- Codependency is a pattern of behavior in which a person neglects self-care and prioritizes the needs of others. This may occur in romantic relationships.
- Interdependence is a healthier, emotionally balanced relationship style in which people prioritize self-care while supporting each other’s needs and independence.
- Signs of codependency include low self-worth and overreliance on others for emotional support. Interdependent people are emotionally self-reliant with high self-worth.
Differences between Interdependence & Codependency
Codependency is a relationship style that’s unhealthy and one-sided. Codependent people have a compulsive need to “take care” of others, and constantly prioritize others’ needs while neglecting their own. They have poor self-esteem and seek happiness through relationships, even when those relationships are abusive or toxic. Codependency is most commonly addressed in marriages and romantic relationships. But it can occur in any kind of relationship, including friendships, professional relationships, and between family members. Codependency is often related to the lack of self-identity and trying to find it through a relationship. As a result, one doesn’t know who they are without this relationship, and feel that they cannot be a person without it (always thinking of “us” instead of “me” and “them”).
Interdependence is a healthy, emotionally balanced relationship style. Interdependent people value their autonomy, but still engage in close relationships with others. They prioritize their own needs while showing love and support to those they’re closest to. Their self-esteem comes from within, and they don’t need validation from others to feel good about themselves. Interdependence is usually discussed in the context of healthy romantic relationships. But it also applies to friendships, professional relationships, and family relationships. Interdependent people may still prioritize other people’s needs in certain circumstances, such as when a family member is sick and needs support. But they don’t do so constantly or compulsively. One of the best resources for continued happy relationships is that both people continue to thrive as individuals and share their individual journeys.
Signs You’re in a Codependent Relationship
You always put your partner’s needs first. When you go out to eat, they choose the restaurant. If you cook, they decide what’s for dinner. You spend money on their hobbies and interests. You spend weekends doing what they want to do. And if there’s time or money left over, you might spend some on yourself. If not, you don’t. You may also adjust your schedule to accommodate your partner. For instance, you might get up early every morning to make them breakfast, even when you’re exhausted. Your partner may also demand your constant attention and become frustrated when their needs aren’t met. For example, they might become irate if you neglect to make them breakfast one morning.
You feel guilty taking care of yourself. Maybe you’d prefer to sleep in a little later some mornings, but your partner prefers you to get up first. Maybe you’d like to buy yourself something, like a new book or a warmer coat, but your partner doesn’t like you to spend money. Decisions like these cause you to feel torn and ashamed, especially if your needs conflict with someone else’s. You might still do things for yourself sometimes like buy that book or sleep in a little one morning. But instead of feeling good about such acts of self-care, you usually feel terrible.
You avoid arguing or confronting your partner with problems. For instance, if your partner struggles with drinking or substance abuse, you may avoid raising the subject with them. You’d rather bury your feelings than anger or disappoint them. Or you might suspect they won’t listen anyway. In any case, you decide to keep the peace, even if it means being unhappy. You may also have difficulty saying “No” to your partner’s demands. For instance, they may demand you tolerate their drinking or substance abuse, or you may take steps to help them keep their addiction secret. You may feel obligated to fix your partner’s problems or make their life easier, such as by hiding their toxic behaviors from friends and family.
You don’t have a life outside of your relationship. You don’t have your own hobbies or circle of friends. You usually don’t travel or visit family without your partner. In fact, you seldom go anywhere or do anything without them, apart from work and errands. Your whole identity is wrapped in your relationship. If you do have friends or pursue separate interests, your partner might show little interest or become irate if your activities conflict with their needs.
You rely on your partner for everything. You rarely make decisions without them, even personal decisions like seeing a doctor or buying something small for yourself. Your whole life is shaped by their needs, from your daily routine to your career plans. You don’t have a social circle beyond your partner, so you completely rely on them for emotional support. You feel you’d be lost without them. Depending on your specific relationship, you might be financially dependent on your partner. They may also manage your household finances by scheduling bill payments, managing your bank accounts, budgeting, and so on.
