- Abusers usually start off being really kind to you and want you to commit quickly.
- If you find out he’s been abusive in the past, that’s a big red flag that he might abuse you, too.
- A man who yells at your or puts you down is being abusive.
- Your man is definitely abusive if he’s violent toward you.
He showers you with compliments at first.
An abusive guy tries to sweep you off your feet so you’ll commit. He’ll tell you you’re the most attractive person he’s ever met and swear you’re the only one who gets him. You’ll feel so amazing after spending time with this guy—he must be perfect, right? Not exactly. Be cautious when a guy who barely knows you starts heaping praise on you because he may be putting on an act. “You’re the most beautiful person I’ve ever met.” “You’re the only one who understands me.” “I’m lost without you.” “You’ve made all my dreams come true.”
He pressures you to commit quickly.
Abusers want a commitment because it’s easier to manipulate you. A whirlwind romance may feel like a fairytale, but it’s usually just an illusion. Abusive men often play the perfect partner at first, and they’ll try to sweep you off your feet. Pump the brakes if he’s saying “I love you” way too soon or wants a commitment. Give yourself time to build a healthy relationship. Watch for these red flags: He asks to be exclusive after your first date. He proposes after a few months of dating. He’s calling you his “love” or his “wife” after a handful of dates. He says “I love you” before he’s gotten to know you.
He depends on you to have all his needs met.
An abusive guy sets high expectations for you as a form of control. Before a guy starts abusing you, he’ll often make you responsible for all of his feelings. He’ll expect you to be his biggest supporter and to drop everything to be there for him. When you don’t live up to his unreasonable expectations, he can blame you and make you feel guilty. Slow down your relationship if you think your guy is expecting too much from you. He might say, “You’re the only one I need,” or “You’re the only person who matters to me.” He may start expecting you to solve all of his problems, which just isn’t possible. When you can’t, he’ll get upset with you.
He admits to being abusive in the past.
If he has a history of abusing his partners, it’s very unlikely he’ll change. He’ll probably have an excuse for why he hurt his ex, and he may even blame them. To put you at ease, he might swear that he’s changed and promise that he’ll treat you better. Don’t believe him. Past abuse is a huge warning sign that a guy is going to abuse you. “I only hit her one time.” “You didn’t see the way they talked to me.” “He started that fight.”
He wants to control what you do and wear.
An abusive guy wants power over you. Even when you’re in love, you should still have your independence, as well as the time and space to see your friends and pursue your goals. If your man tracks your every move or constantly checks up on you, it’s a huge red flag that he’s becoming controlling. Proceed with caution if he’s trying to hog up every minute of your day. It may seem really sweet at first. He might start with, “What’s your schedule tomorrow?” or “Tell me everything you did today.” Eventually, this may progress to things like, “Where are you right now?” or “Text me a pic of where you are.” He may start telling you what you can and cannot wear. It’s okay for your guy to show an interest in your day. However, he shouldn’t press you to tell him everything, and you shouldn’t have to tell him where you are every minute.
He’s jealous of everyone else in your life.
An abuser uses jealousy as a way to control you. You might think that jealousy is a sign of passion, but it’s actually caused by insecurity. While it’s normal to feel jealous every now and then, an abusive guy will get jealous of practically everyone—and may even accuse you of cheating. Listen for comments like: “Who are you texting?” “Why is that guy looking at you? He needs to mind his business.” “I don’t like that other guys are talking to you.” “You were with Lizzie all weekend. Why do you need to see her again?” “I’m jealous because I love you.”
He tries to isolate you from your family and friends.
An abuser wants to be your sole influence. Your friends and family are your support system, and chances are they have your best interests in mind. An abusive man knows that they’ll look out for you, so he’ll want to damage those relationships. Keep in touch with your friends and family, even if he tries to stop you. At first, he might trash talk your family and friends, saying things like, “Your friends are so mean to you,” “I don’t like that your mom questions our relationship,” or “It seems like your sister is jealous of you and doesn’t want you to be happy.” He’s saying these things to drive a wedge between you and your loved ones. Later, he might make rules about who you can contact or spend time with.
He blames other people for his issues.
