Talking with Your Parent
Avoid conversations while they're drinking. If your parent picks up the phone and you can tell they've been drinking, say that you will call back or talk another time. Talking to someone who's been drinking can be difficult and cause you to become angry. It will also be difficult for your parent to absorb or respond appropriately to what you are trying to say to them if they are not sober and rational. Even if you're upset, avoid expressing that while your parent is under the influence. Wait to talk about it later. If you need to end a conversation, say, “Let's speak later, I can tell now is not a good time,” or say, “I can tell you've been drinking and I don't want to talk to you right now. Please call me when you are sober.” If you know you parent tends to drink in the evenings, plan to talk to them earlier in the day.
Choose your wording carefully. When speaking with your parent, be careful in how you speak. You may choose not to use the words “alcoholic” as this might make them feel ashamed or bad, which may lead to more drinking. The word “alcoholic” carries some stigma, so say “your drinking habits” or “alcohol use” instead. When you speak to your parent, avoid getting angry or upset and instead, focus on being gentle and loving. Focus your words on yourself and less on your parent. Use “I” statements as a way to avoid blaming your parent and take ownership of your feelings. For example, say, “I feel sad and disappointed when you miss time to play with your grandchildren because of alcohol.” This is less accusing than saying, “You choose alcohol over your grandkids and we don't like that.” Remember that your parent is probably already aware that they have a problem. Speaking to them in a harsh or judgmental way will not improve the situation. Let them know that you are on their side and ready to help, if they are willing to accept help.
Discuss your observations. If you think your parent needs help, talk to them about it. They may not realize they have become an alcoholic or may be in denial. Stating the behaviors you see can show that you are noticing changes related to alcohol. Say, “I've noticed our phone calls have been different lately. You've been slurring your words and it's hard to understand you. Is something going on?” You can also say, “I can tell you're drinking again by the way you walk and talk.”
Have mini conversations. Instead of having one giant conversation about alcoholism, have some small conversations that show that you are concerned. Before staging a full intervention, take moments to say how your parent's drinking makes you feel. Let them know that you notice their drinking habits and the harm they are causing. If they remain hesitant to seek help, then it may be time to arrange an intervention with a professional. Say, “I'm concerned about you. I've noticed you drinking much more since Mom died. I'm sad, too, but drinking won't help the pain go away.”
Know when to drop the issue. If your parent refuses to accept they have a problem and their physical or emotional health is deteriorating, it may be best to take a break from talking about their alcohol use. You may need to redirect your efforts to focus on their health. However, speak to their physician about your concerns, especially about their drinking habits. EXPERT TIP Lauren Urban, LCSW Lauren Urban, LCSW Licensed Psychotherapist Lauren Urban is a licensed psychotherapist in Brooklyn, New York, with over 13 years of therapy experience working with children, families, couples, and individuals. She received her Masters in Social Work from Hunter College in 2006, and specializes in working with the LGBTQIA community and with clients in recovery or considering recovery for drug and alcohol use. Lauren Urban, LCSW Lauren Urban, LCSW Licensed Psychotherapist Set boundaries to protect yourself. Psychotherapist Lauren Urban says: "If somebody wants help to get sober, you can be there for them and help them find the resources to do that. But if they don't want to, there's not really much you can do. In that situation, you have to set boundaries with your parent and take care of yourself first."
Taking Care of Yourself
Talk to other family members. If your parent's drinking problem is affecting many people, talk to other family members about what you can do. While you cannot stop your parent from drinking, you can have rules for family gatherings. For example, agree as a family to not serve alcohol at family functions, or to limit alcohol intake. Have a standard response from all family members if your parent's drinking gets out of hand. Find ways to unite altogether to be firm on what behaviors are inappropriate. For example, say to your parent, “We know you enjoy drinking, but it's not allowed around your grandchildren. We don't want them exposed to alcohol.” If you have siblings, have a discussion about how they can help you deal with the situation. That way, you will not be struggling to deal with your parent's alcoholism alone. Decide on specific roles and responsibilities that each sibling can take on in engaging with the alcoholic parent.
