Deepening Your Friendship
Focus on the person, not their intellect. If someone is very intelligent, chances are that others often focus only on the person’s intellect. Remember that your friend is just that—a friend and not a brain. Paying close attention to your friend and every aspect of her personality can help you enjoy spending time together and strengthen your friendship. Be aware that individuals with higher IQs often have fewer friends and may have social anxiety. Because of this, you may want to focus on your friend in part by just doing things together without other people. Remember that it’s acceptable to acknowledge your friend’s intellect, just don’t make it the center feature of your time together. Instead, consider doing activities and talking about things that you both enjoy. Avoid believing stereotypes about your intelligent friend. She might not be as lively as your other friends, but that doesn’t mean that she is like a stiff, intelligent character from a television show, either. Try to remember you're intelligent too, and while your intelligent friend might blow you off the map in her chosen field of expertise she is still a person. Out of her element, she is just as likely as you to make stupid blunders, get confused, and need some guidance, after all she is only human. And what human doesn't need help from a good friend from time to time.
Have meaningful exchanges. Talking is an important part of any friendship. It can make a person feel seen, appreciated, and supported. This is no different for someone who is intelligent. Keep chats and conversations with your intelligent friend going and incorporate subjects you both enjoy or issues either of you might be experiencing. Be sure to listen intently to what your friend says and likes to discuss. This lets your friend know that you care about and are engaged in matters important to her life. Make sure your conversations are a mix of lighthearted and serious topics. They may also be intellectual or completely silly. No person can have serious or intellectual conversations all the time and your friendship might be a great outlet for your friend’s sillier side. For example, if your friend mentions a funny TV show, ask about it and think of other shows that you can compare to it. Remember to follow up any statements your friend makes with questions or a comment to show that you’re paying attention and care about the person.
Shift the focus from your friend’s intellect. When someone is very smart or has a high IQ, the person may find that others only focus on that part of his or her personality. Remember that people are multifaceted and have many things to offer beyond intellect or other traits. Instead of focusing on your friend’s brainpower, forget about it. You can turn your attention to other things such as the person’s great sense of humor or activities both of you do. Not only does this keeps a conversation going, but it shows your friend that your interest is in more than his or her intellect. Think about your friend’s personality before you meet the person. Ask yourself what other traits the person has and find ways to focus on these in your conversations. For example, you could say, “You’re such an adventurous eater! How do you not get squeamish? Would you like to go out to dinner sometime and show me?” Consider being up front with your friend about focusing on the person’s intellect. You could say, “Ack, I love talking about smart things with you but it starts to hurt my brain after a while. Have you seen the ads for the latest romantic comedy that Nora Ephron made?”
Compromise to develop common interests. Make sure to mention your own interests when chatting with your friend. This can guide the conversation and help your friend realize that you are not only interested in her brain. In addition, it can teach both of you to compromise as a way to develop your friendship. Use your friend’s interests or comments as a way to mention your interests. For example, if your friend mentions wanting to see the latest Star Wars movie, use that as a way to say “I’m not really into sci-fi pictures, but love romantic comedies. But I’d be interested in seeing Star Wars and maybe changing my mind.” You could also say, “I love Vietnamese, too, but if we go there tonight can we try that happening new Mexican place next time?”
Build common experiences. No matter what your respective interests, try and do different things together as friends. You may find adventure, have a blast, and strengthen your friendship in the process. Do activities both of you like. Let this guide you for future experiences that you can have together and which can strengthen your friendship. For example, suggest trying a new restaurant or experimenting in the kitchen together. You could also go skydiving or parasailing together. Consider mixing serious and fun activities. For example, your friend might be a highly intelligent scientist. A trip to a local science museum might be a good way for you to understand about your friend’s talents, allow the person to shine, and even pique your interest. This might also help you and your friend navigate group dynamics in a positive way. Consider taking day trips or vacations together. Relaxing together can strengthen your friendship and help both of you get past your friend’s brain. Make sure to build in some “me time” for each of you, which can be very important to an intelligent person.