Signs of an Interdependent Relationship
You prioritize your own needs while still caring for your partner. If you’re a morning person, you might get up early to cook breakfast, but leave the dishes for them to clean. You coordinate schedules to prioritize spending time together, but still leave room for individual hobbies. You set a household budget and trust each other to stick with it. Both partners’ needs are accounted for. Interdependent people may still prioritize other people’s needs as an act of love or compassion. But that gesture should be reciprocated in some way. For instance, one partner might do all the housework one weekend while the other visits an old friend. To show their appreciation, the other partner might handle the housework the following weekend.
You feel comfortable taking care of yourself. If you need extra rest, you’ll sleep an extra hour if you can, even if it means asking your partner to take over part of the morning routine. You’re happy to buy something for yourself if it fits your budget. You feel happy doing things that benefit your physical health and emotional well-being. Your partner supports your self-care. They encourage you to prioritize your own needs, and they’re willing to compromise when your needs conflict with theirs.
You’re comfortable raising concerns with your partner. It’s not that you like to argue, or that every disagreement between you goes smoothly. But you feel safe discussing difficult topics with your partner. You know they’ll listen and take you seriously. You know they’ll apologize when they’re in the wrong, and accept your apologies when you make mistakes. You might still choose to avoid certain arguments to keep the peace. For instance, if you often fight over dirty dishes, you might choose to let it go. This isn’t necessarily as bad as long as the problem you’re ignoring isn’t extremely destructive, like a substance abuse disorder.
You have a life that’s separate from your partner. You have your own friends, hobbies, and interests. You see your family, or keep in touch with them, with or without your partner. You’ve taken vacations or day trips alone, or with friends. Your partner may still know your friends, enjoy your hobbies, and travel with you. But their involvement is a bonus, not a requirement. Your partner supports you having a separate life. They aren’t jealous or dismissive, nor domineering or nosy about how you spend your time.
You and your partner support each other’s independence. You respect each other’s opinions and choices. You make decisions together when the outcome affects both of you, and you allow each other equal input. You accommodate each other’s careers, families, and emotional needs. You lean on each other sometimes, but you each try to stand on your own two feet. Your relationship may not be perfectly balanced in every way. For example, one partner may make more money or become a stay-at-home parent who handles most of the childcare. But the relationship can still be interdependent as long as both partners accommodate each other’s needs.
Overcoming Codependency
Work on your self-esteem. Build independence by recognizing your own needs, interests, and desires. If you’re employed and enjoy your job, become more involved at work by taking on more tasks or applying for a new role. Or apply for a different job that suits your skills and gives you a sense of agency and self-respect. Speak to a therapist or mental health clinician who specializes in codependency. They can help you address trauma and negative experiences that have impacted your self-esteem.
Practice self-care. Take care of your physical health by eating well, exercising, getting adequate rest, and from time to time taking a day just for yourself. If you struggle with mental health, consider seeking treatment from a therapist or psychiatrist. Prioritize your own needs before helping others, even if it means saying “no” to people’s demands. Remember that self-care is a daily practice. Its positive impact is cumulative, like exercise. The more you do it, the more it benefits you.
Expand your social circle. Form healthy relationships with new people, including classmates, colleagues, and neighbors. Reach out to old friends and family members you’re close to. Volunteer for local charities or political organizations advocating causes you support. Or pursue hobbies that provide opportunities to meet people, such as fitness or cooking classes. If you’re religious, join a local house of worship or attend services to stay connected with your faith.
Recognize and minimize codependent behaviors. Take notice when you’re seeking approval, neglecting your own needs, or feeling guilty about taking care of yourself. Learn to set healthy boundaries. Repeat to yourself phrases like, “I don’t have to feel this way,” and “My needs are important.” The more you recognize and challenge the way you think, the easier it is to change your behavior. If your partner is supportive, ask them to help you recognize and manage your codependent behavior.
Consider attending relationship counseling with your partner. Codependent behaviors are hard to unlearn, especially in a relationship. But if your partner is supportive and willing to work on things, a couple’s therapist or counselor can work with you to establish interdependent relationship habits. This can help you build a happier, healthier relationship in which both partners’ needs are met. Relationship counseling can also help you navigate disagreements and communicate more effectively with each other.
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