Why You’re Being So Hard on Yourself
You experienced childhood trauma. If you suffered adverse childhood experiences (ACEs) during your upbringing, you may have internalized those traumatic experiences as your own fault. As a result, you may feel easily ashamed and struggle with low self-esteem. Keep in mind that internalizing these experiences was not something you had any choice in—it was your mind’s way of helping you survive the trauma.
Your childhood caregivers were very demanding and critical. As a child, you learn to mimic and internalize the way that your parents or caregivers treat you. If your adult figures frequently criticized you, you may have learned to criticize yourself in order to avoid their criticism later on. For example, your growing brain may have thought that your parents’ criticism would hurt less if you beat them to it. Your caregivers may have also demanded that you be extremely well-behaved or academically successful. You may now hold yourself to those impossible standards, and if you fail to meet them, you can’t help but be hard on yourself.
You were brought up with strict religious, societal, or cultural expectations. You may have internalized expectations from the media, your church, or the general world about what you should do or who you should be. Often, these expectations are linked to productivity, meaning that your self-worth is reliant on how hard you work. As a result, you struggle to let yourself relax and beat yourself up if you’re not the very best in your field. By holding yourself to these standards (that no human could ever meet), you end up in a spiral of negative self-talk and self-criticism. When it comes to religious pressure, you may have felt that you had to be a perfect child without any “sinful” mistakes or desires. When, as a teen or adult, you fail to meet these standards, you may feel that you’re a completely awful person.
You have low self-esteem. At some point in your life, you may have been made to feel like you’re not good enough. If your self-esteem has never improved over time, you may struggle to feel positive about yourself and your life. As a result, you may be very hard on yourself and have difficulty recognizing your positive traits and successes.
You have a loud inner critic. Your inner critic is the voice inside your head that’s telling you negative things about yourself. Everyone has an inner critic, but yours may be crueler or more difficult to stifle than others. Remember that that voice isn’t you, and it’s a result of your environment rather than who you actually are. While your critical inner voice may feel inescapable, there are ways to cope with and quiet your inner critic. Try pinpointing whose voice you’re really hearing and who in your past it reminds you of. Speak directly to the critic and counteract its negative statements with positive ones. If your inner critic says, “I’m such a screw-up,” for example, respond with, “I’m doing my best, and that’s enough.”
You struggle with a mental health condition. Being overly hard on yourself may stem from certain mental health conditions, such as generalized anxiety disorder, major depressive disorder, and obsessive-compulsive disorder (OCD). Talk to a mental health professional about your concerns to see if they can offer a diagnosis. However, being hard on yourself doesn’t necessarily mean you have a specific mental health condition or disorder. Many people struggle with self-criticism without any underlying conditions.
How to Stop Being So Hard on Yourself
Speak to your negative thoughts as if comforting a friend. When you notice a piece of negative self-talk pop into your head, find a gentle, encouraging thought to counteract the negative it. You don’t have to attack or challenge the negative thought—instead, try to soothe the part of your brain that wants to criticize you. For example, if you think something like “I’m such a lazy slob,” you can say something gentle and soothing like, “It’s normal to feel like you’re being lazy when you’re really just relaxing. You deserve to have some downtime.”
Challenge the negative beliefs behind your thoughts. When you notice that you’re being hard on yourself, try to identify what situation or person triggered these thoughts. Think through the exact thoughts you had and make a mental list of how those thoughts made you feel. Try to come up with any evidence that supports this negative thought—and even if you did make a mistake (as we all do), try to reframe the thought in a more positive way. For example, you may think that you’re stupid because you missed an easy answer on a test. Instead of using that error as proof that you’re not an intelligent or good person, consider that missing that answer will ensure you remember it for next time. “It may also be helpful to match each event or thought that supports the belief that you are a failure with an equally valid time when you were a success,” suggests licensed psychologist Dr. Catherine Boswell. Did you ace a difficult test last quarter? Did you get a more challenging question correct despite missing the “easier” one? Boswell also emphasizes the importance of “noticing the storyline or narrative that contributes to the notion of being a failure, then reality checking that narrative: Is it really about who you are here-and-now, or is it an old and potentially inaccurate story?” Consider what you learned from analyzing, challenging, and reframing that negative thought. Did it make a difference in how you’re feeling? Keep in mind that this process may take a few tries to work.
Write down (then destroy) all of your negative thoughts. Keep a journal of all of the deepest, darkest, and most scathing thoughts you have about yourself and your life. Don’t worry about penmanship, grammar, if you sound whiny or dumb, or any other superficial concerns about your writing—write exactly how and what you feel. Then, rip it all up! Promise yourself from the beginning that you won’t read what you write and will rip up the paper immediately afterward. This way, you’ll hopefully feel less self-conscious about what you write and be capable of a more cathartic journaling session.
