What to Say to Someone Who’s Experienced Pregnancy Loss

What to Say to Someone After a Miscarriage

“I’m sorry.” Sometimes, a simple “I’m sorry” is truly the best way to acknowledge someone’s loss. This phrase is brief, comforting, and leaves the floor open for the other person to share their feelings (if they’d like to). Particularly if you don’t know the person well, an “I’m sorry” is a good go-to; it validates their feelings without being over-complicated or seeming disingenuous. You could also say: “I’m sorry that happened.” “I’m sorry, this must be so difficult for you.” “I’m so sorry you’re going through this.” This phrase was recommended by relations expert Jeffrey Fermin as an appropriate way to acknowledge someone’s pain.

“I’m here for you.” One of the best ways to support someone after a loss is to simply offer your presence by letting them know that they’re not alone and you’re there to support them in any way needed, suggests Fermin. Most people experience profound grief after a miscarriage, so even just showing that you care and will be there to help them—even if you don’t know how yet—can go a long way. You could also say: “I’m here for anything that you need.” “You're not alone in this. I'm here to support you in any way you need.” “I’m not really sure what to say or how to help, but I want you to know that I’m here for you.”

“Would you like to talk?” Giving the person an opening to express their feelings of grief can be extremely helpful and validating. Even if they decline your offer, they’ll likely appreciate your expression of care (and may take you up on it later when they feel more ready). If they do decide to share with you, make sure to listen actively to everything that they say. Avoid expressing any judgment or offering any solutions. Instead, validate their feelings with empathetic responses that name and accept their emotions—like “I can see how difficult this is for you” and “Thank you for sharing this with me.” You could also say: Do you want to talk about it? I’m here to listen if you’d like to talk. Give me a call later if you want to talk about anything.

“What do you need?” People who are experiencing grief—particularly those who have experienced the loss of a baby—often self-isolate and suffer in silence without asking for help. By asking what they need, you’re opening the door for them to ask for the help that they truly need. Maybe you can help them by taking on potentially upsetting tasks, such as disassembling a nursery or informing others about the pregnancy loss. You could also return baby gifts or pack away other baby-related items. You could also say: What can I do for you? Say what you need, and I’ll be there. Would you like me to come over and help with some things around the house? Fermin suggests asking: “Can I bring you some meals? Or help with chores? Please let me know how I can assist during this time.”

“I’m going to ____ for you.” Some people will always say they don’t need help, even if they really do. So, rather than asking an open-ended question, it may be more helpful to simply state exactly how you’re going to help. For example, text them and let them know that you’re dropping off dinner, groceries, or dessert at their door on a certain night (and don’t make them feel like they have to open the door to socialize). Or, let them know you’ve arranged a coffee or bagel delivery for the morning. You could also say: I’m going to leave some groceries at your door around 7pm tonight. I’m going to pick the kids up from daycare tomorrow and keep them for a sleepover so that you can relax. I’ve arranged a meal train with the family—you’ll have breakfast delivered around 8am every day for the next three weeks.

“How is your partner doing?” While the person who was carrying the pregnancy will certainly be grieving, other people in their family are likely doing the same. If this person is married or has a partner, ask after their partner or spouse. You want to acknowledge that both of these individuals have suffered a significant loss. If you’re close to their family, you might also ask about how their other children or parents are doing. You could also say: How’s your mom doing? How are the kids doing? What about (spouse’s name)? Is there anything I can do for them?

“I don’t know what to say.” It’s okay to admit that you don’t know what the “right” thing to say is. Social worker Ken Breniman affirms that “there’s really not any right thing to say, so putting the pressure on oneself to come up with the right thing to say is probably only going to be more stressful for either someone trying to console or offer condolences.” You could also say: “I’m so sorry, I don’t know what to say.” “There aren't any words. I’m so sorry.” “I’m so sorry, this must be so difficult. I don’t know exactly what to say, but I’m here for you whatever you need.”

“God is with you during this difficult time.” If the person who has lost a pregnancy is religious, then consider sending them a message that corresponds to their faith. For Christians, for instance, you might share a comforting Bible verse like Psalm 34:18: "The Lord is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit." If the family is Muslim, on the other hand, you might offer a sympathetic message like “May Allah give you patience and ease your pain during this difficult time.” You could also say: There is hope to be found in the Lord. May God comfort you. May his/her memory be a blessing. May Allah's love and protection be with you during this challenging time. “Blessed are those who mourn, for they shall be comforted.” (Matthew 5:4) Inna lillahi wa inna ilayhi raji'un (“Surely we belong to Allah, and to Him we shall return.”) Know that you are held in the loving arms of the divine, even in your darkest moments. Know that our family is praying for you.

