How to Avoid Gaslighting Children

Reacting without Judgment

Avoid trivializing or denying the child's feelings or needs. Let's say that the child comes to you concerned about something. Think about how you react. Do you ever ignore, deny, or trivialize what they say as incorrect or unimportant? Even if you don't realize it, this can hurt your child's self esteem and trust in you. For example, if your child says that you promised to take them school supply shopping, and you say, "No, I didn't," this can make them confused, and may cause them to doubt their own memory. Or if your younger sibling gets scared of a barking dog, and you say "You're going to get scared of a dog? Really?" then they're likely to feel even more anxious and uneasy, instead of comforted.

Steer clear of viewing the child as overly sensitive or weak. Treating a child like they're too sensitive usually makes things worse, not better. The world can be a scary and overwhelming place to a child. Children rely on adults for comfort when they're upset, and this helps them feel more secure as they get older. Avoid using words like, "Suck it up" or "Stop being so sensitive." This denies a child's feelings, and makes them feel unsupported. "Tough love" alone can result in an anxious, alienated child. Even if you have to discipline your child, give them lots of love and kindness throughout the day. This helps give them a sense of stability, which can grow into a sense of strength as they grow up. By providing emotional support and stability in your child's life, they are more likely to trust you and others. They are more likely to act with kindness and respect for others.

Focus on reinforcing the child’s positive behavior. Encouragement and positivity can help a child flourish. Even if the child is fearful of something, do not criticize them for it. Make sure to encourage them to find healthy ways to overcome their fears, and build confidence. Adapt expectations as needed. For example, if your child joins soccer, but discovers that they hate it, don't keep pushing them to become a soccer star. Let them find a new dream. Encourage their strengths. Notice what your child is good at, and encourage it. For example, if you notice that your child loves to draw, then bring them sketchbooks and colored pencils, and praise their artwork. Encourage independence skills. See if your child can handle things on their own, like opening a tricky jar or managing a friendship conflict. Let them try it themselves. If they can do it, praise them, and if they're getting frustrated, ask if they'd like help. Talk about good coping skills. Your child may not know how to deal with big emotions. Help them learn strategies, like talking about it, writing in a journal, or getting exercise.

Don't expect a child to act like an adult. Let's say you have plans to visit relatives for the holidays, and you're planning to take your children for the visit. There may be different expectations among you and your family about how children should behave. Remember that kids are not at the same developmental stage as adults. Make sure to allow children to be children. Recognize that children get more tired, irritable, and bored than adults do. They may be less apt to sit quietly or handle long stretches of time in a car. When they are upset, focus on addressing their most common concerns—feeling hungry, being angry, feeling lonely, or being tired. Pay attention to the possible reasons behind their behavior. Instead of saying "Calm down and stop fidgeting," try saying "What's bothering you?"

Remember that children have bad days sometimes. Kids get cranky. Kids get frustrated. Kids get tired. Sometimes, they act out. This is par for the course, and you don't need to get too upset about it. Kids are allowed to get upset, and it doesn't mean that you're doing a bad job looking after them.

Respond with understanding rather than anger. Be patient with the child as much as possible. While you may get upset from time to time with a child, be self-aware of how often this happens and understand under what circumstances. When you're upset and unable to control your anger, consider stepping away for a minute and breathing deeply. This can help to calm down your mind before you react. Try to become more aware of your emotions as well to avoid letting them get the best of you. If you notice that you are feeling stressed, take a few minutes to yourself to calm down. Be willing to say sorry. Children aren't perfect, and neither are parents. And that's okay. If you responded in an angry way, apologize and make sure your child understands that anger is not a solution to a problem.

Don't jump to the conclusion that the child is wrong. Sometimes, a child might say something that doesn't match what you remember or notice. Don't automatically assume that you are right and they are wrong. Instead, acknowledge that they could be right, and work on figuring things out. If your child says "You said we could go to the park today" but you don't recall that promise, say "I don't remember that conversation" instead of "I never said that." If your child says "Look, there's a puppy!" and you see no dog, say "I don't see the puppy" instead of "There's nothing there." (It may turn out that the dog just wasn't in your line of sight.) Be kind if your child does turn out to be wrong. For example, if your child thinks they saw a puppy but it was a goat, you could say "Actually, that's a goat! But it does look kind of like a puppy, so I can understand why you thought it was one." This helps them understand that it's okay to be wrong, and it's not something to worry about.