Address any toxic relationships in your life. Your negative self-talk may be worsened if the people close to you are unkind to you or bully you. Take some time to learn about what it means to be a good friend or partner, then assess if the people in your life meet those standards (or are at least trying to). For example, a good friend should be trustworthy, honest, dependable, and supportive of you during both good times and bad. Friends should be non-judgemental about your choices and demonstrate that they care about your well-being. Similarly, a good partner should communicate with you, listen to your needs and concerns, show empathy and respect toward you, and give you affection in the way you ask for it. Feel free to set boundaries with anyone in your life that’s not supporting your well-being. If someone is truly being toxic or abusive to you, it may be time to walk away from the relationship altogether.
Stop comparing yourself to others. Comparing yourself to others is a great way to keep yourself feeling inferior. Whether you’re comparing yourself to people on social media, passersby on the street, or even your loved ones, the comparison habit is only going to hurt you. Remember that you are only comparing yourself to your perception of what that person is like—everyone has their own struggles, strengths, and weaknesses, just like you. Instead of comparing yourself to others, try comparing your present self to your past self. Take a moment to appreciate how far you’ve come!
Embrace your past mistakes and learn from them. Making mistakes is a normal part of life, and the best thing you can do is to learn from them and move on. But that’s easier said than done, so start by trying to adopt a growth mindset. Remind yourself that abilities and identities aren’t fixed—you are always capable of change and growth with enough time and effort. If you find yourself in a cycle of constantly ruminating on past mistakes, Marriage & Family therapist Samantha Fox advises that you “take a moment to find the feeling you have in your physical body around this experience, connect to it (as uncomfortable as it might be) and become curious as to what might happen if you weren’t ruminating.” “It’s likely that the rumination is a part of you that is protecting you from making the same blunder again by keeping it fresh and alive,” continues Fox. “Try validating the feeling,” instructs Fox, “asking it if there is anything more it needs you to know, and then thanking it for trying to protect you from repeating the same mistake and embarrassment.” As Fox goes on to explain, you need to “let this part of you know that you learned from the experience and, while you deeply appreciate its protective reminders, you will be ok and can it please take a few steps back and let you function from yourself.”
Take steps to improve the parts of your life that you’re not happy with. When you feel stuck in a negativity loop about yourself and your life, Boswell suggests examining “the specific areas in which you feel the most dissatisfied.” Focusing on the specifics, Boswell continues, “gets you out of the all-or-nothing thinking that holds you in overwhelm and helps you avoid the magnitude of thinking you must fix your whole life.” Make a list of specific areas of your life where you’re struggling or feeling disappointed, then “select one or two to work on before tackling the others,” says Boswell. Boswell recommends starting small “with the solutions that are easiest so that you avoid discouragement, or with the solutions that will provide the most significant change.” For example, you may want to pick up a new hobby and also develop a better support system. While you can start taking small steps to build a support system, it may be easier to focus on the simpler goal of learning a new hobby for now.
Make a list of your good qualities. Take out a blank piece of paper or open a journal and write a list of all the things you like about yourself. Hang the page somewhere where you’ll see it often—like your bathroom mirror or the dashboard of your car—to remind yourself of the many excellent qualities you have. Licensed clinical psychologist Jennifer Guttman, PsyD, recommends “writing daily self-affirmations that reflect your sense of self. For example, write statements that reflect your integrity, loyalty, generosity, perspective, honesty, etc.” If you feel yourself getting stuck on coming up with your positive attributes, return to the list at a later date when you’re feeling more positively about yourself. You can also “ask friends, family, or a therapist about your strengths and successes and write them down so you can review them frequently,” suggests Boswell.
Keep track of the wins and successes in your life. Keep a list of every success, victory, or positive event that occurs in your life. For each item you add to your list, reward yourself with something you enjoy—like “getting a massage, taking yourself to the movies, buying yourself flowers, or going to a sporting event,” suggests Guttman. In addition to your list, Guttman also advises “writing daily self-affirmations that reflect tasks you completed,” advises Guttman. For example, you could write an affirmation like “I presented to a major client at work today—I am competent, confident, and brave” or “I folded my laundry today—I can take care of myself even if it takes small steps to do so.” It’s important to “tangibly self-reinforce a job well done,” argues Guttman. “Don’t wait for the outside world to reinforce your successes—you are the best judge of your performance, so you should take charge of reinforcing yourself.”
Focus on your mental and physical well-being. Find an active activity that you genuinely enjoy, whether that’s dancing, running, taking long walks, or swimming laps. Avoid using exercise as a means to punish yourself, but rather embrace it as a joyful experience that benefits your overall health. Practice mindful meditation to help you be more focused in the present moment and gain some perspective on your life. Get started by taking just two minutes to breathe deeply. Sit alone in a distraction-free space and focus completely on your breath, body, and current emotions. Try doing this exercise several times a day.