What Not to Say to Someone After a Miscarriage

Avoid statements that minimize the pain this person is feeling. You may be desperate to make your friend or loved one feel better, which can sometimes result in comments that try to explain or rationalize the miscarriage. Despite your best intentions, these phrases often feel invalidating and may upset someone who has experienced a miscarriage. Phrases to avoid include: “It wasn't meant to be.” This phrase is unlikely to feel comforting, and it can encourage the idea that the parent did something wrong or wouldn’t be a fit parent. “It was probably for the best.” To someone who has just lost a child, the idea that their loss was somehow a good thing can feel offensive and invalidating. “It wasn’t a real baby yet.” Even if the baby wasn’t born, the parent was probably already bonded with the idea of it and the plans and hopes they had. “Miscarriage happens to a lot of people.” While some people may like to feel that they’re not alone, others might feel that this phrase makes their grief “common” and eliminates their need for support. “Maybe you should/shouldn’t have...” Many parents blame themselves for a miscarriage, so these statements will only fuel that (erroneous) thought.

Avoid statements that try to put a positive spin on the loss. Similar to the idea of offering a rationale or explanation for the miscarriage, trying to find the so-called “silver lining” in the loss of a pregnancy can come off as extremely insensitive. At the end of the day, this person has lost the dreams and hopes of a child that they’d likely already bonded to, and it’s better to acknowledge and sit in that pain rather than trying to find a positive in that situation. Avoid phrases like: “At least it happened early in your pregnancy.” It’s true that miscarriages are less dangerous early on, but this phrase only diminishes the pain and suggests that a lost pregnancy early on isn’t a true reason for grief. “At least you know you can get pregnant.” Many people struggle with fertility, which is only the first step of pregnancy and parenthood. Comparing the two struggles can seem insensitive and invalidating. “At least you have other children.” Similar to phrases like “be grateful for what you have,” this statement is unkind and unhelpful to someone who’s grieving. "You'll be fine in a few days." Many grieving people feel sadness for months to years, making this phrase misleading and dismissive of their experiences.

Avoid giving advice unless you’re asked for it. Even though you may mean well, it’s best not to coach or give any sort of advice when comforting someone after a miscarriage. It often feels natural to speak from your own experience or offer counsel to fill the gaps in a difficult conversation—it’s challenging to just sit in silence with this other person and feel the grief. However, this type of advice is often not well-received by the person who’s grieving.

How to Show Support to Someone After a Miscarriage

Check in with your loved one and find actionable ways to help. Sometimes, actions are better than words when it comes to comforting and consoling someone who’s grieving. Continue to provide action-based support beyond the immediate aftermath of the miscarriage and check in on your loved one for weeks and months after the pregnancy loss. Here are some ideas for tangible ways to check in and show support: Drop off meals for the family. Drop off coffee, a treat, or a handwritten note. Drive older siblings to appointments or activities. Babysit or look after siblings. Buy a personalized gift in memory of the baby. Send a virtual hug through a service like KidsPeace. Send a pregnancy loss card, either virtually or through the mail. Plan everyday get-togethers like you would’ve before in order to help this person feel less isolated. Ask the parents if they’d like to be signed up for a support program like Rachel’s Gift or the Tiny Miracles Foundation.

Find opportunities to remember and honor the baby. Both immediately after the miscarriage and in the months and years after, it’s important to memorialize the pregnancy that your loved one has lost. Remember that the parents of the baby have likely bonded with the baby, envisioned their future, and even given them a name. So, it’s important to treat the loss of the pregnancy just like any other loss. Here are some things you can do to honor the baby and support the parents through their grief: Reach out on the due date and on future anniversaries of the miscarriage with a kind message (e.g., “Thinking of you today”). If the baby has been given a name by the parents, call the baby by that name (rather than “it,” “he,” “they,” or “she”). Attend any events or memorials that are held to honor or remember the baby. If you feel that the parents would be comfortable, consider naming a star after the baby through a charity like Tommy’s, or plant a tree or flowers in a local public garden.

Providing Support for Miscarriages in Special Circumstances

Take care after multiple losses or when you’re pregnant yourself. Comforting someone after a miscarriage is always a challenging and delicate task, but it can be made even more so in certain situations that prompt extra care, consideration, and empathy. Sometimes—such as when a work colleague has experienced a miscarriage—you’ll need to balance professional etiquette with your desire to support this person. Here are some examples of how to handle difficult situations that may happen around a miscarriage: If there have been repeated pregnancy losses, you may feel like it’s best to stay silent this time around and avoid bothering the grieving person. However, they probably need your words of support even more than before. If you are pregnant or have a small child, you might worry about upsetting your loved one by reminding them of what they’ve lost. This may or may not be the case—try sending a card or text to check in on how they feel before visiting. If your child has lost a child, you’ll probably be experiencing grief yourself or have resurfaced emotions from your own pregnancy experiences. Remember that you’re in no way to blame, and do everything you can to comfort and support your child. If your coworker has lost a child, offer a simple but appropriate “I’m so sorry for your loss.” Consider offering to help with any needed paperwork in order to get them leave or short-term disability. Respect their privacy and be patient with their return to work. If someone is pregnant after a miscarriage, temper your own expectations around the baby’s arrival—the parent(s) may want to avoid any celebratory traditions like baby showers or gifts until after the child’s safe arrival.