Label and honor their feelings, even if you don't do what they want. It helps to acknowledge, label, and talk about what your child is experiencing. You can validate their feelings even while you set the rules. For example, "I know you're upset about leaving the park. It's no fun to go when you want to stay and play. Because it's getting late, we need to go home so we have time to eat supper. Do you want sweet potato fries or corn with our chicken?" Or, "I know you want to keep playing video games. It's fun to play games. Too much screen time is bad for you, and you hit your two-hour limit, so it's time to be done. If you don't know what to do, I can give you a few ideas, or you could fold laundry with me."

Be empathetic if you don't understand. Sometimes, your child may be upset and you have no idea why. Instead of labeling your child as difficult or fussy, do your best to understand why they are so upset in the first place. Offer compassion and reassurance, even if you have no idea what the problem is. Ask questions. "You're frowning and kicking the dirt. Is something wrong?" Young children and children with special needs may especially struggle to communicate problems, or be upset by things that wouldn't bother you. Be patient and do your best to understand.

Providing a Nurturing Environment

Avoid giving off emotional mixed messages. Children need consistency and stability. Avoid making them feel smothered with love one minute, and then the worst children in the world the next. It can make a child question who they are, and start to believe that there is something fundamentally wrong with them. Take note of your emotions. Do you feel out of control with your emotions sometimes? Make sure to get help for yourself if it seems like your most common responses are filled with negativity or anger. While it's okay to have feelings, your feelings shouldn't become the child's problem. Take responsibility for your difficult feelings and try to be fair regardless of how upset you feel.

Help to boost the child's self-esteem. If you're feeling low or down on yourself, it can be hard to help encourage others and boost their confidence. Children rely on adults to learn confidence and self esteem. Find time each day to make the child feel special. Focus on saying one good and positive thing to your child each day that helps to boost their self-esteem. Give a warm hug to your child. Make them feel protected. A child is more likely to feel confident if they feel secure and protected by you.

Be a role model for the child. Children look up to you. Your behavior teaches them how to behave. Teach them how to respect others by being a role model yourself. Think about how you wish you were treated. Demonstrate in your actions as often as you can. If your child is present, be particularly aware that they may watching your actions. For example, smile and say hello to people you encounter at the store or in public. Show your positive and kind self. Teach them it's okay to be wrong. Children have less maturity and understanding, and may take things literally. If you criticize a child for being lazy, stupid, clumsy, etc., then the child may start believing that they really are those things. For example, instead of saying "I can't believe you spilled your cup again! You're so clumsy!" you could say "Don't worry, honey. It's just some spilled juice. Let's clean it up together." Make them feel like they can trust you with their concerns. A role model makes a child feel welcome rather than anxious. For example, be engaged in conversation with them when they're talking. Show that you're interested and actively listening. By avoiding distractions and maintaining focus, you can build their trust.

Take time to listen closely to them. Show interest in what your child likes, and pay close attention to what they have to say (even if they're saying something you don't like). This shows the child that you take their voice and opinions seriously, even when you disagree with them.

Avoid showing resentment or anger about the child's behavior. While this may be tough, it's important to be patient as much as you can. Children look to you for comfort, and may feel disillusioned or scared if you react with resentment or anger. A parent-child relationship is uneven rather than equal. A child depends on you to survive, to feel safe, and to feel loved. If you say or do things to manipulate the relationship in your favor, a child is very vulnerable to this form of control. Investigate unusual behavior, instead of criticizing it. For example, if your child seems hesitant to go to a birthday party, don't say "I don't know why you're so worried! It'll be fun. You should be grateful you can go." Instead, try "You seem kind off nervous about this party. Is there some reason you're not looking forward to it?" This gives the child an opportunity to talk about it. After they open up, ask how you can make it easier for them. If you express frustration too harshly, apologize. For example, "I'm sorry. That was rude of me to speak to you that way. I'm just feeling a little frustrated. I'm sorry I took it out on you. And I'm ready to be a good listener, now, if you want to tell me what's wrong." Labeling your own behavior helps the child not take it personally.

Provide reassurance, to reduce self doubt. If your child constantly feels wrong or not good enough, they are likely to have lower self-esteem and have more difficulty with relationships with others. Help to build their social skills by providing love, support, and reassurance. Offer words of encouragement and praise. Focus on making the child feel good about what they are doing, rather than only focusing on what they do wrong. Consider saying things like, "I know it's been a tough day, but I believe in you" or "I know you can do it. You've done such a great job before." When a child feels confused or begins to doubt something that you said, offer an apology. Instead of telling them that they're wrong or misheard you, say things like, "I'm sorry for the confusion" or "I think we just misheard each other. It's okay."

