'But I didn’t cheat on my husband'

Ruchi* (names changed on request) and Prateet had nothing in common: She came from a middle-class background, he was a diplomat’s son, she was 27, him 19, she a housewife, him a student. They had met at a salsa class: Her husband – a high-profile life insurance agent didn’t have the luxury of time and definitely not for dancing – and Prateet’s NBA type friends would much rather be dead than caught dancing. The result was them joining alone and being “partnered” with each other.

It all started pretty simply… He joked and called her “aunty,” she scoffed and declared he had much growing up to do. Their conversations were mostly about that day’s practice, the next lessons and who was the best dancer in class. Till one day the class ended earlier and they ended up having coffee and talking other things. He discussed his drug rehab stint, she spoke about missing her parents, he spoke about peer pressure and what professional college to join, she spoke about wanting a job…

From being dancing partners by chance, the two became friends. He felt she was “very cool for her age”, she felt protective about a “youngster in the big, bad world.” Her husband was out of town most of the time and wasn’t around much when he was in town either. They started having more coffees together even on days there was no class, watching movies together, even going shopping. Soon they were calling each other on the phone and talking too. No one had touched the other and no one had tried either, it was just camaraderie. The more Ruchi shared with Prateet, the lesser she felt her husband’s absence.

Their friendship progressed harmlessly, except that the husband noticed she was on the phone a lot and steadily grew suspicious. Then she fell ill for a week and didn’t turn up at the dance class. One night – as she lay sedated – her phone beeped and the husband read the message. It said, “I miss you Ruchi, all our talks, dancing with you… Get well soon. Miss our time together.Prateet.” All hell broke loose.

Next morning the husband accused Ruchi of having an affair. Ruchi denied it, cried there was nothing physical and insisted she was “just friends”. The husband however insisted that an “emotional attachment” with another man was as good as cheating on him…

Ruchi was shattered: She had don’t nothing wrong and yet her husband felt cheated and said she had betrayed him. "But I didn't cheat on my husband... How was it an affair?" was all she could say. She didn’t know what to do.

Before you read the NEXT PAGE, let us know what YOU think:

1. Is an emotional involvement with another cheating on your partner?

2. Can you “cheat” without having sex?

3. Was Ruchi’s friendship with Prateet, wrong?

NEXT PAGE >>> “But you don’t talk as much with me…?”

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Ruchi’s case is not the only one. Today when the world is in your bedroom through your computer monitor and men and women are sharing entire days in offices, more people are becoming “friends” with each other. There is a very thin line between being friends and an “emotional affair” and more often than not, the lines are blurred.

It happens pretty much the same way – you meet someone at work, you start chatting with a stranger on the Net, or meet an old flame or friend, even get to know someone from a far-off land – find common interests and perhaps even empathy and over time, you come “closer” to them. In other words, you get “intimate” without necessarily getting physical.

Shared drinks and coffee-time after work, going shopping – even if it’s taking your “friend” shopping for their partner’s Valentine’s Day gift – sharing fears, dreams and aspirations… All fall under the category of “being friends” and yet, if you don’t share the same comfort levels with your partner and are in any way hiding your attachment to another, it’s an emotional affair.

There is a rush in talking to the person and sharing your deepest thoughts and secrets and since such an association does not come with the problems of a “real” relationship – no fights, no bills to pay, no in-law trouble, no crying baby at night – you begin feeling more comfortable with your “friend” than with your spouse or long-term partner.

New York psychiatrist Dr Gail Saltz points out that often such friendships have an element of sexual attraction too, often not acknowledged by the people involved in it. More often than not, people don’t even acknowledge that they ARE having an affair. The justification being: If it is not physical, it is not an affair. However, Dr Saltz points out that an affair is all about secrecy and betrayal, where intimacies are shared with an outsider than with your partner/spouse.

And yet, with 12-hour work shifts, more interaction with the world and perhaps lesser time between couples to “talk”, is it possible to not make friends with the opposite sex? Healthy interactions between the opposite sex – coupled or single – are to be encouraged. Yet, how does one differentiate when it’s just friendship and when it is an affair?

It’s all got to do with what you are sharing and what you are holding back, according to Dr Saltz. She gives some basic pointers when differentiating between a healthy friendship and idea-exchange from an emotional affair:

1. Are you (or your spouse) keeping meetings and conversations on the sly?

2. Are you concealing how much time you spend together?

3. Are you turning to someone else for emotional needs?

4. Are you worried about getting “caught”?

If the answers those questions are ‘yes’, then your association has crossed the realms of friendship and is an affair.

NEXT PAGE >>> How to save your marriage...

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The biggest danger in emotional affairs comes from the fact that people are in denial they’re having an affair: They deny it to their partners and they deny it to themselves. “But I didn’t do anything”, is a common refrain when questioned about such a “friendship”.

As for the partner/spouse having to deal with another’s emotional closeness to an outsider, things only get worse with time. The partner/ spouse on the other starts feeling more uncomfortable with your increased closeness to your friend. Often, partners/ spouses begin feeling “excluded” from your life and find their position threatened.

It’s natural for the other to feel so: You get into a relationship or a marriage to have someone for life and here you are sharing that part of your life with an outsider. No one likes to feel like a substitute or made to feel they aren’t doing enough or don’t fulfill your needs.

Also the threat of an emotional affair culminating into a physical one is real. As Dr Saltz says, “About half of such emotional involvements do eventually turn into full-blown affairs, sex and all.” Remember Neena Gupta’s Saans: Kanwaljeet’s character starts out being friends with Manisha, but things eventually did get physical and the Neena-Kanwaljeet marriage was on rocks. For a long while – in the serial and in real life – people involved in such an affair deny calling it so. “But I didn’t DO anything”, being the common refrain. And when people deny something exists, it becomes doubly tough getting them out of such an association.

For those who are interested in getting their relationship/marriage back, the first step is acknowledging you ARE having an affair, albeit an emotional one. After that, as Dr Saltz’s points out, it is about treat an emotional affair it like a classic affair. The only way to save your relationship/marriage is to break off all ties immediately. You cannot “remain friends”.

If it’s a workplace affair, keep interactions strictly professional. If it’s an ex-flame, remember why they’re an ‘ex’ in the first place and keep them there: In your past. If you feel your current relationship does not give you everything you want, it’s more prudent to either sit down and talk things out with your partner or going to a relationship counselor to sort things out. The idea is to channel your energies towards making your relationship/marriage work rather than seeking out another who fills the lacuna.

What one has to remember is that people often forgive a sexual affair with another… But the scars left by an emotional affair are far tougher to heal. If at all you want your marriage/relationship to last, know how to preserve it. Crying over spilt milk – or a broken marriage/relationship – later will not go good for anyone.

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