- Commitment simply means that you intend to be coupled with someone for the long term. When you think of your life in the future, you assume they'll be there with you.
- Show you're committed by making time for your partner, supporting them, and including them in your future plans. Ask them for input on major decisions you make. *If you or your partner has a fear of commitment, practice by committing to small things in the near future. Commit to bigger things when your comfort level increases.
Definition of Commitment
In a relationship, commitment means you intend to be together long-term. It's the intent that's perhaps the most important part. Personal commitment indicates that you want to be with this person, not that you're required to be with them for some external reason. For example, if you get married, you might stay with your spouse because it's too expensive to get divorced. That's not personal commitment, but "structural" commitment. Commitment often means exclusivity to some extent, but every relationship dynamic is different. Talk about what exclusivity means to the two of you as a couple.
Commitment refers to a joint desire to improve the relationship. When you and your partner are committed, you look at the relationship as its own entity. You want to work on and improve it just as much as you want to grow and improve yourselves. You understand that relationships take work and you're willing to put in that effort. You have a shared sense that you're on the same team and you think in terms of your best interests as a couple first. Being committed means you're willing to sacrifice your individual desires if they don't serve the best interests of the relationship.
Signs of a Committed Relationship
You make plans for the future together. When you're committed to being with someone, you both naturally assume that you're going to be together for the indefinite future. This applies to major decisions, like buying a house or going on vacation, as well as smaller ones, like buying tickets to a concert in six months or season tickets for your favorite sports team. With a strong level of commitment, this is something you do automatically. This also applies to regular events, like birthdays and holidays. You also consult each other on things that will impact the future, such as accepting a promotion or joining a community sports league.
You have lots of joint obligations that tie you together. Owning a house together, raising kids, or having a joint bank account are structural commitments. They strengthen your connection because you're both equally obligated to take care of them. Anything that negatively affects those things impacts both of you. These obligations, ultimately, make it more difficult to end the relationship. If you're adding a lot of these things, that's a sign that the two of you are happily committed.
You make goals for the relationship. When you're committed, you see your relationship as a separate entity apart from the two of you as individuals. You prioritize things that strengthen your relationship and your bond with each other. For example, you might schedule regular date nights with your partner so the two of you can have quality time together as a couple.
You see each other in a positive light. In your mind, you focus on the positive aspects of your partner more than their flaws. That's not to say that you don't recognize their flaws, but you accept that no one's perfect and you love them regardless. When you talk to other people about your partner, you talk about the positives and the good things they do for you. This doesn't mean that you sugar-coat your relationship. But you don't regularly complain about your partner or nit-pick their every little mistake. Because you're committed and you imagine them being in your life for years to come, you naturally emphasize the good things about them and the reasons you want them by your side.
You and your partner practice openness with each other. Being vulnerable is an important part of a healthy relationship. When you're committed to each other, you don't have any secrets—you know you can trust them with anything you need to talk about. When you make mistakes, you're willing to come clean and accept responsibility for your actions. Because you're dedicated to the relationship, you're accountable for what you do.
You work through problems together. No relationship is conflict-free, but when difficulties arise, you both recognize that you're on the same team. Because you're in this together, you're going to work towards a solution that benefits you both. You also forgive each other because you know that's more important in the long term. You're going to be together and you're not going to hold grudges. Because you tend to see each other in the best light, you also know that your partner would never do anything intentionally to hurt you.
You support each other. When your partner has an individual goal, you do whatever you can to help them accomplish it, and vice versa. You both know that you can count on each other for help when you're facing a challenge as well. No matter what, you have each other's backs. For example, if your partner loses their job, you would do everything you can to help them while they look for a new job or transition to a different career.
You celebrate holidays together. Even if you have different religious beliefs or traditions, you compromise and work together to create your own family traditions. You naturally assume that you're going to be together to celebrate significant days each year and make plans accordingly. Creating your own holiday rituals and traditions also ties the two of you together and makes you even more interconnected.
You make sacrifices for the good of your partner or the relationship. When you're strongly committed, you put the needs of your partner and the two of you as a couple above your individual desires. You're willing to compromise what you want for what's best for the two of you as a couple. For example, you might get a job offer in a different city. While it's a substantial pay increase and it's a place you've both always wanted to live, it would mean your partner would have to leave their job, which they love. So you decide to stay where you are.
