Reaching Out on Social Media
Introduce yourself and mention how you know her. If you’re reaching out online or even via text, tell her who you are so she won’t dismiss your message as spam. The same goes for texting–say “hi,” and remind her how you two met or how you’re connected. “Hey, it’s James. We met at Jiyoung’s party!” “Hi, this is Tory from Bend Burgers the other night.” “Hey, I’m Taylor. I don’t think we’ve met IRL, but we have like 15 mutual friends.”
Mention a shared interest. Scope out her social media profile and feed to see what you two have in common. Discovering that you have a shared interest is conversational gold. It doesn't matter what the interest is–whether it’s reading, running, or rock-climbing–what matters is that it's something you share. If you discover that you both like running, message her something like, “Hey! I see you’re a runner, too. What are your favorite running routes?” or “Have you ever considered training for a marathon?” If you both like reading, ask her, “Who’s your favorite author?” or “What did you think of the movie version of that book?” If it's a really quirky interest, ask her how she first got involved with it and compare stories!
Bring up pop culture. Referencing pop culture is a clever, non-personal way to start talking about personal interests. By finding out what kind of movies or music a girl likes, you can gain insight into the type of person she is and what she likes. That valuable information could help you plan an awesome future date. Any messages like the ones below can start an awesome conversation: "Have you seen the latest season of Mad Men? Who’s your favorite character?" "Have you heard Daft Punk's new album? What did you think? "Have you seen the latest Tarantino film? I heard it's fantastic!"
Mention an upcoming event. Talking about an upcoming event, like a music festival or exam, can give you something to get excited or nervous about with the girl. That emotional response can create rapport between you, and it allows the girl to see how much you have in common. If you're both taking the same exam, you could say something like "I'm dreading the math final next week. I suck at algebra! How are you feeling about it?" If you're having a conversation about music, you could mention an upcoming festival. Say something like "Are you going to Coachella this year? I went with a bunch of friends last year, we had a blast! What bands are you hoping to see?" If you’re coming up on a holiday, you could say something like "I can't wait for Halloween next week. My friend is having a house party and I've got a great werewolf costume planned. Are you doing anything fun?"
Conversation Starters
Approach her and introduce yourself. Go up to the girl you want to start a conversation with, smile, and say hello. Tell her your name and ask for hers. Keep it simple. A genuine, polite greeting beats a cheesy pick-up line any day. In any situation, try a straightforward introduction. For example: "Hi, my name is Bob. What's your name?" In a bar, you can offer to buy the girl a drink. For example: "Hi, my name is Joe. Can I buy you a drink?"
Ask her how she is doing. Politely asking a girl how her day was or how she's feeling is a nice way to get her talking. It also makes a good impression as it shows that you are genuinely interested in her and are willing to listen. A simple "How are you doing today?" never fails. Make sure to listen to her answer, it's not supposed to be a rhetorical question! Ask her "How was your day today? Did you do anything fun?" This prompts her to give more than a one word answer and gives you a chance to show off those amazing listening skills.
Comment on the weather or your surroundings. You can't go wrong with a harmless observation about the weather, or some other matter-of-fact subject, like the length of the line in the cafeteria. Once she responds, you can move on to more engaging topics. Turn it into a question, rather than a statement. Say something like "Beautiful day out today, isn't it?" or "I hope this rain eases off soon, don't you?" This gives her the opportunity to respond. If you're not a fan of the weather approach, try another safe topic. For instance, you can try commenting on the atmosphere around you. In a bar, you could say something like "Wow, it's crowded in here tonight, isn't it?" EXPERT TIP John Keegan John Keegan Dating Coach John Keegan is a Dating Coach and motivational speaker based in New York City. With over 10 years of professional experience, he runs The Awakened Lifestyle, where he uses his expertise in dating, attraction, and social dynamics to help people find love. He teaches and holds dating workshops internationally, from Los Angeles to London and from Rio de Janeiro to Prague. His work has been featured in the New York Times, Humans of New York, and Men's Health. John Keegan John Keegan Dating Coach Conversational connections come from observations tailored to the moment and person. Instead of generic lines, try observational comments based on the actual situation or something distinctive about the person. This makes a real connection since it's tailored to that moment and individual. For example, at a bookstore you could mention their book choice or ask for a recommendation. This kicks off a natural, meaningful conversation. Reader Poll: We asked 368 wikiHow readers who’ve successfully flirted with a girl in public, and 61% said that making an observation about what’s happening around you is the best way to open the conversation. [Take Poll] So according to wikiHow readers, talking about the weather could be a great strategy!