An abusive man would rather play the victim than accept blame. Everyone makes mistakes sometimes—except him, of course. His exes are to blame for his past breakups, and his coworkers are all mean. Eventually, he may even start blaming you for his abusive behavior, which is totally untrue. Listen to how he talks about his problems to see if he never takes responsibility. “My ex was so crazy.” “My ex was always starting drama.” “I just can’t catch a break.” “My boss just hates me.” “I’m only yelling at you because you won’t listen.” “Why do you make me act like this?”
He’s hypersensitive to criticism.
Abusers get insulted very easily and tend to overreact. Pay attention to how he reacts when you offer him advice or point out a mistake. Similarly, watch his reactions when you’re joking around with him. If he gets angry or blows up at you, he’s being verbally abusive. Let's say your man is late picking you up, and you say, "I was getting worried." A normal response might be, "Sorry, I got caught in traffic." An abusive guy might get upset and say something like, "I'm a busy man! You're so ungrateful!" Maybe you pointed out his messy hat hair and said, “Your hair looks so cute when it’s sticking up everywhere.” A normal response might be, “Thanks,” or “I fixed it just for you.” An abuser might get mad and say, “I’m sorry I can’t look perfect all the time.”
He has bad mood swings—like Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde.
Abusers hide their true nature by acting sweet sometimes. During good times, he’ll be kind and loving—especially in public. When he gets upset, he may lash out at you and seem like a different person. Be careful if your man flips like this because it’s a common sign that he’s an abuser. He might say you’re the love of his life one minute and then blame you for all his problems the next. While you’re out, he may dote on you and be super sweet. As soon as you’re home, though, he might lash out about something you did “wrong.” One moment he’ll be bringing you flowers, but later he’ll destroy them because he’s mad at you.
He’s super entitled.
Abusers think that they're more important than everyone else. In a healthy relationship, you’re both equal. However, an abusive man will think he’s superior to you, even if he doesn’t say it outright. Additionally, he’ll think his needs are more important than everyone else’s, and other people are beneath him. Watch for things like being rude to restaurant servers, insulting his coworkers, or complaining when he doesn’t get what he wants. “I don’t know why they gave the promotion to Alex when I clearly deserve it.” “I’m going to see if this guy will let me cut in line.” “Why is our food taking too long? I’m going to yell at the manager.” “I can’t believe my mom only sent me $20 for my birthday this year.”
He mistreats animals.
A man who’s cruel to animals is more likely to mistreat you. If he can be mean to animals, he’ll probably mistreat you, too. Reevaluate whether or not this guy is right for you. It might be best to just move on. He may handle his pets—or your pet—roughly. Even if he says he’s playing, it’s still not okay. He might yell at animals or even kick them. These are all warning signs that he’s abusive.
He’s “playfully” aggressive during sexual activity.
Abusers love to push your boundaries and only care about themselves. He may pretend that he’s just playing or getting carried away, but he’s still being abusive. You get to make choices about when and how you have sex. It’s never okay for a guy to pressure you, even if you’re in a consensual relationship. If your man is overstepping your boundaries, talk to someone you trust so you can start separating from this guy. This might include things like biting you during sex, spanking you, or doing “moves” you told him you don’t like. If you haven’t consented to something, it’s not okay. Talk to a therapist about what happened to help you heal. Going through this type of abuse is very difficult, and you might need help coping with it.
He puts you down.
Insults and mean nicknames are a form of verbal abuse. Your partner should be lifting you up and celebrating your accomplishments. For an abuser, however, your success is a threat to him. So, he’ll criticize your looks, talents, interests, and achievements. You deserve better, so please rethink this relationship. He might say things like: “You don’t look good in that.” “Wow, you’re putting on a lot of weight.” “Your degree was an easy one.” “I like your fat thighs.” “I’m going to start calling you ‘cheese butt.’”
He yells at you when he’s upset.
A guy who yells at you is being verbally abusive. A good partner will speak to you with respect, even during a fight. You don’t deserve to have your man yelling at you for any reason. Try talking to him about how his yelling makes you feel. If he keeps doing it, you might rethink your relationship. “You might not notice this, but you yell a lot when you’re frustrated. It really scares me, and I’d like for you to lower your voice.” “It really makes me anxious when you raise your voice. I’d appreciate it if you spoke more calmly.”