Find outlets for stress. If dealing with your parent's alcoholism causes you stress and leaves you exhausted, make sure you have some time to let go of that stress. Handling stress daily helps it from compounding and allows you to blow off steam. Relaxation is a great way to handle stress and can help with depression and to stabilize your moods. Start a meditation practice, attend yoga classes, or go for a daily walk.
Join a support group. If you're looking for support for yourself, join a support group. Surround yourself with people who are in similar situations as yourself. A support group is a great place to meet other people, share your frustrations, ask for advice, and give and receive support. Speak with others who have an alcoholic elderly parent and ask them how they cope. For example, Al-Anon, Johnson Intervention, and SMART Recovery Family and Friends are some examples of support groups for family members and friends of an alcoholic.
See a therapist. If you feel like you need personal support regarding your parent's alcoholism, consider seeing a therapist. A therapist can help you sort through your feelings and help you find ways to cope. If you feel overwhelmed and unable to deal with the stress of your problems, therapy can be a great way to find some clarity and relief. Ask for a referral from a medical doctor, local mental health clinic, or your insurance provider. You can also ask friends and family for a recommendation.
Remain calm. Dealing with an alcoholic parent on a regular basis may lead to frustration, anger, and feeling overwhelmed. Do your best not to respond to your parent in anger. If you notice your temper flaring, take a deep breath before saying anything. Remind yourself that anger will not take away your problems and instead, will likely expand them. Take some distance if you need it. Go on a walk, go outside, or ask someone to take over for you. If you feel constantly upset, consider having a home nurse or other caretaker so that you can get some distance.
Taking Action for Your Parent
Accompany them to medical appointments. If your parent is likely to downplay their alcoholism to a medical professional, consider going with them to their medical appointments. Raise any concerns you have with their medical professional. If your parent minimizes their alcoholism or tries to talk around it, speak up and make sure your parent has adequate information about how alcohol may affect their health. Ask the medical doctor, “Are there any guidelines you would suggest for alcohol consumption? How might these medications interact with alcohol?”
Work with a specialist to help your parent come up with a plan. Quitting alcohol cold turkey can cause severe or even deadly withdrawal symptoms. Talk to your parent's doctor or other medical professionals about creating a healthy and effective way to reduce or eliminate your parent's alcohol consumption. Your parent's doctor may prescribe a medication to help your parent reduce their alcohol consumption, or they may refer your parent to an addiction specialist or mental health specialist. A psychologist or other mental health specialist may be able to help address any underlying psychological issues that might be contributing to your parent's drinking.
Work with assisted living. If your parent is in assisted living or you are planning to look into assisted living, check their alcohol policies. Some may serve alcohol, others may ban it, some consider alcohol only under a physician's guidance, still others only allow it in certain areas. Think about what may be the best option for your parent. Carefully consider the options before making a choice. If you're about to admit a parent to assisted living, let staff and physicians know ahead of time of your parent's alcoholism.
Don't dump alcohol bottles. While you may think you are helping your parent, it's likely they will go buy more. This can lead to anger, resentment, bitterness, fights, or large disagreements, especially if your parent is under the influence when you do it. Your parent will only stop drinking when they are ready to get help and not before, despite your best efforts. Also keep in mind that abruptly cutting off your parent's access to alcohol can lead to dangerous or deadly withdrawal symptoms.
Keep them from driving. If you know your parent is likely to drink, find an alternative way for them to go home. Offer a ride, find a taxi, or plan to meet at their place. If you know your parent is resistant to get help, keep them safe in the meantime. If you know your parent is likely to drink, make arrangements ahead of time. If hosting a family get-together, host it at your house and do not serve alcohol.
Arrange an intervention, if necessary. Offer to help your parent get the support and assistance they need to stop drinking. If they keep refusing to get help, arrange for an intervention. Consult an addiction specialist before arranging the intervention. They can offer you advice on the best way to proceed. Once you've gotten some professional advice, get together with a few of your parent's close friends and relatives to discuss a plan of action. Plan out what everyone will say in advance. During the intervention, all the participants should be prepared to talk about how your parent's alcoholism has affected them, and what the consequences will be if they do not seek help.
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