How to Fantasize About Someone

Getting Comfortable Fantasizing

Remember that fantasizing about something and acting on it are very different things. Does fantasizing about someone other than your partner mean you are going to cheat? Does fantasizing about someone of the same sex mean you're a homosexual? It's unlikely. Imagining something is not the same as doing it--and it doesn't necessarily mean it's even something you'd like to do in real life. Don't worry that fantasizing about your friend's girlfriend means you betrayed your friend. In fact, fantasizing about her might "scratch" any itch to actually hook up with her. Part of the fun of fantasizing is it allows you to do something you would never do in real life. From flying like a bird to making out with your teacher--you get to imagine crazy and fantastic scenarios.

Know that there are no right or wrong fantasies. Sometimes fantasies take a turn for the strange and may leave you wondering if you've done something wrong. You may feel that fantasizing about doing something bad, or having something bad done to you, means there is something wrong with you. You may wonder if it makes you a bad person. The answer is no, it doesn't. Focus instead on the impact of the fantasy. Do you feel empowered and more in control afterwards? Or did it the fantasy feel negative, intrusive, or compulsive? If it's the latter, your fantasy may be revealing some underlying issues you need to deal with.

Remember that fantasizing is healthy. Fantasizing can help us figure out what we want to achieve and even which areas of our lives need work. Everyone fantasizes, whether it's about the delicious meal they plan to eat for dinner or about kissing their crush. It's a natural part of being a human with a curious mind, and nothing to be ashamed of. Think about how your fantasy might relate to your real life. If you fantasize about being dominated, it might mean you are lacking control somewhere in your life. Research has found that if you are experiencing a lack of desire for sexual activity and want to give it a boost, fantasizing regularly about your partner may return you to normal sexual functioning.

Learning to Fantasize

Find a quiet place to relax. Go someplace where you are comfortable and won't be disturbed. Sudden interruptions are not usually welcome while fantasizing! Take deep, slow breaths and try to become aware of your body. Close your eyes if it makes it easier for you to visualize. If you want, you can dim your lights and put on music to help you relax.

Figure out what turns you on. Maybe this is something you've never thought about before. Try to think about times when you've felt excited. What were you doing? What about it excited you? Or, if you're having trouble, you can start with some common scenarios and let your mind wander. Imagine different settings. Fantasize about being on a beach or in a cabin in front of a fire. Picture yourself in a posh hotel room or in an office or supermarket. There are no consequences in a fantasy, so you can imagine yourself anywhere. Think about past experiences and expand on those. You can exaggerate them or make them more vivid, or replay them in your mind.

Incorporate the person you wish to fantasize about. Once you've figured out what makes you excited, you can picture yourself with that special someone. Let the scene run through your mind like a movie, except you are directing the action. Try imagining a scenario in which you and this person are separated from everyone else. Maybe you are snowed in at a cabin, or you get locked in the copy room together at work. Fantasize about all the things you'd like to do with this person. Remember that you are in charge of this fantasy, and if you start to feel uncomfortable, you can change it or simply stop at any time.

Utilize all your senses. Feeling turned-on is not only about visual stimulation. While fantasizing about this person, think about his or her voice, how he or she might smell, how it would feel to touch him or her, or for him or her to touch you. Your fantasy may be richer if you imagine the sensory details of your surroundings as well. If you are imagining you are on the beach, how does the sand feel on your skin? Try to hear the waves crashing on the shore.

Identifying When Fantasizing Is a Problem

Notice if you start to lose sight of reality. If you start to have trouble distinguishing between your fantasy life and real life, it is time to cut back on the fantasizing and speak to a mental health care professional. The great thing about fantasy is that there are no rules or consequences, but this is not true in real life. Acting on your fantasies--especially if you don't have the consent of anyone else involved--could have serious consequences. If the line between these two worlds begins to blur, and you find yourself wanting to act on things that would be inappropriate outside of the safety of your mind, then your fantasizing has gone out of control. If you find your fantasy life is interfering with your real life, then you are no longer fantasizing in a healthy way and may need assistance from a therapist or mental health professional.

Take a break if find your fantasizing taking on an obsessive or compulsive nature. If you have a significant other and find yourself occasionally fantasizing about someone else, it's nothing to worry about. But if you are consistently imagining getting intimate with this other person--especially if it starts happening when you're being intimate with your partner--then fantasizing has really become a coping mechanism to avoid dealing with real issues. First, put the brakes on your fantasizing. Then, even if it's painful, start looking at your relationship. Are you bored? Are you angry? Is fantasizing about another person a defense against intimacy with your partner? Using fantasy to cope with certain things isn't inherently wrong, but it can keep you from addressing the real problem. You won't be able to repair your relationship without taking an honest look at what's going on.

Be aware if you're using fantasy to disassociate. When you disassociate, you feel disconnected from what is happening. This often happens to survivors of trauma, who can experience a feeling of watching from a distance as things happen to their bodies. Healthy fantasizing will help you connect with your partner and make your sex life richer. If you start to feel as though you are not present, feeling disassociated or disembodied, you may wish to speak with a sexual therapist.