He uses gaslighting to make you question yourself.
An abusive guy will make you think you're crazy to gain more power over you. You may start to worry that you’re misremembering things or misunderstood what happened. Eventually, he may even have you convinced that you’re causing the problems in your relationship. If this happens, talk to a therapist or someone you trust so they can help you see the truth. He might say things like, “That’s not what happened,” “You heard me wrong,” or “You’re always taking things out of context.” Here’s a list of common gaslighting phrases, along with advice on how to respond.
He insists on rigid gender roles.
Traditional gender roles are an easy way for him to gain control. If you’re in a heterosexual relationship, an abuser might claim you need to submit and do everything he says because of tradition. It’s totally okay if you like traditional gender roles, but you should still have the autonomy to make choices for yourself. Recognize his attitude for what it is—abuse. He may decide that you can’t go out unless he’s with you. He might declare that you’re responsible for cooking and cleaning. He could try to make decisions for you.
He tries to undermine your financial independence.
Without your own money, you'll have to rely on him. It’s a very subtle form of abuse, but it can be super damaging. At first, he might even frame it like he’s being kind and generous, when he really just wants to have control. Watch for these signs that your man is financially abusing you: He sabotages your job or refuses to let you work. He takes your paychecks. He gives you an allowance. He tracks all the money you spend.
He threatens you in any way.
Threats are both verbal abuse and a means to get control. You should always feel safe and secure with the people you love. Be wary over any threats of violence because it’s a sign he may be dangerous. Even if he never follows through, it’s still not acceptable for him to scare you like that. Take all threats of violence very seriously. He might say things like, “I’ll force you to get in the car if I have to,” “If I see you with him again, I’m going to blow up,” or “Don’t make me take matters into my own hands.” Some abusers prefer to make silent threats. In that case, he might show you a gun that he owns or make a show of playing with his pocket knife. If you’re LGBTQ+, he may try to use your sexuality against you, which is never okay. If a man threatens to out you or expose your sexual history, he’s acting abusive, so reach out for support. Also, remember that there’s nothing wrong with you, so don’t feel bad about being who you are.
He breaks or strikes objects.
An abuser will damage your property to scare you and punish you. He might really scare you when he starts to throw or punch things. His behavior isn’t okay, and it’s definitely a form of physical abuse. Go somewhere safe as soon as possible. Additionally, we hope that you’ll start planning a safe way to break up with him. You might excuse yourself to go shopping. Say, "I need to go to the store to pick up dinner. I'll be right back." Stay there until he calms down. If you can, call someone for help or to pick you up. Tell them that your partner is being aggressive before they get there. If you want to stay with this guy, ask him to attend couple’s therapy with you. He needs to work on his anger issues because it’s not okay from him to act this way.
He pushes, strikes, or kicks you.
If your guy is violent towards you, he’s an abuser. What if your boyfriend only hit you once? One time is too many, and he’s for sure abusing you. Even if he apologizes, he’ll likely do it again. You deserve a partner who treats you well, so please break things off with this guy. Reach out to someone who can help you, like a friend, a therapist, or a women’s shelter. It’s abusive if he hits you, slaps you, pulls your arm, kicks you, strangles you, restrains you, or bumps into you hard on purpose. After a man abuses you, he’ll usually be super nice for a while to “make things up to you.” This is called the honeymoon phase, and it will end. Trust us, this is a pattern of behavior for this guy. Get help as soon as you experience any form of abuse. He may apologize and promise it won’t happen again, but it likely will. You deserve to be treated well!
You’re afraid of him.
If you’re afraid of your partner, something is wrong in your relationship. You deserve a partner who makes you feel comfortable and secure. Pay attention to things like having to keep secrets from him or having to control your behavior to avoid setting him off. These are surefire signs that something is wrong in your relationship. You have to pretend your male coworkers are female so he won’t get mad. You’re afraid to tell him you have plans with your friends. You can’t open up about your feelings because he might blow up at you. You can’t wear certain clothes around him. You feel like you can’t be yourself when you’re with him.
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