Spend time on things you enjoy. Focusing your attention on the activities and people that you love can help you better connect with yourself. If you’re not sure what those things are, then figuring out what you love is just as good! Try taking an interesting class, scheduling time in your week for a creative hobby, or making a standing phone appointment with a long-distance friend.
Show yourself kindness and self-compassion. Forgive yourself for any past mistakes you’ve made and even for being too hard on yourself. Be kind to yourself when you mess up—speak to yourself as you’d speak to a loved one who did the same thing. Remember that healing can be a slow road, and it’s not linear, so be patient with yourself as you work on your self-criticism habit. Practice self-compassion by writing a mock letter to your best friend. Describe what you love about them and what your advice is on a situation they’ve been struggling with. Re-read the letter after you’ve finished it, but change your best friend’s name to your own. Consider these questions: Does it feel strange to talk to yourself in a kind and compassionate way? How do you think it would feel if you talked to yourself like that all the time?
Work on improving your self-esteem. Over time, improving your overall confidence can improve your sense of self-worth and make you less hard on yourself. Guttman provides some expert examples of how to overcome your feelings of inferiority, such as “facing a fear daily to tackle something you felt you couldn’t do…This can be as small as making a phone call or looking someone in the eye or as large as speaking in front of an audience of 150.” “Make decisions on your own without opinion shopping,” Guttman offers as another method to improve your self-esteem. “We often delegate decisions to others, which undermines our confidence.” “Making decisions builds confidence,” continues Guttman, “in showing yourself that many positive outcomes occur and that you also have the ability to cope with less than positive outcomes should they occur.” Another step toward building self-worth is “writing daily self-affirmations to remind yourself not to fall into a negativity bias about yourself and your actions,” says Guttman. Guttman defines self-affirmations as “statements you make about yourself that demonstrate pride in your ability and actions. Use the affirmations to balance your view of yourself and to help you build evidence of successes and, in turn, build confidence. Review the affirmations you have written in the past weekly.”
Seek professional guidance from a therapist or counselor. If you’ve made a habit of being hard on yourself, it can be difficult to put an end to that negative thinking on your own. You may need (and want) support to help you be kinder to yourself. Find a licensed mental health professional in your area that can help you to be less hard on yourself. If you suspect that your harsh inner critic comes from childhood trauma or other specific experiences, it may be worth looking into a therapist who specializes in these issues.
What does it mean to be too hard on yourself?
Being hard on yourself means that you accept harsh consequences for normal mistakes and flaws. You may have self-imposed consequences that you perceive to be justified even if the error you’ve made is small (or not even truly an error). It can be very difficult to let go of these self-critiques and consequences if you believe that you truly deserve them. If you’ve always been hard on yourself, you may hardly even notice that your thoughts aren’t normal. You may think that everyone judges themselves in the same way or holds themselves to extremely high standards. While it’s true that everyone experiences periods of self-doubt or low self-esteem, being constantly critical of yourself can negatively impact your health and lead to self-destructive behaviors like negative self-talk, substance abuse, and reckless risk-taking. Research has shown that harsh self-criticism can lead to anger management issues, negative self-perceptions, and depression.
How to Know You're Being Too Hard on Yourself
Negative self-talk is a major sign that you're being too hard on yourself. Negative self-talk comes from that critical inner voice you hear telling you that you’re bad, stupid, or always doing the wrong thing. Almost everyone hears this voice at some point in their lives, but some of us have a louder inner critic than others. Some examples of the negative self-talk you may hear from this voice include: Overgeneralizations: You may say, “I always do this,” or “I can never do that right,” after making one or two harmless mistakes. Personalization: You may take offenses more personally than they were intended. If someone snaps at you because they’re in a bad mood, you’ll jump to thinking that they hate you or you did something to upset them. Mind-reading: You may draw negative conclusions without getting enough information to form that conclusion. For example, suppose you text someone, and they respond in a lackluster way. You might assume they don’t like you rather than considering that they may be distracted or preoccupied. Disproportionate thinking: You may outweigh one small negative thing against a mountain of good things, like getting a below-average grade in one class versus getting top grades in your other ones. Labeling: You may judge yourself and others based on a single behavior that you did or observed. For example, you may beat yourself up for being a liar if you told a little fib once or call yourself a thief if you stole something one time.
Check in with your thoughts to determine if you’re being too hard on yourself. Set a timer to go off once an hour for several days in a row. Reflect on your most present thoughts each time that the timer goes off. Were you in the middle of putting yourself down or criticizing yourself? If so, you may have a habit of being too hard on yourself. Alternatively, you can make a list of all the things you think about yourself, being as honest as possible. Read through the list and ask yourself whether those things sound compassionate or harsh. If one of your close friends made a list like that about themselves, would you think their assessment was fair? You can also ask trusted friends and family (or even a therapist) for their honest feedback. They may be able to tell you whether you’re too hard on yourself or even gently point out when you’re being overly critical in the future.
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