Behaving Well Under Stress

Act the way you'd like the child to behave when they're stressed. It's normal to feel frustrated, annoyed, or at the end of your rope from time to time. Dealing with kids isn't always easy! You don't have to lock up your feelings altogether. Instead, try to process them in healthy ways instead of taking them out on other people. For example, maybe you're working on teaching the child to take deep breaths and say "I'm upset" when they're mad. If they see you get mad, then let them see you take deep breaths and say "I'm upset."

Try explaining your feelings clearly and gently. Without blame or name-calling, name the feeling you're experiencing right now. Then, respectfully name the reason. If the kid knows exactly what's going on, they don't have to wonder. Here are some examples: "I'm just sad today because I miss my brother. You didn't do anything wrong." "I feel frustrated right now because I just spent a lot of time cleaning the kitchen and now it's a mess again. I worked hard on it." "Sorry for not listening. I'm distracted because I'm worried about Fido being sick. I know you're worried about him too." "I'm kind of stressed because work was hard today."Tip: If you're noticeably upset about something that isn't your kid's fault, then tell them it isn't their fault. This lets them know they don't have to worry about whether they did something wrong.

Try asking your kid for help or advice if it's appropriate. Kids aren't ready to handle big adult problems. But depending on their maturity level, they might be ready to help with the small stuff. Try asking them for ideas or a helping hand. They may feel better if they feel helpful. It may even help them learn something meaningful. For example: "Do you have any ideas for what I could do when I miss my brother?" "Fixing the kitchen would help me feel a lot better. Could we clean together?" "When we worry about someone we love, it helps to show them how much we love them. Would you like to help me do something fun with Fido so he can have an extra good day?" "Maybe something fun will help me move on from my work stress. What do you think would be fun for me? Should we go to the park together or play with the cats?"

Take a break if you're too upset to handle things. Sometimes, everything seems like too much. You may be too overwhelmed to organize your feelings into polite sentences. If so, say "I need to take a break to calm down." Then step away and take some deep breaths. Awful days happen. Sometimes, a screen is a better babysitter than an adult who's at the end of their rope. It's okay to put a movie on and tend to your emotional needs. Once you're calmer, you'll be a better caregiver to them, so it's a win-win.

Finding Healthy Ways to Reduce Stress

Be self-aware of your unmet needs. Parenting or working with children isn't always easy. Sometimes you may feel like you're overwhelmed and frustrated. One important way to avoid being stressed over children is to take care of your own emotional needs. Do you feel loved and appreciated, or hurt, neglected, and disrespected? If you're feeling unhappy with yourself and your needs, then you may have a harder time providing guidance to your children. Understand how your current work, family, and emotional situation is impacting your health and well-being. Think about if you have felt this way for a long time, or just more recently. By being in touch with yourself, you're less likely to gaslight your children.

Seek help from friends, family, and your community. Avoid parental or caregiver burnout. Connect with friends, family, babysitters, or other community supports when you need some time to yourself. When you have time to yourself, use it to relax rather than just to deal with other problems. Set aside time to exercise, relax, spend time with friends, or whatever helps you feel refreshed. Consider having regular dates with your partner or spouse, away from your children. Block off four hours of time each week to get away from the responsibilities of being a parent. Keep these times consistent each week so that you're less apt to change your plans frequently.

Find professional support if you're struggling. This is especially important for single parents, who have a lot of different tasks to handle. You don't have to face your struggles alone. Reach out to professionals at school and through counseling centers. They may have resources and strategies that make it easier for you. Consider meeting with your child's school counselor about resources to help with parenting. Talk openly about any concerns that you may have regarding your child and what stressors you're facing. Identify counselors that focus on families and children. There may be low-cost therapy options in your area to help you and your child communicate more effectively with each other. Many counseling centers take insurance or offer sliding scale fees.

Focus on the good parts of your relationship with the child. You'll mess up sometimes, and that's totally normal and acceptable. Just remember that you are doing the best you can and every parent makes mistakes sometimes. One tiny parenting mistake isn't going to throw your child into emotional turmoil for the rest of their lives. The important thing is that you identify the mistakes you make and that you do what you can to fix them. Keep learning from your mistakes, acknowledging your imperfections, and being the best you can be.