Ask a question about school or work. Finding some common ground can really help to break the ice in a conversation. Ask her thoughtful questions about work or class to get the conversation flowing. If you take a class together, ask her what she thinks of it, whether she likes the professor, or if she's interested in whatever you're studying right now. Say something like "Have you seen the essay topics for next semester? Do you know which topic you're going to write on?" If you work together, ask her if she's working on any interesting projects right now.
Compliment her. Keep it genuine and polite. Tell her that she has a beautiful smile, that you like her necklace or that her laughter is infectious. Make her feel special. Be careful not to overwhelm her with larger-than-life compliments, you will just come across as insincere. Try telling her "You have a great smile, there's something infectious about it!" Or say "That's a cute dress, red really suits you."
Mention a mutual friend. Bringing up a mutual friend in your conversation will help you to draw a personal connection to the girl, even if you don't know her super well. She’ll feel more at ease, too, since you’ll no longer seem like a total stranger! Having a common friend also gives you something (or someone) to talk about. Try saying something like "I've heard you're good friends with Allison. How do you two know each other?" Or "Oh so you know Dan? We go way back! He's hilarious, isn't he?"
Bring up a shared experience. Bringing up a shared experience–whether it's working as a volunteer or growing up in the same town–helps to create a personal connection between the two of you and establishes the beginning of a bond. If you realize that you both grew up in a small town, you could say something like "No way! Me too! It was a super tight-knit community and everyone was really friendly. What was it like for you?" If you both worked on volunteer projects you could say something like "I thought it was a really rewarding experience. What inspired you to get involved?"
Pose an interesting question. Ask the girl an unusual or thought-provoking question to show her you value her opinions. It will give the girl a chance to express herself while you make a good impression for asking such an interesting question in the first place. Win-win! Try something like "If you could be an animal, what type of animal would you be?" Or something like "What are the top five places you want to visit in your life?" Or maybe "What did you want to be when you were younger?”
Ask a personal question. If things are going well and the two of you seem to be hitting it off, it might be time to get a little more personal. Remember that the aim is to show that you're interested in her and want to get to know her better, not to make her feel uncomfortable. Don't ask her anything that you wouldn't feel comfortable answering yourself. Keep it positive! Don't ask her what her greatest fear or biggest secret is, ask her about her hopes for the future or where she sees herself in ten years. Leave it up to her whether she wants to answer seriously or keep it light-hearted. Try asking her about her family, start with something simple and non-invasive like "Do you have any brothers or sisters?" If you want to find out if she's single, simply ask her "Are you seeing anybody right now?"
Boosting Your Confidence
Speak clearly and confidently. This doesn't mean talking over people or interrupting them constantly, but try to speak a little louder than you normally would. Avoid qualifying sentences with too many "like"s and "you know"s. People find it attractive when someone’s comfortable in their own skin, happy, capable, and self-assured.
Focus on non-verbal cues. You can use non-verbal cues, like your body language or facial expressions, to turn an otherwise non-flirtatious comment into something with romantic undertones. Keep your body language open and inviting. Maintain good eye contact and smile! Lightly touch her hand or arm as you’re talking to her. Touch can help create intimacy and move you out of the friend zone. Avoid negative body language like crossing your arms, scowling or looking down.
Listen attentively and ask questions. Try not to dominate the conversation. Listening demonstrates that you are interested in her and in what she has to say.
Remain engaged in the conversation. Open up about yourself to give the girl more and more reasons to like you. Respond to her questions and let her get to know you a little, but don't go on and on either. The goal is to engage and intrigue her, not bore her.
Make eye contact. Good eye contact will make you appear more trustworthy and attractive. Looking someone in the eye comes naturally when you're feeling comfortable and confident. Make sure to look at her directly whenever either of you is speaking, but remember to look away during pauses in conversation so you don’t stare.
Use open-ended questions. Questions that can be answered with a simple "yes" or "no" are not a recipe for engaging in conversation since they don’t make someone really invest in the conversation. Try to pose more interesting, open-ended questions which require longer, more thoughtful answers You can use close-ended questions in the very, very beginning of the conversation if you want to make it easier for her to respond. For instance, you could ask, “Is it your first time here?”Warning: If you've just met her, don't ask her indiscreet questions like how she dresses. She might feel uncomfortable. Save it for when you are more confident.
Avoid controversial topics. Bringing controversial topics into the conversation can make her feel awkward, uncomfortable, or just downright angry. Steer clear of topics like politics or religion during your first conversation, or your relationship runs the risk of being over before it's even begun.
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