Short Message for Texts & Cards After a Miscarriage

If you won’t see your loved one in person, send a text or card with a kind note. If you live far away from the person who’s experienced a loss or aren’t close enough to warrant a phone call, consider sending a text or card with an appropriate message. Here are some examples of brief but supportive messages that can be sent virtually or in the mail: “I know your heart is aching and I’m thinking of you with comfort and love.” “I can’t imagine what you’re going through. I’m so sorry for your loss.” “Holding you in my heart, surrounding you with love.” “Be gentle with yourself and take all the time you need to heal.” “This was not your fault. You loved your baby so well.” “I’m so sorry for your loss. Baby Caleb was already so loved and I can’t imagine the pain you must be feeling.” EXPERT TIP Rebecca Tenzer, MAT, MA, LCSW, CCTP, CGCS, CCATP, CCFP Rebecca Tenzer, MAT, MA, LCSW, CCTP, CGCS, CCATP, CCFP Clinical Therapist & Adjunct Professor Rebecca Tenzer is the owner and head clinician at Astute Counseling Services, a private counseling practice in Chicago, Illinois. With over 18 years of clinical and educational experience in the field of mental health, Rebecca specializes in the treatment of depression, anxiety, panic, trauma, grief, interpersonal relationships using a combination of Cognitive Behavioral therapy, Psychodynamic therapy, and other evidence-based practices. Rebecca holds a Bachelor of Arts (BA) in Sociology and Anthropology from DePauw University, a Master in Teaching (MAT) from Dominican University, and a Master of Social Work (MSW) from the University of Chicago. Rebecca has served as a member of the AmeriCorps and is also a Professor of Psychology at the collegiate level. Rebecca is trained as a Cognitive Behavioral Therapist (CBT), a Certified Clinical Trauma Professional (CCTP), a Certified Grief Counseling Specialist (CGCS), a Clinical Anxiety Treatment Professional (CCATP), and a Certified Compassion Fatigue Professional (CCFP). Rebecca is also a member of the Cognitive Behavioral Therapy Society of America and The National Association of Social Workers. Rebecca Tenzer, MAT, MA, LCSW, CCTP, CGCS, CCATP, CCFP Rebecca Tenzer, MAT, MA, LCSW, CCTP, CGCS, CCATP, CCFP Clinical Therapist & Adjunct Professor If a friend lives far from you, you can comfort them virtually. Pick up the phone or schedule a “Zoom night in” to check in with them from afar. You can even do workshops or self-care activities from the comfort of your home…Sometimes, you just need a virtual movie night with a friend in order to console them.

Understanding Pregnancy Loss and Mental Health

Pregnancy loss can cause profound grief as well as mental health issues. “Miscarriages are an unfortunate and tremendous loss,” says marriage and family therapist Moshe Ratson. “Many people don’t understand that because it’s…before the child was born. So maybe they minimize that but, to many people, it’s devastating. The person themselves needs to deal with the pain, the grief, the anger, and the frustration. It’s like any other loss.” Pregnancy loss can actually cause or worsen mental health problems, and seeking professional help for these issues can often feel overwhelming when someone is also dealing with grief and physical pain. Certain circumstances can compound the already profound grief of miscarriage. Someone who conceived through IVF, has had multiple miscarriages, or were in their second or third trimester may feel especially devastated. Someone who’s experienced a miscarriage may even behave in ways that their friends and family find hurtful. Remind yourself that people often take out challenging emotions on those closest to them and that it’s really the grief speaking—not your loved one. If you’re trying to support someone through grief after a miscarriage, it may help to offer to schedule or come to counseling appointments with them. You should also look after your own well-being by talking to your own loved ones and taking time for yourself. EXPERT TIP Moshe Ratson, MFT, PCC Moshe Ratson, MFT, PCC Marriage & Family Therapist Moshe Ratson is the Executive Director of spiral2grow Marriage & Family Therapy, a coaching and therapy clinic in New York City. Moshe is an International Coach Federation accredited Professional Certified Coach (PCC). He received his MS in Marriage and Family Therapy from Iona College. Moshe is a clinical member of the American Association of Marriage and Family Therapy (AAMFT), and a member of the International Coach Federation (ICF). Moshe Ratson, MFT, PCC Moshe Ratson, MFT, PCC Marriage & Family Therapist A miscarriage is like any kind of grieving process. People need to be very gentle with themselves. Allow them to express the feelings and not deny what’s on the inside. Allow it to be, rather than suppressing their emotions, and treat it like any other loss that’s similar to miscarriage.

Key Takeaways

After a miscarriage, speak to loved ones with empathy and concern. Miscarriages are extremely painful experiences that cause overwhelming grief, similar to any other type of loss. “While your words alone cannot take away this pain,” says Fermin, “they can offer support and solace...The key is to convey genuine empathy and offer support. Being present, listening, and showing consistent care are often as valuable, if not more so, than the words themselves.”