the loss of your beloved little Luke. I am here for you, offering support and comfort.” “I offer my deepest condolences for the loss of Will. He will be remembered for his innocence, laughter, and the light he brought into your lives. May cherished memories and surrounding love bring you solace.” “No words can ease the pain of losing a child. I will always remember the way Georgie loved to play with his dog, smear food on his face, and dance. I loved him so dearly. Let me know if there’s anything I can do to help.” “Losing a young son is a grievous loss no parent should endure. May you find peace and strength in the love surrounding you, and may Carlos's spirit guide you through the darkest days.” “I am incredibly sorry to learn about the passing of your beloved young son, Eli. Please know you are in my thoughts and prayers. Lean on the love and support of family and friends as you navigate this painful chapter.” “Although Braden may be gone from our sight, he will never be gone from our hearts.” “May your memories of Justice’s joyous life bring you comfort in the days ahead.” “In the journey of life, some souls shine brighter and leave us too soon. Miguel was one of those souls.” “Our Berry-boy was taken too soon from us. I hope you are comforted knowing that you gave him a wonderful life, and he was very happy in your family.”

Sudden loss of a son People expect to outlive their children, so any death of a child feels sudden and too soon. However, when a child dies in an accident, from suicide, or murder, it’s extremely shocking and upsetting. Your loved one is likely in shock and may have trouble reorienting themselves, even to the point of not being able to access all their emotions. “I was devastated to hear about your sudden loss. Please know that I’m thinking of you and sending you love and strength in this time of grief. “I can’t imagine the pain you’re going through right now. I’m so sorry for your loss. Please take care of yourself, and remember that I’m here for you. “My deepest sympathies go out to you. The unexpectedness of Tony’s death makes it all the more heartbreaking. You are in my thoughts, and I am here to support you in any way I can. “I was shocked and saddened to hear about Rich. No words can ease the pain you must be feeling, but please know I’m here for you, ready to listen or help in any way you need. “I am so sorry for your loss. There are no words that can make this better, but I hope you can find some comfort in knowing that you are surrounded by people who care deeply for you." “My heart goes out to you during this time of unimaginable grief. Please remember that you are not alone, and I’m here to help you through this in any way I can." “I was so sorry to hear about Bodhi. My thoughts are with you and your family during this time. Please reach out if there’s anything I can do to support you.” “I can’t imagine what you’re going through right now, and I’m so sorry for your loss. Please take all the time you need to grieve and know that I’m here for you whenever you need me.” “I am shocked and furious at the world that let Beck be taken away from us. I want to support you in any way I can and have donated to a public safety organization that helps prevent things like these from happening. I am so sorry.” “Bruce’s passing was devastating for everyone, my family is at a loss for words, but we wanted to let you know that we love you, we’re thinking about you, and we will be there for you when you need it.”

Death of an infant son When an infant dies, parents suffer the terrible grief of the death but also may have to deal with the toll pregnancy takes on the body. Ask your friends if you can talk about the baby with them, be there to listen, but also try to take on physical tasks, such as lifting heavy objects, taking them to doctor’s appointments, and making food. “My heart breaks for you as you mourn the loss of your precious baby. Please know that you are not alone, and I am here for you, offering my support and comforting hugs.” “I extend my deepest sympathies for the loss of your infant. Max will forever be remembered for the love and joy he brought into your lives.” “No words can lessen the pain of losing such a young child. My deepest sympathies to you and your family. I hope the memories you made with your precious baby offer some solace.” “I can't fathom the depth of your sorrow as you mourn your baby. My thoughts are with you, and I'm here to offer any support you need.” “My sympathies go out to you and your family for the loss of your beloved infant. Though their life was brief, the love they inspired will endure forever.” “I am so sorry to hear about the passing of your sweet James. May you find strength in the love that surrounds you and comfort in knowing your little one will always be remembered.” Questions to ask: “Did your baby have hair? What color was it?” “What name were you going to pick, and why?” (Stillbirth) “What features of yours did he have?” “How much did he weigh?”

Religious Condolences for the Death of a Son

Christianity If you know your friends or loved ones are religious, it can be kind to mention that in your sympathy note, as well. There are many passages in the Bible that address grief and the death of children that you can include in your message: “For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, neither height nor depth nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord.” Romans 8:38-39 “Brothers and sisters, we do not want you to be uninformed about those who sleep in death, so that you do not grieve like the rest of mankind, who have no hope. For we believe that Jesus died and rose again, and so we believe that God will bring with Jesus those who have fallen asleep in him.” 1 Thessalonians 4:13-18 “Blessed are those who mourn, for they will be comforted.” Matthew 5:4 “There is no pain like losing a child, I hope you can be comforted knowing he is with the angels now.” “May God’s grace fill you with strength and courage to get through this painful journey, I miss Felix so much, but I know he is folded into God’s hands, now.”