Showing Commitment in a Relationship
Add physical things that tie you and your partner together. Things that you share strengthen your connection because they make it more difficult for one of you to leave. This structural commitment makes the two of you more interdependent. It might seem a little unromantic, but think about it: the more you two can rest assured that the other is sticking around, the stronger your foundation will probably feel. Tangible, joint commitments can help that happen! For example, you might have a joint bank account or own a house together. There is a risk to this though—if either of you is unhappy in the relationship, you can start feeling trapped if you have too many things tying you together. Think carefully before making big changes, and remember, there are many less concrete ways to strengthen your commitment.
Include your partner in your goals for the future. When you're making career plans or considering making investments, saving for retirement, or making major purchases, talk to your partner about what you should do. Really listen to them and take their opinions or advice to heart before making your plans or decisions. Encourage your partner to share their goals with you as well. Learn what they want to do so you can take that into consideration as you make your own plans. For example, you might ask your partner what they envision for retirement. Maybe they want to retire to a different country or travel a lot.
Change your schedule to accommodate your partner occasionally. When you intentionally make time for your partner, it shows them that you're dedicated to them and committed to the relationship. You're making a conscious decision to adjust your own routine to make space for them, and that's a big deal. For example, if your partner gets up several hours earlier in the morning than you do, you might start getting up just an hour earlier so you can have breakfast with them.
Listen to and encourage your partner. Practice active listening so that your partner knows that you're being attentive. Ask open-ended questions to show that you really care about what's going on in their life. Let them know that you're with them and that you're happy to support them in everything they do. Letting your partner know that you appreciate them is another way to show your commitment. Whenever they do something helpful for you, let them know that you see and appreciate their effort.
Put down whatever you're doing to pay attention to your partner. When your partner wants to talk, give them your undivided attention. If you're in the middle of something and you're unable to do so, let them know that you need to finish what you're doing so you can devote your attention to them. For example, you might say, "I need to finish this casserole and put it in the oven, but as soon as I do that I can give you my undivided attention. Five minutes?"
Keep your partner's secrets rather than sharing them. Your partner will know that you're committed if they know that they can confide in you and you won't tell anyone else the things they tell you. This level of confidence inspires trust, which also strengthens your bond and makes you more committed. If your partner wants to tell you something extremely personal, let them know that they can tell you anything and you'll keep it secret. For example, you might say, "You know that you can tell me anything, right? I'll always keep everything you say to me completely between us."
Intentionally connect and spend time with your partner. When you spend time with your partner, let them know that you're doing so on purpose—not because they just happen to be there. Ask them if they want to do something with you rather than just sitting and watching TV or being passive. For example, you might play a card game or board game together, or work a jigsaw puzzle. Taking walks outside after dinner (when the weather's nice) is another good way to spend some quality time with your partner.
Addressing Fear of Commitment
Have an open and honest talk about your relationship. If either of you is afraid to commit to the relationship or to each other, it's important to figure out why. Get to the bottom of how each of you feels about the relationship so you can determine where it's headed. If you have a mismatch of feelings, it might be that one of you is more committed than the other. Sometimes you can fix that, but sometimes, unfortunately, you can't.
Think about what's holding you back from committing. Sometimes, a fear of commitment is rooted in trauma in your past (or your partner's past, if they're the one who's afraid of committing). Figuring out where your fear is coming from can help you move past it. Talking to your partner about these issues can also help the two of you build an emotional bond.
Start small with short-term plans and goals. The easiest way to build commitment when you're afraid of it is to start slowly. Make plans with your partner for a month or two months out. Then gradually move up to maybe planning a vacation for the next year. Start planning things further out only as you become comfortable doing so. If you don't feel comfortable planning things more than a year out, that's fine! Your comfort with it is key. For example, you might go halves with your partner on season tickets to your favorite sports team. That's planning several months in advance and also gives the two of you ready-made dates for the season. Another option would be to buy tickets to a concert or play several months in advance.
Go to individual or couples therapy. If your fears of commitment are rooted in deep-seated trauma, sometimes talking to a professional can help you get past it. Couples therapy can also help if your fears are rooted in some aspect of the relationship itself that isn't satisfying to you. If you're nervous about bringing it up with your partner, just try saying something like, "You're really important to me and I want to get through these commitment issues together. Would you be open to talking to someone with me?"
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