How to Be a Side Chick

Understanding Expectations

Keep the situation to yourself. It is important to keep the relationship as much of a secret as possible. Ideally, only you and your partner should know about the relationship. Your closest friend may find out about it, but try to avoid telling anyone else about your status as a side chick. Do not tag your partner on social media, and do not invite the person to holiday gatherings or vacations. It may be tempting to tell people about your relationship—especially if feelings get involved. Decide if you are willing to maintain a relationship that can’t be celebrated with friends and family.

Expect plans to change. Understand that your partner has a significant other that they have to put first. It is likely that your partner will go to great lengths to keep their partner from finding out about you, so expect plans to change at the spur of the moment. You might have plans for dinner, but your partner may cancel at the last minute if their significant other needs them. It will not help to express frustration over canceled plans. Canceled plans will probably be a common occurrence.

Don’t ask about where the relationship is going. Your partner has not left their significant other for a reason. There could be many reason for this. For example, your partner may have built a life with their partner that would be difficult to get out of. Or, your partner wants a future with their significant other and just wants to be with you for a fun and relaxing time. Avoid asking about where the relationship is going. You may be disappointed with the answer. If you do want to be in a relationship with a future, consider moving on to someone that can put you first.

Focus on your time with your partner. Try not to think about the past or future. Focus on the present. Enjoy the time you have with your partner. When you are apart, don’t think about or ask what is going on with them.

Avoid falling in love. It is completely natural to develop feelings for someone that you are having a romantic relationship with. Falling in love, however, will likely end up in heartache. Try to keep your feelings light, even if it seems difficult to do. Feelings can’t be controlled, but make an effort to not fully invest in the relationship. If you do fall in love, bring it up to your partner. If they react negatively, it may be best to move on. You can tell them, “I think I’m starting to develop strong feelings for you. Do you feel the same? If not, how do you feel about what I’ve just said?”

Maintaining Boundaries

Give your partner space. Don’t always be the first to text or seek them out. The person likely doesn't want to have more than one main significant other. They already have one, and your role is to be something different. You should be a person they come to for a good time. Give your partner breathing room when you are not together. Go out with your friends. Have a good time. Don't worry about checking in with them every five minutes, or they will start to think you want something more.

Keep things interesting. When he texts you, keep the conversation interesting. A side chick's main responsibility is to keep things fun and exciting. Giving him short answers and acting uninterested will make him wish he were doing something else, or even just hanging out with his main partner. Tell them funny stories. Ask how they are feeling. Surprise them with plan for something to do. Try to maintain a positive attitude. An escape from reality is likely a large part of why your partner is with you.

Don't ask questions. Consider your time together as the only time that your partner is your business. You shouldn’t ask questions like "Where were you?" or "Why didn’t you call me?" and "Why are you always so busy?” if you expect to keep the relationship going. These are not your concerns. You got yourself into this situation, and there's no point in acting jealous or surprised when you already knew the score getting into it. Jealousy will only make the situation more difficult for both parties involved.

Don't expect to spend holidays with your partner. If the person cares enough, they might celebrate these events with you the day before or after, but for the most part, don’t expect anything like a gift or acknowledgment. These days are usually saved and reserved for the main partner. It may be safe to text him to wish them a happy New Year/Christmas/birthday, but a phone call should not be made. Do not try to contact them on Valentine’s Day.

Considering Implications

Be safe when it comes to sexual matters. Your partner is likely still having sexual relations with their significant other. They may or may not be using protection with their main partner. If you are having sexual relations with them, make sure to be safe. Use contraceptives that work best for you. Get tested immediately if you fear that your sexual health is at risk. Ask your partner if they have a history with STDs. This may be a sensitive topic to bring up, but it’s an important one. Ask if they have ever been tested for sexually transmitted diseases. If they say no, ask if they would be willing to be tested. You can offer to be tested with them.

Anticipate getting caught. Most cases of cheating get found out eventually. Don’t be surprised if your partner ends their relationship with you suddenly, or if you are contacted by their main partner. Go into the relationship knowing that you will eventually be found out, and it can’t last forever. Decide how you will react if you are caught. Do not react in a disrespectful manner if you are contacted by their main partner. Their significant other is probably feeling hurt and betrayed, and it is not their fault that they have been cheated on.

Realize who you may be hurting. It’s very unlikely that all parties will leave the situation without being hurt. You, your partner, and their significant other will probably be very hurt when the situation is revealed. Decide if you are willing to hurt yourself and other people. Understand that you may be playing a role in breaking up a relationship or family.

Consider the future. Is this relationship a fling that is not meant to last long, or is it something that you want to maintain for as long as possible? It is important to stay in the present while with your partner, but at some point, you have to consider your future. Think about where you would like to see yourself in the next stage of your life. If it is not as a side chick, then it is best to end the relationship. Keep in mind that if the situation comes out, it could hurt your career (if the person is a coworker) and your relationships with friends and family.

Get out if you're not happy. A secretive relationship will take an emotional toll on you eventually. Do not stay in the situation if you begin to feel unhappy. Your well-being comes first. Express to your partner that you are unhappy and would like a change. If they do not offer a solution, don’t stick around with the hope that things will improve. Something you can say to your partner is “I’m starting to feel uncomfortable in this situation, and I’m not as happy as I used to be. Is there anything we can do to solve this problem, or is it better that I move on?”