Islam In Islam, all children go to Jannah when they die to be taken care of by Ibrahim (AS) and his wife Sara (AS). According to Hadith, children prepare a place in Jannah for their parents and don’t rest until they have been reunited. “We set off, and we came to a verdant garden, in which were all the colors of spring, where there was a man who was so tall that I could hardly see his head in the sky. Around the man was the largest number of children I had ever seen…As for the tall man who was in the garden, that was Abraham. As for the children who were around him, these are all the children who died in a state of fitrah.” Messenger of Allah (SAW) said: “When a person’s child dies, Allah says to His angels, ‘You have taken the child of My slave.’ They say, ‘Yes.’ He says, ‘You have taken the apple of his eye.’ They say, ‘Yes.’ He says, ‘What did My slave say?’ They say, ‘He praised you and said “Innaa Lillaahi wa Inna Ilayhi Raaji’oon (Verily to Allah we belong and unto Him is our return).’ Allah says, ‘Build for My slave a house in Paradise and call it the house of praise.’” Riyad as-Salihin 922, Book 6, Hadith 29 Abu Hassaan said: I said to Abu Hurayrah, “Two sons of mine have died. Will you not narrate to us a hadith from the Messenger of Allah (صلى الله عليه وسلم) that will comfort us in our loss?” He said: “Yes, their children are the little ones of Paradise, and one of them will meet his father – or his parents – and take hold of his garment – or his hand – as I am taking hold of the edge of this garment of yours, and he will not let go until Allah admits him and his father to Paradise.” Sahih Muslim 2635, Book 45, Hadith 198 “Innaa Lillaahi wa Inna Ilayhi Raaji'oon. To Allah we belong and to Him is our return. I know Samy is being taken care of in Jannah, Alhamdulillah that we were blessed with knowing him.” “May Allah grant you peace in your patience. I don’t know why He has asked you to endure such pain, but I hope you can take solace knowing Jordan is playing in the garden, taken care of, and waiting to bring you into Jannah.” “You will see Adnan again, inshAllah, he is waiting for you in Jannah. I can’t imagine the pain you’re enduring right now, but every minute of patience is a minute closer to seeing him again.” “I hope to support you in your grief, the Prophet (SAW) said his grief would crush mountains, and cried for the loss of his son. Allah (SWT) does not want you to hold this pain inside of you, alone. I want to be there for you, to be a shoulder to cry on, an ear to listen. I am so sorry, and inshAllah you will see your son again.”

Judaism When people are very religious, they may be comforted in the reminder that there is an ultimate plan for all things, of which they are a part. While the pain of being a shakhul, a parent who has lost a child, cannot be eased by mere words, there are a few traditional Hebrew sayings that are appropriate to address this loss.. Hamakom y’nachem etchem b’toch sh’ar availai tziyon ee yerushalayim – “May God comfort you among the mourners of Zion and Jerusalem.” Baruch dayan emet — “Blessed is the true judge.” Min haShamayim Tenuhamu – “May you be consoled (or comforted) from Heaven.”

How to Write a Sympathy Card

Offer your condolences. At this stage, there may be no comforting words at all. Let the family know that you’re grieving their loss too—tell them you’re sorry, tell them they’re in your heart.

Share memories. There is no right thing to say in a condolence card because there is no right thing to say after someone has died. However, people usually want their children to be remembered above all else, so consider writing a few strong memories you had with your friend or loved ones’ son. “I’ll never forget the day we went sledding in that ice storm and I was stuck at the bottom of the hill for hours. Tom had to haul me up with an extension cord he tied to the garage door. I just remember him laughing and laughing as I kept falling down.” “The first day I met Callum, he was missing all four of his front teeth. It was a miracle they grew in straight.” “He was such a fast swimmer. That one year, we’d go swimming in the reservoir after work every day, and he always beat me to the other side, without fail. I taught him to skip rocks out there, and we’d just lay in the water and skip rocks and try not to hit each other.”

Speak from the heart. It can be very difficult to find something to say, but that’s okay. There are no good words, and if you can’t find any, then just say that. Your message doesn’t have to be long—what’s most important is letting the parents know you’re there and you care about them, according to Breniman. “I am so shocked, I can’t think of anything that I could say, but I want you to know that I’m here for you, and I’ll be checking in on you regularly to see if you need any help.”

Offer help and support. Your friends or loved ones are dealing with the emotional toll of losing a child, but also the material burdens of everyday life. Let them know that you’re there to shoulder some of the weight as they begin grieving.

How to Support a Grieving Parent

Be present for them. When your son dies, it can feel like your whole life is falling apart. To help ease the burden on your loved one, consider doing things for them without asking. Offer to help them with the memorial service or funeral rites, bring them food, clean their house, take care of their other children or pets.

Let them know you’re there to listen to them. Your loved one may not want to talk immediately, but letting them know that you’re available for them can still be impactful as they grieve. Breniman explains that there is no right thing to say after the death of a child; there are no words to truly soothe what has happened. Since you can’t say “the right thing,” focus on speaking to your heart. Even if you fumble, the bereaved will see you making the effort.

Remember their child often. Parents want their children to be remembered—even after someone has died, their relationships with other people remain. Breniman says to respect and honor your relationship with the deceased by sending his parents sympathy notes on his birthday and religious occasions (if the family celebrates). Sharing a memory in these cards can be incredibly touching. If you can, write about something you used to love to do with their son, or something about him that you really admired or cared about.

Respect that there is no “getting over it.” When you see someone grieving, you may have the urge to help them “get over it.” However, once someone has died, especially a child, there is no going back to the way things were before, Breniman explains. Focus on supporting your loved one in their grief, not trying to convince them that things will get better quickly.

Participate in remembrance projects the family may have set up. Families who have lost children will often try to help other people in their child’s situation. For example, if a child dies of cancer, the family may ask for their community to donate to local cancer centers. If you can, donate to a mutual aid group to help other people and their families.

How to Celebrate Someone’s Life

Remember them often. Your relationship with someone doesn’t end at their death. You are made of the negative space left by the presence of others—there is something in you that was created, and was the person who has died. Look for them in your own actions, remember their impact on your life, and speak to other people about them.

Do things they loved with other people. Breniman spoke with us about his own experience with death: “I took my partner and I horseback riding because he's never been on horseback, and my mom used to love it. So I said, this is for my mom, but I'm introducing it to someone that she'll never meet.” By introducing other people to the deceased, you keep their memory alive.

Check in with other people who were important to them. Grief is very personal, but it doesn’t have to be done alone. Other people are missing your friend, your child, your parent, your spouse, your loved one, your colleague—talk with them about the good times, cry with them when it’s too painful, and be grateful for the time you all got to share together.