Maintain your independence. In some cases, you may feel intimidated by a friend with a high IQ and assume that every decision they make is right and rational. However, it’s important that you continue to be yourself and assert your own views and opinions. This shows your friend that you have self-respect but will also respect her independence. Make sure to give your friend space. Many intelligent people thrive at friendships in which they are not constantly with the other person. This gives you the option of being friends with other people, which can make you more well-rounded and socially intelligent. Be confident and believe in your opinions. This may provide a basis for more meaningful conversations with your friend. If the person is truly your friend, she will value your opinion and give you the chance to express it without bullying you or making you feel stupid.
Let your friend know that she matters. Every person wants to feel special and valued by friends, family, and peers. Intelligent people are no different. Make sure that your friend knows that you value every aspect of her personality and enjoy spending time together when you have the chance. Show your happiness at your friend’s accomplishments, even if it comes to your detriment. The sign of a true friend is the ability to be genuinely happy no matter what. You can tell or write your friend a message that says “Great job” or “I’m so happy for you!” Be open to your friend’s needs. There are times when others might make fun of your friend or she feels pressure to constantly perform because of her IQ. Listen to your friend’s concerns, figure out a way to address them, and then try to cheer up the person.
Ask your friend to meet other friends. One of the best ways to make a new friend is by meeting the friends of a friend. Consider inviting your friend with a high IQ to meet some of your other friends, which could offer her some new and different perspectives. Remember that many intelligent people don’t do well in large groups, so you may want to keep the group to a manageable 3 or 4 people to start. Keep the mood as light as possible and don’t mention to your other friends anything about the person’s IQ. This might cause your friends to focus only on how smart your friend is and not value her as a multi-layered individual. Ask your friend if she is interested in meeting your friends before putting together a group event. Your friend may feel more comfortable with just you. But your friend also may be very receptive to meeting some of your other friends. Make sure your friends know that you enjoy your intelligent friend, even if the person comes off badly at your activity. Explain that your friend felt overwhelmed and a bit insecure around such exciting people and reverted to intelligence to cope.
Navigating Possible Difficulties
Accept the positive—as well as the negative. No friend is one-dimensional, but instead a multi-layered individual. Part of being a good friend is accepting every part of your friend’s personality. Take the ups and downs in your friendship as they come, which can forge a better and stronger friendship. Be understanding of the quirks that may come with an intelligent friend. Remember that she may be highly intelligent at math, but terrible at relating to other people. For example, if your friend feels threatened, she may fall back on her intelligence to boost her confidence. As long as your friend isn’t hurting another person, let this roll off your back. Be understanding whenever your friend is in a bad mood, having a bad day, or socially awkward. You can always explain to others, “Normally she is really fun and easygoing but she’s under a lot of stress and it sometimes makes her a bit insecure and snarky. I hope you’ll have a chance to meet my friend at a better time.”
Remember why you became friends. Whether it was sharing toys in the sandbox or bonding over a lab in college, there was some spark that started your friendship. Think about what bonds you and your friend if you are having difficulty in the friendship or can’t connect any longer. Think about what you share in common. Did your love of World of Warcraft or interest in playing soccer spark a friendship? Were you both competitive in the spelling bee or Model UN at school? Or did you both have a job at a fast food restaurant? Whatever interests you shared in the past, draw on your common interests to keep your friendship strong. Ponder your pal’s personality in all of its dimensions. Is your intelligent friend also sensitive and kind, or does have strong insight and the ability to read others? Focus on the qualities that make this person special and not what upsets you.
Embrace your friend’s individuality. Gifted or highly intelligent individuals may exhibit unique characteristics such as being extremely creative and passionate about specific things. Your intelligent friend may also not approach problems or situations like other friends, which is part of what makes her an individual and special. Instead of being annoyed or even embarrassed by your friend’s personality, remember that her intelligence and its quirks are as much as a part of her as other traits. This can help strengthen your friendship. Ask or remind your friend if the person acts quirky. You can do this in a humorous way by asking, “do you always have such spot on comebacks?” or “Could you teach me how to think that rapidly about stuff?” Remember that every single friend you have, irrespective of the person’s intelligence, is an individual and has special traits and quirks that come with being human.
