Rebuilding Your Self-Confidence
Take notice of the people who are kind to you. Is the problem with just one class? If you are having a problem with one of your classes but not others, it means that some people are able to value your presence and treat your politely. Focus on the classes you have friends in and know you are liked. One approach to fixing a class you are not enjoying is trying to network with even one person from that class outside of the classroom. If you are a quiet student is there another quiet student you can befriend and connect with?
Recite a mantra to help you get through class time. Calming yourself before the class can help you focus on the positive and build up your confidence to face mean classmates. You can repeat virtually any quote or phrase of your choosing. An example of a mantra: “I can make it through this hour of English. I can focus on getting my work done, so I have no homework. I will ignore the students who do not seem to like me.”
Spend time with people who are positive towards you. Even the worst class is doable if you know you can exchange funny stories at lunch with your best friend. You may not get to choose who is in your class, but you do have a choice whether you carry anything negative from class beyond the classroom. Focus on your friends, family and things you enjoy. You can even vent to your friends or family about your classmates. Having this outlet outside of class can make the time in class easier. If you are still struggling, consider seeking out a counselor or therapist that can give you a safe space to talk about your frustrations.
Make a list of all the reasons you are a great person. Keep this in mind when you are faced with hateful people. Remember if a person doesn’t know you personally, don’t take his or her opinion of you personally. Taking a look at the way the classmates you are having a problem with interact with others may also tell you it’s nothing personal. Their baseline may just be negative, and this goes for everyone. Knowing that they are harsh to everyone makes it much less personal.
Remember that you’re not meant to be friends with everyone. It could take a great load of stress and tension from you when you accept the idea that you cannot possibly be friends with everyone at your school. Believing that you should be could be holding you back from focusing on the key people who are your friends. Be polite and friendly, but don’t go out of your way to try to make mean people like you.
Protecting Yourself against Mistreatment
Ignore them whenever possible. Take a moment to consider why they are acting out and know that it may have little to do with you. The best bet in this case is to refuse to engage with these kinds of students. Refrain from giving them any sort of reaction. When other students seem to treat everyone around them in a mean manner, it can be a sign these students have underlying issues they are trying to hide. They are probably not acting mean to just you, but instead trying to hide their need to fit in with a mean attitude that pushes everyone else away. They may feel like the safest approach at school is to scare everyone off so no one can hurt them. If the bullies are acting out for attention, there's a good chance that they will leave you alone if you don’t react.
Define the hateful behavior. There are a variety of behaviors that can hurt your feelings, but each one requires a different course of action. Is there an actual action being made against you like being called names or is it more of the feeling of being left out of things? Take a look at their actions to see if they are being done to make an effort to harm you or if you are just interpreting a lack of effort on their part to include you to be mean.
Decide if the behavior could be labeled as bullying. In order for it to be considered bullying there must be an imbalance of power, intent to harm and repetition. Bullying is a serious offense, so be sure the behavior happening to you meets the criteria before you get your classmates in trouble. While at times any mean behavior at school may be labeled as being “bullying,” not all behaviors actually add up to this. For example, if a classmate who is in the same grade level, about the same physical size and has no real power over you is bothering you, this probably isn’t bullying since there is equal power. The intimidation factor isn’t present. Beyond the power issue there also needs to be a valid intent to harm, so if this is a classmate who just plays jokes on you but doesn’t seem to want to harm you that isn’t bullying. A classmate pulling one practical joke also lacks the repeated pattern of bullying as well.
Talk to someone you trust. Explain to this person how your classmates are treating you. Ask for their advice. Be careful to keep your conversation fact-based. Tell this adult what the classmates did, how often it happens and what the outcome was. Let the friend consider why this is happening and give you advice as to how to handle the situation. Speaking to someone who is close enough to the situation to even witness what goes on may help in the event that you are misinterpreting something.
Involve a teacher or authority figure, if necessary. If you think this qualifies as being bullied or feel threatened at any time, speak up. Most schools have zero tolerance for this type of behavior and have resources to help end the problem. Even if the behavior isn’t bullying, a teacher can help. Your teachers can facilitate solutions like letting you work with groups of students you may have more in common with or assisting you in becoming a bigger part of the class. EXPERT TIP Alicia Oglesby Alicia Oglesby Professional School Counselor Alicia Oglesby is a Professional School Counselor and the Director of School and College Counseling at Bishop McNamara High School outside of Washington DC. With over ten years of experience in counseling, Alicia specializes in academic advising, social-emotional skills, and career counseling. Alicia holds a BS in Psychology from Howard University and a Master’s in Clinical Counseling and Applied Psychology from Chestnut Hill College. She also studied Race and Mental Health at Virginia Tech. Alicia holds Professional School Counseling Certifications in both Washington DC and Pennsylvania. She has created a college counseling program in its entirety and developed five programs focused on application workshops, parent information workshops, essay writing collaborative, peer-reviewed application activities, and financial aid literacy events. Alicia Oglesby Alicia Oglesby Professional School Counselor Clear up misunderstandings. If you have tension with others or feel unjustly disliked, start by trying to make amends for any misunderstandings. If you're still having negative interactions, try to take a step back and focus on your good qualities. Talk to trusted teachers about issues and don’t withdraw socially — isolating yourself will make it worse.
Assessing Your Relationship with Classmates
Reflect on your interactions with your classmates. Are you an active member of the class or more of a peripheral member of the group? You may feel like the class does not like you if you are more of a peripheral member of the group. This means you are perhaps quiet in class and almost overlooked. If this is the case they may not be ignoring you to be mean, it might just mean they honestly forget about you. Getting out of the peripheral can be as simple as making an effort to participate more in class and making an attempt to talk to others and make new friends. One way to make sure you are noticed is to “get big” and commit to making yourself more of a known presence in the class. This means taking a stand in group activities instead of just blending in.
Consider if you tend to engage and act friendly with them. While you may really want them to include you in their activities, it goes both ways. Getting left out of events or not getting invited to social events does not always mean the group you weren’t included in hates you. Could you have missed an open invite that they assumed everyone understood? Keep in mind most of the other students in your class are just like you, trying to fit in and make friends. Take a close look at your own behavior to make sure you aren’t being left out simply because they don’t know you want to join in.
Question if you would spend time with these kids outside of school. If you don’t have much in common with these classmates, there may not be much of a need to even be friends in class. If your classmates seem like they would be the type of friends you want, ask yourself whether you need to make more of an effort to make friends. Sometimes being a quiet person can send signals to those around you that you do not like them. Breaking the silence of not speaking up in class does not need to start out in a huge way. You can start out by just making an effort to make small contributions to the bigger conversation. Or, you may show interest by just laughing at the right time during an animated story being told by a classmate. Examples of small additions to the conversations might include: “I heard that too, what do you think?” “No Way!” “You are not kidding! He does do that!”
Decide if you are trying to be friends with the wrong people. You don’t need to be friends with everyone. There are going to be some groups you just don’t have a lot in common with. You could be hoping for a relationship with classmates who have different interests or nothing in common with you. If you find that even after trying to make yourself a part of the conversation, you do not have much to say about the subjects they talk about, you may just not share any common interests with the group. There may be little need to be friends with these people outside of class.
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