What is it like to be in a homosexual throuple in India?
For Hyderabad-based Anil and Sandipan, who founded Mobbera Foundation that works for LGBTQ+ rights, a polyamorous relationship brought its own set of challenges. However, love always finds a way. Although they continue to bear the brunt of harsh comments and indecent enquiries from people, they know that including Gaurav in their lives has only made their love multiply manifold.
“In a country where homosexual love is not still fully accepted, I can understand the resistance to the idea of three men in a polyamorous relationships. However, polyamoury is not wrong or unnatural. In India, we have examples of several gods and goddesses who had multiple partners. So the concept is not new. However, the level of awareness is still low and we are trying to educate others about this kind of relationship. We three are in a loving consensual relationship and no one is being cheated on,” says Anil.
According to Rachel Hope, a polyamoury educator, polyamory is the practice of, or desire for, intimate relationships with more than one partner, with the consent of all partners involved. Some of the core tenets of polyamory include treating relationships with other people in an ethical and responsible way.
That is why, when Anil realised that his feelings for Gaurav went beyond the confines of friendship, he decided to open up to his partner of seven years, Sandipan. However, untangling and understanding those feelings took some time. For Anil, who had been in monogamous relationships all his life, his feelings for Gaurav gave rise to intense mental conflict.
CONFLICTING FEELINGS
Anil started talking with Gaurav through social media while collaborating on a project for Mobbera Foundation. “We started having long conversations regarding our work. We began liking each other, although I did not know if it was love. I was already in a relationship and was not comfortable with my budding feelings for Gaurav. I shared my predicament with a few friends and also started learning about polyamoury. It was a different journey throughout which I kept asking myself if I can be in love with two persons at the same time.”
“As time went by, Gaurav and I realised that we love each other in a way which the society might not understand. It is not only for sexual gratification as many might think. It goes much beyond that,” adds Anil, who has been instrumental in creating safe spaces for the queer community in Hyderabad. However, he was yet to address the most difficult part of the new development – breaking it to Sandipan, his long-time partner.
TAKING IT IN HIS STRIDE
“Initially, the news was heartbreaking in many ways,” says Sandipan. Being a public speaker, he was wary about society’s opinions. “I had no awareness about polyamoury and when Anil talked to me about Gaurav, it was pretty shocking for me. Life was going a certain way and it took a new turn with a new person joining us. I was not sure how people would look at it. I realised that many comments would be directed towards Gaurav because he is the third person. People know Anil and me for a long time and if something went wrong, they would pin the blame on the new person,” he adds.
Sandipan had met Gaurav during a vaccination drive even before Anil had met the latter. “I knew Gaurav already and liked him. I asked for some time from both of them to think things over. I started meeting Gaurav more and things fell into place slowly. It was not easy sharing Anil with someone else, but things are much better now. I knew that they are both mature persons and had the capability to make this work,” shares Sandipan, who has been a LGBTQ+ rights activist for more than six years now.
THE UNCONVENTIONAL ROUTE
Gaurav, who came into contact with Sandipan and Anil through Mobbera Foundation, had no idea that they were in a relationship. “When I met Sandy (Sandipan), I did not know that he was in a relationship with Anil. I had taken a liking to him and later, I started interacting with Anil through social media. I knew them as the founders of Mobbera Foundation. I was fond of both of them and came to know about their relationship later. It was shocking revelation for me. Eventually, Anil confessed his feelings for me. Our main priority was Sandy and we were worked about how he was going to react,” shares Gaurav.
Relationship wrecker, the other person — these are a few of the names that Gaurav has been given. He explains how the experience was traumatic in the early days. With time, he turned a deaf ear towards them. “I stopped thinking about the remarks. I accepted my love for two of them,” says Gaurav.
CHALLENGES IN A POLYAMOROUS RELATIONSHIP
Making a decision becomes tougher in a throuple as you have to now accommodate another person’s wishes, says Sandipan. Therefore, effective communication is the key. Also, breaking stereotypes about such relationships is another responsibility the throuple has to shoulder.
“Whenever we have tried to explain our love, many have interpreted it as a threesome. We have to work towards not allowing public opinion take a toll on us,” he adds. In some cases, the green-eyed monster, too, can rear its head. “We all have our insecurities in a relationship. Again, it is up to us how we keep jealousy at bay and ensure that all partners feel valued equally,” shares Anil.
Making enough time for each also becomes tougher in these cases. “We are lucky that we can bond through the work that we do for our foundation. We try doing them together, which ensures that we spend time with each other,” adds Anil. And sometimes, some practical arrangements have to be made for the new partner. “For many years, Sandy and I have celebrated our anniversary on his birthday, but now we are moving the celebrations to another date so that Gaurav, too, can be part of it,” he adds.
ALL FOR LOVE
Anil has no contact with his family for the past five years. Sandipan’s family has an inkling about his sexuality, but they did not have the talk yet. Gaurav came out to his parents nine months ago and was not accepted by his parents. While his mother is making efforts to understand her son, his father has refused to talk to talk to him.
“At the end of the day, I am always looking for love. When I see Sandy and Gaurav interacting with their families, I realise what I have lost. I do not have contact with any relatives for the past 25 years. I need love. That is why, if I find a source of love in another person other than my partner, I want to embrace it. However, it should not come at a cost of hurting someone. Both my partners are equally important to me,” says Anil.
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