Tap into your special qualities, too. A friendship requires participation by two equal individuals, so keep in mind that you are as big a part of the friendship as your intelligent friend. While your pal may happily discuss quantum physics, it’s important to remember you have talents and traits that complement the friendship. Remember your traits that your friend likes about you. Perhaps your buddy appreciates your irreverent sense of humor or uncanny ability to see the good in people. Bringing out these traits in yourself can reinforce your friendship. Use humor if necessary. If your friend begins obsessing about something that goes over your head, bring the person back down by saying, “While you’re over there being a smarty pants, I think I just found a new adventure for us! Picture us doing ceramics over booze!” Don't avoid saying something because you think she would "Think that sounded dumb" or it would "Make you look like an idiot" It's probably not that bad after all and if she is a friend she'll think the better of you anyway.
Be honest about doubts. Honesty is also another cornerstone of any strong friendship, even with someone who is very intelligent. If you're worried that you're not smart enough for your intelligent friend, remember that the person seeks you out and values your friendship. Have an open discussion about your fears and insecurities in the friendship—you may find that your friend has similar fears. Broach the subject with your friend in a non-confrontational manner. For example, you could say, “Sometimes when you go off on tangents like that I wonder why you want to be friends with me. I didn’t really understand what you said.” Try to focus on your friendship and less on intelligence or a competition of your wits. Avoid letting yourself feel intimidated by your friend’s intelligence by reminding yourself that there are many things you can do better.
Be aware that intelligence doesn’t mean social competence. Think about your friend and other intelligent people you know. You might realize that they’re not always great in social situations. In fact, many intelligent people suffer from social anxiety, which may be related to thinking or analyzing situations to much, psyching themselves out, or an inability to deal with emotions. Keeping the social hindrances your intelligent friend may have can help you better navigate your friendship and interactions you and your friend have with others. Help your intelligent friend deal with other people more effectively by supporting her or boosting her self-confidence in situations. For example, you could draw attention away from your friend’s intellect by saying “you know, Christina and I have been friends for 20 years and she wouldn’t tell you this, but she is a fantastic painter.”
Explain to your friend to others. If your friend hasn’t met your other friends or they’re meeting for the first time, consider cuing in other people about your intelligent friend. Some people may be offended by your friend’s intelligence or responses to situations and this could help them understand your friend better. Tell your other friends about your intelligent friend. Say, “I’m really excited to have you guys meet Simi. We’ve been friends for years and she’s really wonderful. I just wanted to let you know that she is incredibly smart and can sometimes come off a bit aloof. Just give yourself a chance to get to know her and I know you’ll love her as much as I do.” Remind your friends that intelligence sometimes means social incompetence. You could say, “I’m really sorry my friend came off so arrogantly. She doesn’t always do well in social situations, but I can assure you she’s a really nice person if you give her a chance.”
Point out when your friend has gone too far. In some cases, your intelligent friend may get a bit too arrogant or even be rude with you or people who are maybe not as smart or talkative. If this happens, it’s a good idea to point the problem out to your friend and explain why what the person did cross the boundaries of acceptability. Avoid embarrassing your friend if you can. Instead, point out the problem in private. You could say, “You know Sam, your response to Pat was really condescending and totally unnecessary. He doesn’t have it as easy as you when it comes to developing projects quickly and you should realize that not everyone is like you in that regard. You really need to be more sensitive and think about others in these situations.” Break any tension by making a sarcastic remark. For example say, “well, now that we all feel completely stupid, let’s figure out how to tackle this.” Not only can that help to smooth over any problems, but also cue your friend in to the mistake. Support your friend no matter what, even if you don’t support or agree with a situation. For example, if your friend is arrogant about intelligence with another person, you could support her by saying “I understand why you said what you did, but I might have been a bit more diplomatic in the way I said it.”
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