Accepting Differences
Accept that you and your parents may have different opinions. When you’re interacting with your parents, remember that they may have different ways of thinking about work, money, family, and life. They may also have different political, social, and religious views than you. Focus more on acceptance and tolerance than on arguments. You can’t control how others act, but you can control how you act. Accepting differences, even if they’re things you don’t agree with, lead to fewer arguments and more open communication.
Avoid trying to prove your point. While you may feel like you’re right or have the correct facts, sometimes pushing your thoughts on others can make them feel judged or upset. Open and effective communication doesn’t mean proving who’s right and who’s wrong. Arguments with your parents shouldn’t be battles of power when you’re an adult. Talk about the facts or your views without accusing them. This way, you’re able to disagree without assigning blame or judgment. For example, say, “I know that we may not see eye to eye about my work, but I see the value in what I do and am happy with the work I’ve chosen.” Try asking your parents about their perspectives as well. This way you can gain more insight about why they hold the positions that they do and it will not seem like you are being disrespectful. Say something like, “What is your perspective in this situation?” or “How do you see things?”
Let go of past grudges from childhood. You may feel resentful or upset about the way you were raised by your parents. This may come out in different ways as an adult. You may find yourself getting into arguments more often with your parents, or try to avoid them altogether. Understand that your parents may not be able or ready to address past grudges from childhood. Seek support from other friends and family when you’re feeling upset with your parents. Avoid isolating yourself. If these grudges are getting in the way of having interactions with your parents, consider professional help through a counselor or support group. This way, you can better handle your interactions with your family in the present.
Don't let them negatively impact your work or relationships. Your parents may have certain views about what you should be doing with your life, and who you should be dating. Avoid letting your frustration over arguments with them spill over into your relationship with your partner or spouse, or cause you to get upset with your co-workers. Separate your parents from your day-to-day work and social life. See your relationship or your work as a positive outlet away from your parents. If you feel that your disagreements are affecting your relationship with your significant other for example, talk with your significant other openly about the struggles you are facing with your parents. Or, find other supportive friends to help provide reassurance.
Establishing Boundaries as an Adult
Be respectful and assertive. Disagreeing with your parents doesn’t always have to be an uneasy or awkward experience. Focus on being respectful and polite, rather than angry and frustrated. As an adult, you have more rights to assert yourself. Say what you need to say, just be careful and thoughtful in how you do that. Keep in mind that you are not obligated to be accountable for other people’s feelings, but responding with kindness and compassion is still a good idea. If you are not able to stay calm, excuse yourself until you’re ready to talk in a more respectful way. When your parents say something that you disagree with, avoid being passive or aggressive in your approach. Show your parents that you have a difference of opinion in a direct and concise way. Let’s say your mother is trying to tell you how to spend your money in a certain way, and you want to take a different approach. Consider saying, “I hear what you’re saying, Mom, and I respect your thoughts on the matter. But I have learned another approach, and would like to try that instead.” Or, "Thank you for your helpful information, it is appreciated and I will take it into consideration, but...."
Avoid depending on your parents as an adult. As an adult, independence allows you to make your own decisions, express your own opinions, and establish yourself. Independence also gives you greater freedom to disagree when you have arguments about money and career choices. The more self-reliant you are financially, the more at ease you’ll feel with making your own choices and expressing a different opinion. Make small but clear steps towards self-sufficiency. That way, when you are arguing with them about life choices such as becoming an artist rather than an accountant, you'll have proof of your efforts towards independence. Use social and financial support from your parents for important turning points in your early adult life like college, but avoid depending on them each month to help you with your bills. The more they control your expenses, the easier it is for them to make arguments against your life choices.
Step away from arguments that go nowhere. Your parents may have particular views about child-rearing or relationships. They may make this a point of conversation that ultimately leads to arguments. Try being the bigger person on hot-button issues like relationships and family roles. Respectfully move on from the argument that seems to go nowhere. If you and your parents have a fundamental difference, be willing to let go of changing them. Set boundaries about when they can step in and get involved, and when it's not okay. If they are trying to press you about how to discipline a child, remind them that you are an adult and have a right to choose how to discipline your own child. Consider saying, “I know that we have our differences. Please respect that I am an adult and a caring parent for my kid. I hope that we can move on from this, and respect each other’s views.”
Establish boundaries when they disagree with who you're dating. In addition to arguments over finances, career choices, and parenting, a common source of contention may be about your romantic relationships and dating. While it's important to be respectful of their input, make it clear your life and your relationships are yours, not theirs. Parents often want to give advice to prevent the same mistakes that they may have made. Hear them out, but make it clear that ultimately your romantic decisions are your own. For example, say, "I know that you want to provide advice, and I understand what you're saying. I hope that you can respect my decision and support who I'm dating."
Communicating Effectively
Be patient. Staying grounded can help you to navigate disagreements with your parents. Listen to your body and pay attention if you find yourself getting anxious or upset. The more aware you are of these physical and behavioral symptoms, the better you can control them with time. Patience takes practice. Practice stopping yourself before getting too upset with them. Avoid getting defensive or reacting quickly when they make an accusation. Learn to express yourself through patience rather than frustration. For example, if your mother makes a negative comment about what you're doing that makes you upset, stop yourself before reacting. Consider saying to her, “I’m sorry you feel that way. I don’t want to get into a battle about who’s right and wrong. Can we try to talk this through in a respectful way?”
Listen attentively before reacting to what they say. Stop and think before you start to attack what they said or did. If they're trying to seemingly give advice, give them a chance to speak. Don’t talk over them. Listen until they’ve finished their thought. The more times that you give them an opportunity to speak, the more times you can help to teach them to also listen rather than talk over others. Be open-minded about why they may be saying or acting a certain way. Give them a chance in the same way you would want them to give you a chance.
Express your feelings calmly. Avoid yelling, screaming, or bad-mouthing them as a way to make your point. While getting upset will happen from time to time, avoid making it the common way of communicating with your parents. Use ‘I’ statements to express your feelings about what’s bothering you. For example, say, “I feel frustrated when you express dissatisfaction with the person I’m dating.” Show your parents that you are mature and able to express your thoughts without getting immediately upset.
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